Everyday is a school day

Wassup kids

I started this blog when I was 21 years old, a baby!! I had a lot to learn, even though I thought I had the game of life all figured out. I mean I started a blog called the key to deal with life? As if I knew something yous didn’t?! Hahaha. I haven’t written a blog in a long long time I have about 15 drafts dating back 2 or 3 years that just never seemed good enough to publish. This blog is different because it deals with something close to my heart and I think it might be the most important thing I’ve ever written. I want to share an experience I had recently that made me feel like I’ve taken a huge step forward in my life and made me feel like a real adult.

This blog is about a speech I gave in an American high school on 25th of April. The speech was about depression. I am in no way an expert on the subject I ain’t got no qualifications, I just know from personal experiences. It’s important to spread awareness to young people because as you know if it goes untreated it only gets worse in adulthood.

So this is what I told them…

Background

The reason for me coming to America is a dark one. Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. I gave myself one more chance to find happiness and I put all my faith in New York to do just that. If it didn’t, it didn’t, that was it, I was tapping out. Now, look, I’m still here…I don’t think I’m a survivor of depression in any way, I still have my struggles (believe me). Its an uphill battle everyday but over the years I’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t so here’s what I think contributes to depression and the best ways to cope with it.

Depression

Depression is hard to see because it’s easy to hide. It’s easy to fake laugh and it’s a lot easier to say I’m okay than to dive into your problem. It’s even easier to find an unhealthy coping mechanism such as alcohol or drugs.

It can affect absolutely anybody. It doesn’t matter if you are rich with a loving family, with the whole world at your feet, like Chester Bennington or Avicii, you can still collapse under the weight of it and sadly lose your battle. They felt like nothing could save them. It’s unfortunate for me to say but I know how they felt and I relate a little too closely to a lot of Linkin Parks final songs. When I was a teenager I never in a million years thought I’d have to deal with my own mental health issues. I think everyone always thinks that would never happen to me….until it does.

You could live in the beautiful city of New York with a population of 8.5 million and still feel so alone. Suicide rates are at an all time high here and across the world.

In case you didn’t know, depression feels like you are swimming against the tide and I just want you all to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, I have felt it and I still do. Sometimes I feel so dead inside that when I go to the gym and see my heart rate being monitored I snap back to reality like woah I’m really in this in bitch haha…its easy to go numb on life and just go on autopilot but that’s a signal for you to get help.

There are amazing services out there and there are people that just want to listen. Believe me you will feel better just by talking. When I was 17/18 I kept everything bottled up, I never even cried. One day I began opening up and now I can’t stop I even cry at ads on the tv hahaha. With male suicide rates increasing every year don’t be ashamed to open up or even cry. It’s a sign of strength not weakness. I still stand by that only the strongest people cry at the end of monsters inc and I don’t care what anybody says.

School

School ain’t gonna last forever kids. So enjoy it while you can if you’re one of the lucky ones that has a laugh in school. If you’re someone that hates school, again remember that it’s not gonna last forever. Don’t worry and stress too much about getting the college or job you want, you all have the ability to do great things and no lack of qualification or experience is going to stop you from doing that if you believe in yourself. You’re going to be who you’re going to be. Don’t compare yourself to everyone else, because while now it probably seems like it’s a race to be the best, the real race of life is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself!

Friends

Always look out for your friends and support them in what they choose. You will find out when you get older that your number of friends starts to decrease as everyone starts building their own lives. Choose your friends wisely, if they’re not making a positive impact on your life, drop them. Always check up on your friends. Don’t assume they’re fine without asking, you never ever know what’s going through someone’s head. Some people are very good at hiding how distraught they really are. If someone does open up to you about a problem, recognise that is very scary and vulnerable thing for them to do, so show as much compassion and patience as possible. (I don’t know what I would do without the support system I have, I probably wouldn’t be here. So shout out to you all.πŸ’›)

Relationships

I cannot stress this enough. Do not be reckless with peoples hearts. Do not put up with people who are reckless with yours. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Build your other half up and support them, be their biggest fan.. but just make sure they’re worth it. Don’t get taken for granted. Know your own worth.

Now I’m not perfect when it comes to this, I’ve lived and relived the player lifestyle and I’ve lived the good boyfriend lifestyle. One thing I know is you cannot live both lives simultaneously. I am seriously speaking from experience about this, I’ve ducked my hand in that cookie jar when I shouldn’t have and while it was all fun and games at the time real people got hurt, and in the end the only one left hurting was me. Even Drake couldn’t write this shit. Be gentle with peoples hearts, we all only have the one.

Don’t let one person define your happiness

I learnt this the hard way. Not to be cynical or anything but don’t always believe that people will be there for you no matter what. Sometimes they won’t. And sometimes that won’t be their choice. They could have promised you all your hopes and dreams in a moment and down the line they could deny ever doing that.. but that could be when you need them the most. Without freaking you out too much, I think you should just be aware that one day the person you depend on and put your life into could for some reason be gone. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it matters that they’re gone and you weren’t expecting it. This could be a boyfriend/girlfriend, family or friends. If this happens, you will be expected to carry on and live through the pain of losing that person and I believe that you can because I am. If you learn anything from me i want that to be to love yourself enough and believe you have the confidence and strength to come out the other side of it a stronger and better person.

Everything I knew, just went out the window, now I can’t depend on you, forever.

Finally, I just want to say be the kindness you want to see in the world. I know sometimes it’s difficult, a lot of things can get you down but as Kanye said “if you wanna see the true character of a person watch the way they treat someone who can’t do anything for them”. There is a lot of pain in the world in the moment, you know that as well as I do. We can all play a small part in changing that by loving ourselves and loving one another. Spend time with your family and cherish every minute spent with the people you love.

Every cloud eventually runs out of rain. What you’re experiencing is just a season, not the overall climate. So keep going.

I was on a high after giving my speech and the feedback I got was extremely positive. I can only hope that I get the opportunity to do it again for more people. This is probably the longest blog I’m ever going to write but it’s a new chapter of my life and it had to be shared. I’m taking every day as it comes but at least now I think I’ve finally found my purpose.

Kudos to you if you recognised all the song references in there 😏

Laters … 😊 X

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Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

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How to get over someone

1. Do You
If you loved someone and it broke down and you’re trying to move on, the first thing to do is focus on yourself. Think about the way you want to be, your goals for the future, HOW you’re going to make yourself happy.

When I was trying to get over someone this year it felt like it would never happen. Of course you can take your few days to have a cry and feel sorry for yourself or if you’re me get off your head hammered. But after that you need to snap out of it and realise it’s over and the sooner you realise that the sooner you will be happy. I decided I was going to put all of my effort into work. I was going to earn loads of money, save up, move out and travel, which would hopefully make me happy. I’ve been doing that all Summer and I feel really proud for how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come.

2. Chill with the lads/girls
Your mates love you and they don’t want to see you sad over some bastard/bitch. You should have a rule that yous never mention their name in convo. Chill out, go cruising, go on a night out, do anything that takes your mind off what you’re feeling because you’ll soon realise 2 hours has passed and you haven’t thought about them once. Do not isolate yourself and listen to achy breaky love songs… trust me..it won’t help.

3. Delete and Block it all
Those photos you have on your phone are no good to you now, they will only make you sad/pissed off. Delete them all so you don’t have to see them ever again. Block your ex on everything, because we all know you be checking their whatsapp last seen like there’s no tomorrow wondering who they’re texting, why are they online, and worst of all sending drunk texts that don’t fucking delete from the convo. Block all that shit, you don’t need the stress of that. Out of sight, out of mind.

4. “I miss you”
This WILL happen. No matter what they did.. It will suddenly hit you that you miss them. You will want to text or ring them and hear their voice or have a chat, maybe try work things out?
This is because at one point you did love them but you miss what you HAD. Most of the time you do not miss THEM. You hear a song, or see something that reminds you of them and you’re hit with a PANG. When this happens think about the bad things, why it broke down in the first place.. How annoying they can be.. How they never shut the fuck up.. How mean they can be.. How THEY haven’t text/called you once..Whatever it is about them that you don’t like, fucking focus on that shit and make sure it’s all you think about when they unfortunately come into your head. Remember that they’re not missing you.

5. Get with someone else
This is selfish but I believe it has to happen. You need the attention and you need to know you still got it. Go out and talk to someone you like, and be with them. It can just be a one night thing, no strings attached but being with someone else will make you feel better in the long run. You realise you can have other people and that down the line there will be somebody else for you. And if nothing else, it’s sex so end of argument haha.

6. Give it enough time
Getting over someone you really loved is never going to be an easy or quick process. I seriously think it’s one of the hardest things to go through in life but if you give yourself enough time and enough space away from that person you should feel your heart slowly mending itself and after awhile you feel a lot stronger than you did when it first happened.

7. Realise what you’re worth
Now I’m pretty sure you are all wonderful people but unfortunately not many people give themselves the credit. You need to value yourself and recognise that you need to be treated WELL. Nobody deserves to be treated badly and you should never let anyone do that to you. Gain back your confidence and learn to love yourself. Which is a VERY hard thing to do for some people, including myself, but once you do…you find happiness. Write down one thing you like about yourself everyday until you have a long list. Once you feel good about yourself you will feel positive about YOUR future and not dwell in the past.

8. Keep Busy
After these 7 things a few weeks maybe months should have passed, and through doing these things you should encounter new people and new things. So all of a sudden you realise that you haven’t thought about them all day. You don’t even care who they’re texting or what they’re up to because you’re busy with YOUR life. You’re on your way to achieving your goals whatever they may be and you might even like someone else who’s making you forget about them completely. For the first time in a long time you knowΒ you’re going to be okay.. which means you’re well on the road to happiness.

It took me a long time to get through these steps especially since I have BPD and when I love someone I reaaaally love them and when it ends it can feel like my whole world is falling apart and there’s no point in even being here. It can get very bad. But I’ve changed my mindset and literally forced myself out of bed so many times so that I can go out and better myself. Β A few months down the line I’m finally happy, I’m seeing someone I really really like and care about, (She loves me πŸ˜‰), and I’m working hard towards my goals.

You deserve to be happy and if you’re going through a break up I feel for you. But don’t stay at the pity party too long because the rest of your life is waiting and life is extremely short. Try spend it happy.

Thanks for reading I hope it helps someone.

Peace x

Build a Bridge

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

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At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Laters x

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One More Shot

So this past month a lot of things have changed for me. For the better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in the last year and things are finally starting to go my way. Which is ironic because a month ago I wanted so desperately to end it all and leave this world because I never thought I’d be okay again. But something stopped me and I’m still here. I’m okay. I’m great actually and I’ve never been more happy about making a decision to give life one more shot in my life. I would have missed out on all of this.

I got a new job in the beginning of June it was construction work so some of it was new to me but I’ve learnt so much over the past couple of weeks and that makes me feel really good. It’s seasonal work so I’m finishing up the current job next week. I’ve worked really hard so I’ve decided to reward myself by jetting off to Thailand next week 😊 I can’t fucking wait. I’m going with my brother his mate and my best mate. Were going to go island hopping and just basically have an adventure! It’s exactly what I need and I’ve never been this excited for something in a long time.

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I’m not saying things are perfect, there is definitely still problems but I’m stronger and a lot happier so I’ve the confidence to get through them. I’ve turned a corner in my life and I think it was fate. That sounds gay but I was in such a dark place last month and I could have finished it all but I didn’t and now I don’t think I will ever be like that again. It gets better, and I’ve gotten better. I’ll always remember that and you should too! If you’re feeling like I was, give it one last shot.. And maybe in a few weeks you will be thanking god you didn’t make the wrong decision.

Be happy and stay happy! 😊

Laters Guys !! x

Why can’t we leave those who hurt us?

I was talking to my friend today about her 8 year relationship that is inevitably going to be over soon. Her boyfriend has been treating her like shit for months now and he spends all of his time with other girls. He has no intention of changing his ways and in fairness to him he’s tried to leave the relationship but has never fully gone through with it. My friend is doing everything she can to keep this guy. Nearly accepting that he is clearly cheating and psyching herself up to stay with him no matter what and making millions of excuses for him. I constantly tell her that she has to leave, it’s going nowhere and she can do so much better but she doesn’t listen. So why is it that she desperately wants to stay with this guy who obviously doesn’t care about her? She’s only 24 so she has plenty of time to find loads of new lads and she definitely wouldn’t be short on offers but she’s desperate to make it work with this guy that is driving her to breaking point. Why?

I kept asking myself this over and over because I just couldn’t understand why she would put herself through that. Then I realised. I do the exact same thing. It’s in different situations but I act and feel the same way she does. I find it so hard to get over people that don’t give a shit about me and I’m constantly questioning everything that went wrong and thinking about what ifs when they aren’t giving me one thought. I want the people back in my life that walked out voluntarily. Why?! I should hate these people and part of me does but part of me desperately wants them to want me back. I can’t be the only one? It’s so confusing because one minute I can be like I fucking hate those stupid bitches and I turn into rapper Big Sean singing ‘I Don’t Fuck With Youuuu!!” word for word hahaha… aaaand then I start missing them again. I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the people that do care about me and don’t get me wrong I AM extremely grateful, but I find it so easy to ignore a text message from someone that is clearly interested in being a part of my life while at the same time finding it so hard to let go of people that want nothing to do with me. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up, and I’m a massive fucking hypocrite.

You accept the love you think you deserve. I don’t know if it’s just a case of wanting what you can’t have or what but it’s a messed up situation that leads to a serious amount of unhappiness. It could be my disorder fucking me up again like “I hate you, don’t leave me” and maybe a part of it is to do with my BPD but I’m not sure all of it is because my friend has nothing wrong with her and she’s feeling the same way as me. I would love nothing more than to forget the people that have done me wrong and not let them entertain my thoughts and DEFINITELY not miss them but unfortunately for some fucked up reason I’m not in that place at the moment but I hope someday I will learn how to let people go and completely forget them. That will be the day.. I can give advice and actually believe in it and trust that it works..because how can I tell someone to leave a painful situation when I can’t even do it myself πŸ˜”

When you love someone, even if there are a million reasons to leave, you still look for that one reason to stay.

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I guess we all just want to be loved. The fear that we will never find love with someone else causes us to hold on to what’s left with someone even if it’s destroying you and you know in your heart that you should leave. Question is, are you strong enough to save yourself?

I’m not at the moment, but I will be. I promise myself I will never be in this position again. I need to learn to love myself enough to let go of things that aren’t good for me, and never EVER look fucking back.

This song is one of my favourite songs in the whole world and it completely explains how I feel, word for word.

If you can relate to what I’m saying I hope you are strong enough too.

Laters x

If I Had

To somebody that I used to know…

If I had of known you’d leave me feeling this shit when I reconnected with you last year I would have avoided you and stayed happy.

If I had of known that you were lying about everything you “felt” and everything you “wanted” just to hurt me as much as possible..and to get me back for the mistakes that I made I would have never trusted a word you said.

If I had of known you would make me more depressed than happy.. I would have never have talked to you in the first place.

If I had of known you’d make me fall in love with you to use it against me I would have kept my guard up.

If I had of known you’d manipulate me into feeling sorry for you even though it was you that was hurting me I wouldn’t of given you the opportunity.

If I had of known you’d put me down instead of appreciating who I am, then I would have found someone who actually did like me for me.

If I had of known you’d be out there in the world with everything I told you with no connection between us I would have never opened up to you.

If I had of known you’d use me when you wanted me and get rid of me when you didn’t I would have ran a mile in the opposite direction from the beginning.

If I had of known you’d abuse my trust, my love and the limited intelligence I have and use it to betray me in the worst way possible I would have ignored you when you struck up the first conversation.

If I had of known you’d leave me with only painful memories and a bad taste in my mouth I would have never wasted my time thinking about a future with you.

If I had of been told that down the line you’d break up my family I wouldn’t of believed it.

If I had of known you’d threaten me and show no remorse for hurting me on any occasion I would have never have fallen in love with you.

If I had of known you’d be the one to change me and make me heartless and cold I’d have stayed well away from you.

If I had of known that down the line you’d turn out to be the opposite of everything I thought you were you would have never have been a part of my life.

If I had of known what MY mistakes would do to you and the hurt I would cause you in the past, I would buy the first time machine ever made and undo all of them because I am 100% stillΒ genuinely sorry for my actions and I know I can never make up for them.

If I had ONE wish.. It wouldn’t be to get you back and make you feel the way I do, my wish would be to be put back into the position I was in before I ever knew you where nothing between us EVER happened.. and it never ended up like this.