If I Had

To somebody that I used to know…

If I had of known you’d leave me feeling this shit when I reconnected with you last year I would have avoided you and stayed happy.

If I had of known that you were lying about everything you “felt” and everything you “wanted” just to hurt me as much as possible..and to get me back for the mistakes that I made I would have never trusted a word you said.

If I had of known you would make me more depressed than happy.. I would have never have talked to you in the first place.

If I had of known you’d make me fall in love with you to use it against me I would have kept my guard up.

If I had of known you’d manipulate me into feeling sorry for you even though it was you that was hurting me I wouldn’t of given you the opportunity.

If I had of known you’d put me down instead of appreciating who I am, then I would have found someone who actually did like me for me.

If I had of known you’d be out there in the world with everything I told you with no connection between us I would have never opened up to you.

If I had of known you’d use me when you wanted me and get rid of me when you didn’t I would have ran a mile in the opposite direction from the beginning.

If I had of known you’d abuse my trust, my love and the limited intelligence I have and use it to betray me in the worst way possible I would have ignored you when you struck up the first conversation.

If I had of known you’d leave me with only painful memories and a bad taste in my mouth I would have never wasted my time thinking about a future with you.

If I had of been told that down the line you’d break up my family I wouldn’t of believed it.

If I had of known you’d threaten me and show no remorse for hurting me on any occasion I would have never have fallen in love with you.

If I had of known you’d be the one to change me and make me heartless and cold I’d have stayed well away from you.

If I had of known that down the line you’d turn out to be the opposite of everything I thought you were you would have never have been a part of my life.

If I had of known what MY mistakes would do to you and the hurt I would cause you in the past, I would buy the first time machine ever made and undo all of them because I am 100% stillĀ genuinely sorry for my actions and I know I can never make up for them.

If I had ONE wish.. It wouldn’t be to get you back and make you feel the way I do, my wish would be to be put back into the position I was in before I ever knew you where nothing between us EVER happened.. and it never ended up like this.

Kindness Taken For Weakness

I think one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life is to let your happiness depend on someone else. You should never depend on someone else for such a big thing because they may not always come through, they could fuck you over and take your happiness with them and there’s no reason for me not to believe that there’s always that chance. I’ve depended on people that have made me happy because I thought they would always be there for me and you never think people that “love you” are going to hurt you but they too have fucked me over and then sadly you’re left in a depressing hole that’s hard to climb out of.

I think I’m too trusting of the wrong type of people but it’s very hard to know when a lot of people have many different faces and encourage you to trust them. I’m no saint and I have hurt people in my life but I would never do some of the things that have been done to me. Getting fucked over can make you cold, and I think it’s really sad to say never trust anyone but I think that’s probably the only way. When you trust someone you give them the chance to ruin that and make you regret ever knowing them and it’s hard to get over that shit when that happens.

I’m not saying everyone’s going to hurt you but don’t even give them the chance. It’s not worth it. At this stage I don’t think love is even worth it. Love doesn’t work and when it all breaks down the aftermath is bad enough to make you never want it again. For me anyway. Don’t expect someone to always be there, don’t expect them to stick to their word or what they make you believe because one day you can wake up and discover that’s not the case at all. They’ll fuck you over with no explanation and you’ll be wishing you’d known that this was going to happen, well here you go, listen to me because there’s a good chance it will.

The only person you should depend on for happiness is yourself because you’re never going to fuck yourself over or turn on yourself, do not put it into someone else’s hands, it’s too risky.

I know I said I wouldn’t write depressing blogs but this is just some advice, I’m still happy I just have a new perspective on life and I’ve got a new way of living it. Anyways… take my advice or don’t but I’ll certainly be living by it.

Later