Build a Bridge

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

IMG_6719.PNG

At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Laters x

IMG_6753.PNG

Advertisements

One More Shot

So this past month a lot of things have changed for me. For the better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in the last year and things are finally starting to go my way. Which is ironic because a month ago I wanted so desperately to end it all and leave this world because I never thought I’d be okay again. But something stopped me and I’m still here. I’m okay. I’m great actually and I’ve never been more happy about making a decision to give life one more shot in my life. I would have missed out on all of this.

I got a new job in the beginning of June it was construction work so some of it was new to me but I’ve learnt so much over the past couple of weeks and that makes me feel really good. It’s seasonal work so I’m finishing up the current job next week. I’ve worked really hard so I’ve decided to reward myself by jetting off to Thailand next week 😊 I can’t fucking wait. I’m going with my brother his mate and my best mate. Were going to go island hopping and just basically have an adventure! It’s exactly what I need and I’ve never been this excited for something in a long time.

IMG_6544.PNG

I’m not saying things are perfect, there is definitely still problems but I’m stronger and a lot happier so I’ve the confidence to get through them. I’ve turned a corner in my life and I think it was fate. That sounds gay but I was in such a dark place last month and I could have finished it all but I didn’t and now I don’t think I will ever be like that again. It gets better, and I’ve gotten better. I’ll always remember that and you should too! If you’re feeling like I was, give it one last shot.. And maybe in a few weeks you will be thanking god you didn’t make the wrong decision.

Be happy and stay happy! 😊

Laters Guys !! x

New Year .. In March

How’s it going lads? Well it’s going great for me haha. It seems appropriate for me to post this today seeing as it is international day of happiness across the world so here it goes 😀😀

The title says it all to be honest, I’m starting my new year again cause I started it badly a few months back so I’m starting all over again in March 🙂 don’t know if that’s in the rules of life or anything but I make and break the rules so there you go 🙂

The reason for this is I had a couple of set backs over the past few months but I’m not dumb enough to let that happen again, not in a million years. So I’m starting down a new path and to be completely honest I’m as happy as that chap Larry 🙂 I love reading people’s blogs myself and some are sad and then you come across ones that positive and happy and I’m just like good for you! So that’s kinda why I’m writing this cause feels like all I ever put on here is depressing shit (soz)

I’m done with all that, what a waste of time like, I’ve spent so much of my life being unhappy and going through hard times that I need to even out that ratio and start being happy and have GREAT times. 🙂

First of, I’ve a new job lined up so I won’t be a carpenter anymore, it’s been good craic the past few years and I’ll probably go back to it in the future but for now I want to try new things and I’m so lucky to have the opportunity so I hope it all works out 🙂

Next I’m moving to a new location with some friends which will be deadly because I’m sick of my area and I really need a change.

I’m also off the drink and drugs and swapping them for books and the gym. Many people think I’m as thick as two bricks and they might be right but that won’t be the case soon enough and I’ll be the last one laughing 🙂

Waking up with hangovers all the time or skaggin is just not doing it for me anymore surprisingly enough haha..I want to be fresh, healthy and smart.

I’m also planning to spend my summer abroad, travelling and working and with the weather getting better and days going by faster I’m getting more and more excited 🙂

On the love front..I feel like a teenager again playing the field and I’m not as bad as I was when I was 16 but it’s still a bit of fun and nothing too serious which is exactly what I need right now 🙂 so it’s all goooooood!

Anyways that’s basically my plans for the year, it’s been a tough old road with family shit and I’ve had my heart broken more than enough times but I can finally say that I’m in a really good place now with great people surrounding me and I won’t let anything or anyone hold me back from being happy, hopefully you don’t see any more depressing blogs from me! (fingers crossed)

And I hope that whoever you are reading this, if you’ve had a tough time recently that things start looking up for you 🙂

Laters ! 🌞

Is this it?

Just as I’m lying here in my bed with the moon and stars shining in through my window I routinely start to over think. I stare at the stars and it dawns on me that in a little over a months time I’m going to be 22 years old. I feel as though I haven’t achieved anything significant, I have so many dreams but what if they just stay dreams?

As Drake once said ‘YOLO’ and people took the piss with that phrase haha but he’s absolutely right and I don’t want to waste my life away. I look into the sky and try picture how big the world actually is with nearly 8 billion people living on it and I think there must be something better than this?

There was a reason I was born in Dublin in 1993 and there’s a reason I’m here and it’s not just cause the condom broke! I believe the meaning of life is to find out why you are here, at this moment in time. I don’t think it’s all down to chance and you only have one life to discover yourself. Everybody has something to offer to the world, and everybody can make a difference, big or small, if they try hard enough. I know this is all real deep but I just realised I don’t wanna float through life and not see what the world has to offer me. I’m already practically 22 and I’m still living at home going to the same 9-5 job and it’s okay it’s ‘grand’ and I’m a lazy fucker too so that doesn’t help haha, but I’m certainly not satisfied with the way my life is.

I think I’ll start small and make mini changes to my lifestyle, try new activities and travel as much as I can. Then over time I might figure out what life actually means for me and how I can get the most out of it. You never know I might even find someone to share my life with, and she might bring some meaning to it 🙂 BUT that seems like a long shot but we’ll see…

All I know is I don’t want to be lying in the same bed at 23 looking at the big black sky regretting not having started living my life, or even worse be at the end of my life having not achieved or done ANYTHING really except work in the same job until retirement and then chill as an oul fella with my 30 year old wife haha.. No I know that’s not what I want. Although the 30 year old wife part wouldn’t be TOO bad 😉
There has to be more to life, and hopefully I find out that there is 🙂 if it doesn’t work out for me then at least I tried and really, what’s life without ambition?!

Wish me luck 😉

mae west