25th Feb 2017

I have a drug fuelled mind 

Focused on the next hit 

The next quick fucking fix 

Shattered and broken 

There are no words that can be spoken 

Rose tinted glasses don’t see the dark in me

Love makes you blind don’t question me

Chemical imbalance causing depression 

Come down off drugs causing aggression

Not the next best thing but the worst thing possible 

Becoming what you hate 

Ruining the perfect date because I’m way too late 

On realising what I’ve done and what I’ve become 

Trying to save grace, save face 

Unpredictable..uncontrollable..unlovable 

Unsolvable problems so you say fuck them

Strung out on compliments ignore the bullshit confidence 

Taking everything to heart is not the way to start 

Being a better guy 

If I could be that guy instead of me I’d never let you down 

Too tired to sleep 

Too weak to eat 

One light in all of my shadows, Jodie 

Making sacrifices to stop you hate-in me

Angels and demons 

When I see men, that are good

I don’t associate, I don’t relate 

I’m filled with hate

Constant drowning in a pool of my own tears 

My own fears 

Torturous emotional rollercoaster 

Always trying to shit-stir

Everyday I make mistakes 

Risking everything at stake

No ones fault by own 

Have to be alone 

Hole in my heart 

Today marks the start. 

I’m 24 today, and I’ve decided not to celebrate that fact because I don’t deserve to. The only significance this day has to me is that it marks the day I’m going to be a better man. I’m not superficial, I’m not materialistic I just want to be a good person. 

Stronger and Safer in my own mind.

I’m sorry

Dean 

It’s in your eyes

“I can see it in your eyes”

“Your eyes tell a different story”

I’ve heard these two phrases a number of times over the bank holiday weekend just passed. I also said it to someone myself. Those words have been ringing in my head for some reason.. And I’m starting to think about why that is so let me take you through my thought process..

I guess you can tell everything from someone’s eyes. You can see happiness, sadness, pain, joy, anger, fear, loneliness…or sometimes nothing at all. My eyes betray a lot of the emotions I’m trying to hide. I think this runs through my family. My ma is a very hard woman who would rarely cry but I know she is very very sad inside.

When I was growing up we would have arguments that I knew were killing her from her eyes, I could see the strain it was causing, but on the outside she acted like she did not give one fuck. Over the weekend I saw that my nana can be like that too.. But what I saw in my nana’s eyes was genuine fear. It broke my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is that she hid that and portrayed to me that she didn’t care and “I can do what I want”. I really really hate when people don’t admit how they actually feel.. If everyone did, the world would be so much clearer for a lot of people.

More than anything else someone’s eyes are a window to their soul, I think people carry what they’ve gone through in their eyes, they tell their own story and they show the true emotion inside the person.

I’ve heard those phrases over the weekend because it was a drug-fuelled couple of days for me and I was on a bit of binge. What I remember from the weekend is complaining that the drugs weren’t hitting me and my mates saying to me your eyes are telling a different story dean.. Because they were obviously in the back of my head, which is a little scary tbh. Then I blacked out and I really only remember tiny bits of the past three days. But enough about all that shiiiit…

Personally..I think it’s amazing that two little shapes in your face can tell a lifetime of stories. There can be so much life in someone’s eyes.. Or they can seem dead and it feels like they’re looking through you. My ma has started to get that look. It’s mostly from drugs and years of going without help for anything.. She’s started to die inside and you can see that in her eyes. Hope and happiness have completely left her body. I never want that to happen to me or anyone else I know… Because to be honest I don’t know if you can ever get that light back in your eyes and that’s a tragedy to me.

I think it’s important to not hide your real emotions and feelings and I know it’s hard but half the time the other person already knows how you really feel so you might as well tell the truth. 😊

I think that’s all from me.. Look after yourselves .. And don’t let the light die.

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Laters x

Build a Bridge

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

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At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Laters x

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Forgiveness is the Key to Happiness

I’ve thought about this a lot the last while. When I was younger and I’d hear of murder victims families forgiving the attacker and praying for them I used to be so confused. Why the hell would you pray for someone like that and more importantly HOW could you forgive someone that hurt you that much? But now I think I finally understand. I’m not saying I’d ever forgive someone for murder, not a hope in hell, but I do understand the sentiment and I agree with it. I think you need to forgive to move on, or at least try. The bible says that we should forgive each other because none of us are without sin, and if we want to be forgiven by God we must forgive others. I’m not overly holy but I do agree with that. I believe it is the first step to being happy again, and completely moving on.

It’s an extremely hard thing to do but I think it tells a lot about someone’s heart if they are willing to forgive someone that’s hurt them. I’m not saying that you should forgive AND forget or that they deserve a 2nd, 3rd, or 100th chance and you should not forgive them every time and let them walk all over you, but forgive them for what they have done and move on. There’s many reasons why forgiveness is the answer and here’s my few, if someone has done something terrible to you they did it for a reason, they obviously don’t care for you and now at least you know. They have to live with what they did and that’s their problem not yours. They made the choice to hurt you and if that’s the kind of person they are and continue to be then holding a grudge won’t do anything except hold you back. Forgive them because they clearly have way more issues than you’ll ever have.

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Whether it’s happened recently or ten years ago the pain can remain the same. In order for your own peace of mind, and a happy heart, you need to tell them that you forgive them. You may not mean it 100% and maybe you never will but it’s a step in the right direction. If you accept what they did and try get your head around it and basically say well I’ll never let that happen again but they did do that for a reason and I’ll forgive them because I am above what happened then you are on the way to moving past it. You don’t want to be held back in any part of your life because of what someone’s done to you, learn from it and try your very best move on. It’s a test of how strong your character is so show them how strong you are, and you’ll never be hurt like that again.

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To be honest as I write this I have to admit I’m currently struggling myself with this concept but I’m trying my best. Things have happened in my family that I don’t think can ever be forgiven..no matter how hard I try. They’ve affected me in a really negative way and it’s too hard to forgive because if none of it ever happened my life would be so different and the fact that it could have been avoided hurts me the most. So I do know that it can be impossible to let SOME things go in case you’re reading this thinking this is bullshit. I forgive in relationships because I crave love. I’ve forgiven someone who hurt me really bad because by doing what she did I realised she wasn’t the right girl for me and I didn’t want to bring any of that extra baggage into my new relationship. I can now move on and be happy in love 😊❤️ Now my heart can be filled completely by her and not broken by people that have hurt me and that’s all anyone wants.

So finally, I do believe that forgiveness is the key to happiness but do not let people take advantage of you and abuse your kindness. God says it is the right thing to do and I agree. Yes, I do think that some things are unforgivable and I’m sure you’d agree from even just watching the news, but you know yourself what is and what’s not. Believe me, you will feel a weight off your shoulders when you realise that you need to let that grudge go and take the first step..it may take awhile for it to come full circle but by then you will have moved on and are hopefully much happier. There also might come a time in your life when you find yourself begging for someone’s forgiveness (you never know) and I’m sure you’ll be wishing they were as kind as you. Everybody makes mistakes!

Your heart is for love, not hate.
Remember that ! 😄

One love ❤️

Laters lads !! X

Soundtrack of my life

I love music more than anything else in the entire world it’s magical how much power it has and crazy the effect it has on me! Here’s a list of my favourite songs in the whole world whether you care or not … All of the songs mean something specific to me and I suppose they could be used as the soundtrack to my life … 🙂

1. Soul Asylum – Runaway Train
2. Fritz and Paul Kalkbrenner – Sky and Sand (My funeral song)
3. Green Day – Jesus of Suburbia
4. Green Day – Whatsername
5. Blink 182 – always
6. Blink 182 – feeling this
7. Gigi D’Agostino – La Passion
8. Robbie Williams – Eternity
9. Oasis – Live Forever
10. Eminem – Beautiful
11. Hopsin – Ill mind of Hopsin 5,6,7
12. Green Day – Give Me Novacaine
13. Green Day – Basket Case
14. Arctic Monkeys – Stop the world
15. Arctic Monkeys – A certain romance
16. One Republic – Say All I Need
17. SemiSonic – Closing Time
18. Red Hot Chilli Peppers – Dani California
19. The xx – Intro
20. 2pac – Keep ya head up
21. Justin Timberlake – What goes around
22. Eminem – Hailies Song
23. Jack Mellencamp – Jack and Diane
24. Iggy Pop – The passenger
25. Duran Duran – Hungry like a wolf
26. Jaymes Young – Parachute
27. Kodaline – Way back when
28. Greg Laswell – Comes and goes (Niklas Thal Edit)
29. M83 – Wait (Kygo Edit)
30. Dandy Warhols – Bohemian Like You
31. Bakermat – Vandaag
32. Squeeze – Is that love?
33. Steve Miller Band – The Joker
34. Michael Jackson – Man in the mirror
35. Chris Brown – Forever
36. Bob Marley – Redemption Song
37. Bob Marley – Is this love
38. Faithless – Insomnia
39. Owl City – Vanilla Twilight
40. All American Rejects – Move Along
41. Nickelback – Far Away
42. Kodaline – All I want
43. Lana Del Rey – Born to die
44. Billy Joel – Piano Man
45. Foals – My Number
46. Outkast – Ms Jackson
47. Biggie – Suicidal Thoughts
48. 2pac – Changes
49. Plain White T’s – A Lonely September
50. Honour Society – Where are you now
51. Eagle Eye Cherry – Save Tonight
52. Kid Cudi – Dat New New
53. Kid Cudi – pursuit of happiness
54. MGMT – Time to pretend
55. Coldplay – The scientist
56. Stereophonics – Nothing Compares To You
57. Stereophonics – Dakota
58. Kanye West – Heartless
59. Jay Z – Dirt off your shoulder
60. Ed Sheeran – Give me love
61. Ed Sheeran – Little Bird
62. Kanye West – Homecoming
63. Eminem – Mockingbird
64. Foster the kids – Pumped up kicks
65. Gorillaz – Melancholy Hill
66. Jason Derulo – Ridin Solo
67. Jack Johnson – Do you remember?
68. Eric Claptone – Wonderful Tonight
69. John Lennon – Imagine
70. U2 – Sometimes You Can’t Make It On Your Own
71. Blink 182 – Adams Song
72. Coldplay – Fix You
73. T.I – whatever you like
74. Cheap Trick – I want you
75. Jet – Are u gonna be my girl
76. Dexys Midnight Runners – Come on Eileen
77. Childish Gambino – Heartbeat
78. Mika – Happy Ending

Things/People You Don’t Need

Something I discovered this week is you don’t need things as much as you think you need them, same goes for people.

You might think that the only way you’re going to be happy is if you’re out there making loads of money and you never have to worry.. But the thing is once you have enough money bigger worries take over and some of the happiest people in the world have very little money. Yeah obviously it would be amazing to not worry about money but because most people are in the same boat you can kinda shift your thoughts and think that there’s more to life than money and you don’t need it to be happy, some of the richest people out there could never cure their depression. Money means nothing if you have nobody left to share it with.. Family and friends are more important than money will ever be. Your health is your wealth and nobody should ever forget that!

You might think you need a certain someone to keep going on but that’s not true. You don’t need anyone but yourself and the people that make you happy, nobody else. You can love someone who makes you very unhappy but then eventually you have to decide that if there is more pain than happiness then something has to change. Your heart doesn’t deserve to always be torn apart when it could actually be put back together by someone who does really want to make you happy. You’re never going to know unless you leave that pain where it belongs because you don’t need it, nobody does. Once you figure out that you don’t need that in your life then it’s easier to move on. If you do love someone who makes you happy but they don’t love you then they’re not making you very happy are they? Don’t wait for them to maybe fall in love with you move on and find someone who really does love you. You create your own happiness and if someone seems to enjoy taking that away from you then you leave, no matter how hard it is.

You do not need hate in your heart. You’re allowed to be angry at someone or something, furious even but you need to distance yourself from that situation and let go of the hate because all it does is hold you down like an anchor. Once u let go of that hate you will feel a weight lifted and it makes room for love which is the only thing that should be in your heart in fairness. It’s easy to hate someone, they can fuck you over, treat you horribly and make you feel so little but there is literally no point in holding onto those bad feelings, let them go and let those people go, that’s the hardest part but once you do it you will notice a big difference, no matter how much you hate something or someone just let it go, it’s over, move on and learn from it as much as you can, that is one thing you DO need to do.

You don’t need drugs to have a good time and I hate Dublin today where all the young ones and fellas are doing drugs and thinking nothing of it or even worse thinking there deadly because of it. It’s very hard to come across a decent girl nowadays who isn’t into doing drugs like coke etc I’ve used drugs in the past and one thing I do know is that they don’t help the situation your trying to avoid and you shouldn’t need them. I’ve no problem with weed it doesn’t agree with some people but I wouldn’t have a problem with it but I know you shouldn’t need weed for anything, to have a good time, to sleep etc and I’m working on giving it up. I just think this idea of all these young people thinking they need hard drugs to have a good night is just fucked up and shouldn’t be happening and I might sound like a gimp to some people but honestly ask me if I care?

You don’t need people that come in and out of your life like a fucking Yo-Yo, there is no point in that so just wipe them out. They usually come back into your life when THEY need something and all you have to do is tell them to kindly f**k off 🙂 don’t let people mess you about and act like your best pal and then never hear from them again those kind of people are leeches and not worth any of your time.

For me anyway I think I only need a couple of things to be happy with my life and that’s a healthy happy family , good friends , music , and southern fried chicken 🙂 anything else is just a fucking bonus as far as I can see, I’ve wiped out the dark clouds in my life and sure it’s looking like beautiful day 🙂 glaaaack

Powerless

I believe that one of the worst things you can go through is the feeling of being powerless. It is such a horrible feeling and one of the most frustrating things in the world.

At the moment I’m feeling this way quite a lot. In my life I usually like to be in control and Im certainly not afraid to take charge but when you have no say in the situation it’s really hard to deal with and I’m struggling. It drives me crazy to be honest.

When there’s something/someone on your mind constantly it can be a good or bad thing. It’s a bad thing for me right now because I’d rather not always have the thoughts that I have every second of every day but I’m powerless against it, distractions work for a short while but it’s still always there in the back of your mind. I wish I could just switch it off, someone should invent that, a device that let’s you choose your thoughts, or turn them off altogether, they’d make millions.

When you are in love with someone but can’t do anything about it, it’s pretty fucking shitty. They might love someone else, or they just might not want you. Whatever the reason is..just knowing you have all that love inside you for absolutely nothing kind of destroys a part of you, it makes you not want to feel that way ever again, but you’re powerless to stop it and I really don’t know if the feeling will ever truly go away.

When something bad happens to someone you deeply care about, and the solution is not in your hands..you feel so fucking useless and it tears you up inside. You would give your whole life just to help them but it means nothing because nothing can save them anymore, it’s too late.

When the past keeps you awake at night even when you have to be up for work at 7am you feel powerless 😦 you lie there thinking if only your body and mind would relax for long enough to get a few hours kip. You’ve no control over your past anymore but it can still haunt you every day 😦

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Not being able to control your thoughts and feelings is torture but not being able to help someone who desperately needs it is even worse. I would do anything to have it any other way and to not feel so fucking powerless against the bad odds all the time but that’s just not going to happen. Maybe one day the tables will turn and abit of luck might get thrown my way .. And the heavy weight that I feel on my shoulders will shift and fade away..
But until then it’s in someone else’s hands.