There She Goes

I love you. Your happiness means more to me than anything else in this world.. If you can find happiness without me..then I am glad. So long as you feel a smile on your lips and warmth in your soul I will find it in myself to be happy too.

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Things I Love/Hate about relationships

Okay so.. Basically I’m a relationship kinda guy..despite what some people may think. 80% of the time I prefer being a relationship than being with a load of randoms. I like things to mean something. I’m not even embarrassed to say that I like romance and I like to be romantic. I think lads should pay for stuff and pull out girls chairs and open their doors etc etc. Might be old fashioned but I enjoy it so fuck it.

Anyways, I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while and I’m trying to figure out if it’s what I really want right now so I’ve made a list of things I Love about them and things I don’t love so much. This was originally me just trying to organise my thoughts but fuck it I’ll post it if anyone’s bored enough to read this ..

Things I Love

– Having someone there that will listen to you when you need to talk..help you with a problem or even just have a laugh. I like my girlfriend to be my best friend.
– Cuddles and Spooning.
– Very regular sex.. Nuff said
– Good morning texts.. And “other” texts that only a girlfriend would send.
– Showing her off. I’m proud of whatever is mine so Im happy showing my girl off in front of my mates. And smirking at the fellas who can’t have her because she’s mine.
– Knowing that someone loves you, cares about you, and wants to be with YOU makes it pretty hard to ever be sad.
– Having crazy deep stupid conversations that you only have with someone you’re mad comfortable with instead of bullshit small talk.
– Having someone that understands you and accepts you for who you are and still loves you is an amazing feeling.
– Date nights, holding hands, netflix and chill.. All that good shit
– Stupid inside jokes that crack yous up that no one else understands
– Not wasting time trying to pull when you’re out because you have a beautiful girl already.
– Getting drunk and high with your girl should be top of this list tbh.

Things I dislike
– I dislike how relationships either end in something very serious or they end all together. I think that’s a lot of pressure. I guess you just have to be prepared for that and make sure the girl is worth it, either way.
– Jealousy. I can be a very jealous guy.. I’m very protective and I can get angry quick enough if I think something’s going on which I need to work on because it’s either that or I don’t give a fuck at all so I need to find a middle ground.
Your girlfriend can get jealous too. Which CAN be cute sometimes but it can be an absolute nightmare aswell if she’s going psycho every time a girl looks at you or likes your pic.. Relax.. It’s not my fault I’m good looking.
– The fear that they will cheat on you. This is a constant fear of mine because I’ve been cheated on before and I’ve been fucked over loads of times so I just think people are really hard to trust. And sometimes it’s easier to just be single and not worry about that shit.
– Their family and friends have to like you. For me, this is a must because I just think it’s crazy awkward when you know her sister or friends think she shouldn’t be with you or her parents hate you etc I want an easy life and I could do without that.
– Having fights and seeing your single friends care free. I hate when I’m fighting with a girl and I see my mates and I just think fuck that it’s really not worth it.
– When you’re in a relationship all of a sudden everyone wants a piece of you. This leads to serious temptation but results in nothing but daydreams.
– When you’re single you have no one to answer to.. Which sometimes I actually like because I like being looked after but most of the time I rather do my own thing and not have someone nagging me about my life decisions.

That’s all I can think of at the moment.. I do think relationships are better than being single overall but they both definitely have their flaws.
Making this list has just made me more confused….

Oh well .. Laters guys !!

How to get over someone

1. Do You
If you loved someone and it broke down and you’re trying to move on, the first thing to do is focus on yourself. Think about the way you want to be, your goals for the future, HOW you’re going to make yourself happy.

When I was trying to get over someone this year it felt like it would never happen. Of course you can take your few days to have a cry and feel sorry for yourself or if you’re me get off your head hammered. But after that you need to snap out of it and realise it’s over and the sooner you realise that the sooner you will be happy. I decided I was going to put all of my effort into work. I was going to earn loads of money, save up, move out and travel, which would hopefully make me happy. I’ve been doing that all Summer and I feel really proud for how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come.

2. Chill with the lads/girls
Your mates love you and they don’t want to see you sad over some bastard/bitch. You should have a rule that yous never mention their name in convo. Chill out, go cruising, go on a night out, do anything that takes your mind off what you’re feeling because you’ll soon realise 2 hours has passed and you haven’t thought about them once. Do not isolate yourself and listen to achy breaky love songs… trust me..it won’t help.

3. Delete and Block it all
Those photos you have on your phone are no good to you now, they will only make you sad/pissed off. Delete them all so you don’t have to see them ever again. Block your ex on everything, because we all know you be checking their whatsapp last seen like there’s no tomorrow wondering who they’re texting, why are they online, and worst of all sending drunk texts that don’t fucking delete from the convo. Block all that shit, you don’t need the stress of that. Out of sight, out of mind.

4. “I miss you”
This WILL happen. No matter what they did.. It will suddenly hit you that you miss them. You will want to text or ring them and hear their voice or have a chat, maybe try work things out?
This is because at one point you did love them but you miss what you HAD. Most of the time you do not miss THEM. You hear a song, or see something that reminds you of them and you’re hit with a PANG. When this happens think about the bad things, why it broke down in the first place.. How annoying they can be.. How they never shut the fuck up.. How mean they can be.. How THEY haven’t text/called you once..Whatever it is about them that you don’t like, fucking focus on that shit and make sure it’s all you think about when they unfortunately come into your head. Remember that they’re not missing you.

5. Get with someone else
This is selfish but I believe it has to happen. You need the attention and you need to know you still got it. Go out and talk to someone you like, and be with them. It can just be a one night thing, no strings attached but being with someone else will make you feel better in the long run. You realise you can have other people and that down the line there will be somebody else for you. And if nothing else, it’s sex so end of argument haha.

6. Give it enough time
Getting over someone you really loved is never going to be an easy or quick process. I seriously think it’s one of the hardest things to go through in life but if you give yourself enough time and enough space away from that person you should feel your heart slowly mending itself and after awhile you feel a lot stronger than you did when it first happened.

7. Realise what you’re worth
Now I’m pretty sure you are all wonderful people but unfortunately not many people give themselves the credit. You need to value yourself and recognise that you need to be treated WELL. Nobody deserves to be treated badly and you should never let anyone do that to you. Gain back your confidence and learn to love yourself. Which is a VERY hard thing to do for some people, including myself, but once you do…you find happiness. Write down one thing you like about yourself everyday until you have a long list. Once you feel good about yourself you will feel positive about YOUR future and not dwell in the past.

8. Keep Busy
After these 7 things a few weeks maybe months should have passed, and through doing these things you should encounter new people and new things. So all of a sudden you realise that you haven’t thought about them all day. You don’t even care who they’re texting or what they’re up to because you’re busy with YOUR life. You’re on your way to achieving your goals whatever they may be and you might even like someone else who’s making you forget about them completely. For the first time in a long time you know you’re going to be okay.. which means you’re well on the road to happiness.

It took me a long time to get through these steps especially since I have BPD and when I love someone I reaaaally love them and when it ends it can feel like my whole world is falling apart and there’s no point in even being here. It can get very bad. But I’ve changed my mindset and literally forced myself out of bed so many times so that I can go out and better myself.  A few months down the line I’m finally happy, I’m seeing someone I really really like and care about, (She loves me 😉), and I’m working hard towards my goals.

You deserve to be happy and if you’re going through a break up I feel for you. But don’t stay at the pity party too long because the rest of your life is waiting and life is extremely short. Try spend it happy.

Thanks for reading I hope it helps someone.

Peace x

FuckGirls

So just about everybody has heard the term ‘fuckboy’ at this stage. It’s going around a lot nowadays but incase you don’t know what it means it’s basically what was formerly known as a prick/player/dick/bastard to women.. Whichever you like yourself hahah.. Generally it’s the type of guy that leads girls on, messes with their head, looking for one thing blah blah I’m sure you know one or two off the top of your head 😊

To be completely honest with ya I’ve been called a fuck boy a few times haha but “of course” I don’t think I am.. Maybe I was.. But I really don’t think so anymore.. At least I try my very hardest not to be.

Anyways this blog is not about fuckboys because tbh us men get a pretty bad rep the whole time and it’s hard for us to fight back cause in fairness to girls they do have a lot of evidence to go on and BY FUCK are they good at getting that evidence hahaha …

BUT there are fuckgirls too. Or fuckgirlos if you’re from Dublin and you’re dealing with these moths that think they are the bees knees like, hunreal. When really they’re a walking STI…By Deans definition they are a head melter/ teaser/ mindfucker / or basically just a heartless bitch..in case you didn’t understand what I was getting at hahah but unfortunately for us blokes they are usually unreal looking and what’s in our jocks controls a lot of what we do and think… and anyways you can’t really be playing people with a face like Freddie Krueger now can ya? Hard to get?! You’re hard to want! Hahahaha

These girls will chew you up and spit you out on the daily. They think you’re going to hurt them so they hurt you first. Yeno why? Because they’ve been hurt in the past..

Who the fuck hasn’t?

They tease you, flirt their hole off with you, leave you thinking you’re DA FOOKIN MAN, LAD of all lads, make you feel like you’re in there like bleedin’ swimwear but then nothing. They don’t want anything.. “They’re not that kinda girl”. Yeah fucking right… They hook you with a good sense of humour and some interesting shit to say and if you’re anything like me those two things combined with a nice face (ass) is enough to make you wanna marry this girl. BUT she’s the same with everyone, she’s texting a few fellas and they’re all thinking the same.. I’m in there, she wants a piece of this.. look at the amount of winky faces she’s giving me ehhh!! Hahaha yeno the craic…

Meanwhile she’s screenshotting everything your sappy ass sends her and sending it to her girlos in a groupchat being like “awww bless” and the rest of them are ripping the complete piss out of you. You’re a goner dude. Game over.

To me getting played by one of these bitches is worse than being stuck in the friend zone for all of eternity.

ITS NOT CHRISTMAS BUT I CAN MAKE YA MY X MISS !!

I’m not saying girls can’t flirt and have fun without it having to lead somewhere but these bitches go one further, they make you trust them, open up to them, fall in love with them but in reality you actually don’t mean anything to them man. You’re just another fella that’s probably going to hurt her down the line anyway so she’ll cut it off when it gets “too much” and he’s proper fallen for her which leaves him heartbroken, hating on bitches and vowing to be an asshole for the rest of his life ha..sad face…

It’s a pretty bad circle to be stuck in.. You’ve got hurt before and you don’t want that to happen again so YOU do the hurting, fuck them.. Boys don’t have feelings! Haha they don’t care! They only want sex anyway…Hmmmm

I’ve learnt to try avoid these girlos but they are quite good at the game, and sometimes mans be weak. But if a bitch starts playing me I’ll play her twice as hard because after all .. Lads are pros at it anyway 😉

!!

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All jokes aside, it’s not a good way to live life and it’s just a fucking shitty way to treat people. Nothing I value more than someone who is outstraight about how they feel.. No need for the mind games ..She loves me..She loves me not kinda shit …

Nobody got time for that

But if your girls a hairdresser fucking keep her cause free cuts man! She can do what she likes better than paying 15 quid every 2 weeks hahaha😉

Respect each other

All you fuckboys and fuckgirls .. Karma will get ya 😊

Laters !!

Why can’t we leave those who hurt us?

I was talking to my friend today about her 8 year relationship that is inevitably going to be over soon. Her boyfriend has been treating her like shit for months now and he spends all of his time with other girls. He has no intention of changing his ways and in fairness to him he’s tried to leave the relationship but has never fully gone through with it. My friend is doing everything she can to keep this guy. Nearly accepting that he is clearly cheating and psyching herself up to stay with him no matter what and making millions of excuses for him. I constantly tell her that she has to leave, it’s going nowhere and she can do so much better but she doesn’t listen. So why is it that she desperately wants to stay with this guy who obviously doesn’t care about her? She’s only 24 so she has plenty of time to find loads of new lads and she definitely wouldn’t be short on offers but she’s desperate to make it work with this guy that is driving her to breaking point. Why?

I kept asking myself this over and over because I just couldn’t understand why she would put herself through that. Then I realised. I do the exact same thing. It’s in different situations but I act and feel the same way she does. I find it so hard to get over people that don’t give a shit about me and I’m constantly questioning everything that went wrong and thinking about what ifs when they aren’t giving me one thought. I want the people back in my life that walked out voluntarily. Why?! I should hate these people and part of me does but part of me desperately wants them to want me back. I can’t be the only one? It’s so confusing because one minute I can be like I fucking hate those stupid bitches and I turn into rapper Big Sean singing ‘I Don’t Fuck With Youuuu!!” word for word hahaha… aaaand then I start missing them again. I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the people that do care about me and don’t get me wrong I AM extremely grateful, but I find it so easy to ignore a text message from someone that is clearly interested in being a part of my life while at the same time finding it so hard to let go of people that want nothing to do with me. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up, and I’m a massive fucking hypocrite.

You accept the love you think you deserve. I don’t know if it’s just a case of wanting what you can’t have or what but it’s a messed up situation that leads to a serious amount of unhappiness. It could be my disorder fucking me up again like “I hate you, don’t leave me” and maybe a part of it is to do with my BPD but I’m not sure all of it is because my friend has nothing wrong with her and she’s feeling the same way as me. I would love nothing more than to forget the people that have done me wrong and not let them entertain my thoughts and DEFINITELY not miss them but unfortunately for some fucked up reason I’m not in that place at the moment but I hope someday I will learn how to let people go and completely forget them. That will be the day.. I can give advice and actually believe in it and trust that it works..because how can I tell someone to leave a painful situation when I can’t even do it myself 😔

When you love someone, even if there are a million reasons to leave, you still look for that one reason to stay.

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I guess we all just want to be loved. The fear that we will never find love with someone else causes us to hold on to what’s left with someone even if it’s destroying you and you know in your heart that you should leave. Question is, are you strong enough to save yourself?

I’m not at the moment, but I will be. I promise myself I will never be in this position again. I need to learn to love myself enough to let go of things that aren’t good for me, and never EVER look fucking back.

This song is one of my favourite songs in the whole world and it completely explains how I feel, word for word.

If you can relate to what I’m saying I hope you are strong enough too.

Laters x

Notches Beat Scars

Put your hands up if you think sex is better than love? Anybody? Just me? Yeah right!

I have decided at my lovely age of 22 that yeah, sex IS better than love. A lot better. I’ve been in love and I’ve been in a woman and the second one just has to top it every fucking time haha you wanna know why? Because never once have I been hurt by sex (that I didn’t enjoy, that is) and the amount of times I’ve been hurt by love? I’m not even going to say. Yeah sex WITH love is what everybody wants but then you just run the risk of getting your heart broken so I’m not into that anymore.

I’m enjoying myself at the moment and my new thinking is notches on the bedpost is better than scars on your wrists or heart. That got deep fast didn’t it?! Hahaha

Anyways, you might think I’m an asshole for writing this and that’s cool but I’ve got a few reasons. I’m not saying I’m going to use girls for sex and then fuck off I’m still a nice guy deep down but I’m just not interested in the love part anymore.

I fall in love quite easily because of the way I am but I don’t fall out of it easily. From my past experiences it’s left me depressed with a few scars on the old wrists and wot not when things got really bad and I feel an empty hole in my chest where my heart is supposed to be, I’m scarred emotionally and physically from this great thing called ‘Love’ and I just figured better to scar my bedpost instead haha. I’m not interested in getting hurt again, and this is a good way to avoid that I think 😊

Fuck it I’m young and good looking, both of those things will change soon enough so better use them while I can… No strings attached, my heart stays in tact… Perfect 😊 I might have to build a new bedpost in fairness though 😮 hahaha..

Anyone who’s reading this and doesn’t agree with me.. Sorry but.. You’re not doing it right mate haha…

Goooood Luck 😉

Just a Friend

There’s four words I hate to hear from a girl and no surprisingly enough its not “Is it in yet?” no, the four words I hate are “He’s just a friend”. Yeah fucking right. Nine times out of ten that is not the case. Yeah for some girls they do have guys in their life that are unfortunately (for them) stuck in the friend zone and you know they will never climb out so you’re not worried about those guys, you’re worried about the ones that are just like you. Guys know guys, and we know the way we think. I mean, if I was texting a girl and she had a lad already I’d feel sorry him. Clearly your girls not loyal if shes in my inbox and no.. I’m not looking to be her ‘friend’. So he should be worried, because as soon as he screws up shes going to be all over me, for revenge, to make him jealous, to get over him.. who the fuck cares?!

I’m still getting laid.

That’s all well and good when you’re on that side of the story but when YOU have a girl that you love and she’s texting lads that she claims are ‘just friends’ you dump that motherfucker. Before you get hurt. You know what will happen, you’ll have a fight, she’ll cry on their shoulder and boom you lost her to this “so called mate”. Problem is, she shouldn’t be doing that in the first place. If shes loyal to you she won’t text anybody she knows you don’t like, and you’ll do the same for her. You don’t have to be possessive about it though and be like ‘Only lad in your inbox must be your dad’ cause that’s kinda crazy but just a few ground rules about the type of lads you know are waiting to jump the minute something goes wrong. If she loves you she’ll have no problem doing that, if she puts up a fight or refuses, I repeat, dump that motherfucker and move on because that ship is sinking anyway. You don’t need that bullshit in your life.

I will always believe in the saying ‘bitches be crazy’ because yeah..they are. You can go off on one about your girl texting other lads and you can have a head wrecking fight about how they mean ‘nothing‘ ..’we barely talk‘ ..’he doesn’t even like me‘ and all the rest of that bullshit and then next minute she can turn around and be like ‘who’s this bitch liking your picture?’ ‘Why don’t you go and text her?’ ‘I’m sure she’s much better at that’ and if you dare try say ‘she’s just a friend’ well.. you have some balls man. See, its one way for women and its another way for men. Women go on and on about how lads are such assholes and they’re all the same, well women are just as bad, and sometimes worse. You can’t win with a woman, just to get her to shut up you say sorry even when you know in your heart you are right. You could have a ground breaking argument backed up with facts and fucking figures and you will still be wrong and its important to understand that ASAP. Cherish the day she ever admits she is wrong and apologises to YOU because this is not natural for women honestly hahaha. It’s okay though because the way I think of it is, when you’re in love with her, it’s better to lose the fight than to lose her, and that makes me feel better…and also secretly knowing you were right obviously 🙂

I’m not hating on women, because god knows I love girls and men have their own flaws but some things just have to be said. For the record, just to get it out there, if a girl doesn’t act in the slightest bit jealous then I’d get very worried if I were you because its obvious she doesn’t really give a fuck about you. Jealousy means you care and I believe its a good thing for the most part. If she’s still getting jealous over who’s liking your pictures and worrying about your attention going elsewhere, then you know she still loves you, and if you are a decent man and YOU love HER you will relieve her of her worry and make sure she knows she is the only one for you. If she’s not jealous you’ve already lost her, and you know that. Same way as if you think about her texting or being with another man, and if it doesn’t feel like a knife going through your heart then you no longer love her. And of course I think the first sign that you should start to worry is when you find out they are texting someone who is ‘just a friend’. I’ve been wise to this phrase for a long time because in all of my past experience when you and your girl break up, 90% of the time BOOM she’s with this friend, it’s the same shit, different day.

In the defence of women, and clearly I’m all about equality ;).. Yes, ladies, there ARE times when the man is just a fuck up and it’s not your fault for straying and talking to someone who you think is better suited. That’s natural, I’m not telling you to stay with the ‘fuck up’ but just don’t lead them on, it’s over when you start thinking about leaving, so do it there and then and be free to talk to who you want. That way, there is a minimal amount of pain and the dude doesn’t think you’re a slut. Works both ways, end things with the girl before pursuing someone else so the girl you once loved doesn’t think you’re a player. I hate when things end badly and unfortunately it happens a lot but it doesn’t need to. In my opinion it’s all about respect, if you respect the person you love you wouldn’t be texting other people that you KNOW are probably interested in you. Don’t lie to them or yourself by saying it means “nothing”. It’s not fair to anyone. Even if you don’t love them anymore respect them enough to end it in the nicest possible way.

Now anyways, I’m not an expert and there might be some rare cases out there that are genuine friends and not looking for anything more, but boys will be boys and unless they’re gay or severely stuck in the friendzone due to being mad ugly or some other defect then you can’t really be sure. All I know is, when a girl has said to me ‘hes just a friend’ its never meant that. Likewise when I tell a girl ‘she’s just a friend’, I know we could be more than friends if I wanted it.

Next time I hear those words come out of a girl I like’s mouth she’s getting dropped like a hot potato. No time for that anymore, I’m 22 for gods sake hahah.. Loyalty and honesty are such attractive traits, and if you have a hint of crazy, then chances are, I’m probably already in love with you. Soz

Laters 🙂

Things/People You Don’t Need

Something I discovered this week is you don’t need things as much as you think you need them, same goes for people.

You might think that the only way you’re going to be happy is if you’re out there making loads of money and you never have to worry.. But the thing is once you have enough money bigger worries take over and some of the happiest people in the world have very little money. Yeah obviously it would be amazing to not worry about money but because most people are in the same boat you can kinda shift your thoughts and think that there’s more to life than money and you don’t need it to be happy, some of the richest people out there could never cure their depression. Money means nothing if you have nobody left to share it with.. Family and friends are more important than money will ever be. Your health is your wealth and nobody should ever forget that!

You might think you need a certain someone to keep going on but that’s not true. You don’t need anyone but yourself and the people that make you happy, nobody else. You can love someone who makes you very unhappy but then eventually you have to decide that if there is more pain than happiness then something has to change. Your heart doesn’t deserve to always be torn apart when it could actually be put back together by someone who does really want to make you happy. You’re never going to know unless you leave that pain where it belongs because you don’t need it, nobody does. Once you figure out that you don’t need that in your life then it’s easier to move on. If you do love someone who makes you happy but they don’t love you then they’re not making you very happy are they? Don’t wait for them to maybe fall in love with you move on and find someone who really does love you. You create your own happiness and if someone seems to enjoy taking that away from you then you leave, no matter how hard it is.

You do not need hate in your heart. You’re allowed to be angry at someone or something, furious even but you need to distance yourself from that situation and let go of the hate because all it does is hold you down like an anchor. Once u let go of that hate you will feel a weight lifted and it makes room for love which is the only thing that should be in your heart in fairness. It’s easy to hate someone, they can fuck you over, treat you horribly and make you feel so little but there is literally no point in holding onto those bad feelings, let them go and let those people go, that’s the hardest part but once you do it you will notice a big difference, no matter how much you hate something or someone just let it go, it’s over, move on and learn from it as much as you can, that is one thing you DO need to do.

You don’t need drugs to have a good time and I hate Dublin today where all the young ones and fellas are doing drugs and thinking nothing of it or even worse thinking there deadly because of it. It’s very hard to come across a decent girl nowadays who isn’t into doing drugs like coke etc I’ve used drugs in the past and one thing I do know is that they don’t help the situation your trying to avoid and you shouldn’t need them. I’ve no problem with weed it doesn’t agree with some people but I wouldn’t have a problem with it but I know you shouldn’t need weed for anything, to have a good time, to sleep etc and I’m working on giving it up. I just think this idea of all these young people thinking they need hard drugs to have a good night is just fucked up and shouldn’t be happening and I might sound like a gimp to some people but honestly ask me if I care?

You don’t need people that come in and out of your life like a fucking Yo-Yo, there is no point in that so just wipe them out. They usually come back into your life when THEY need something and all you have to do is tell them to kindly f**k off 🙂 don’t let people mess you about and act like your best pal and then never hear from them again those kind of people are leeches and not worth any of your time.

For me anyway I think I only need a couple of things to be happy with my life and that’s a healthy happy family , good friends , music , and southern fried chicken 🙂 anything else is just a fucking bonus as far as I can see, I’ve wiped out the dark clouds in my life and sure it’s looking like beautiful day 🙂 glaaaack

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt addicted to someone? As in you can’t get enough of them.. You always want to know more..any second they’re not in your life feels like a waste..it feels wrong. You need your fix of them even something so little as a text message or hearing their voice..it’s enough to keep you going.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it felt like your heart couldn’t physically take it? Literally your whole heart was consumed with feelings for this person and nothing else mattered. You never felt that way before, you didn’t even know you COULD feel that way and you dread the idea that you probably won’t again. It’s intense and exciting and it drives you crazy every single day. They make you see the world differently..they make you look at yourself differently and all you want to do is make them feel the same way. You feel like you’re the only person in the world who has felt that way and maybe you are.. Every time someone falls in love its different, because it’s for different reasons, with a different person.

One thing that is common to everyone when they fall in love though is that it’s uncontrollable. You can’t choose who you are going to love or who you fall for or how much you’re going to love them, but I certainly believe that you don’t come across people in your life accidentally, it was meant to happen for one reason or another.. Could be to teach you something.. They could be the one person you need who completely changes the game up .. The reason could be anything and it’s up to you to figure it out what it is.

Have you ever felt so happy you feel like you’re high? Nothing feels the same anymore and you actually have to check did I just smoke a doob because there’s no way I could be this happy sober haha ! Have you ever clicked with someone straight away and felt there’s not enough hours in the day to talk about all the things you want to? You never get bored even if you have ADD ha, all of your attention is on them. You’d lose sleep for that person, more seriously ..if it came down to it you’d give your life for that person. You go around smiling like an absolute numpty and not a second goes by when you don’t think of them..the feeling is amazing and scary all at once.

Have you ever known someone that makes you want to be better? At everything? A better man, woman, monkey I dunno whatever u are ha .. You want to impress them and be the person of their dreams. They encourage you and really in fairness they’re the best part of you. So fucking gay but have you ever felt like they’re missing piece? Until they came along you were never really 100% but with them you’re 150% 🙂 You could make a list of the reasons why you’re in love with them and the list grows every day .. Everything about them is beautiful and you wouldn’t change a single thing.

And then..

Have you ever felt anxiety fill up inside of you when you know the person you love is not okay? Or even worse, you don’t know that. You don’t know anything, so you’re just left to wonder and worry. You panic because you feel helpless and you don’t know what to do but they keep telling you there’s nothing you can do but you keep racking your brain for a solution. You feel like it’s your fault and you feel incredibly guilty and you can’t imagine that horrible sick feeling ever going away. Have you ever felt your heart drop to the pit of your stomach when you realise that things will never go back to the way they once were?

Have you ever listened to someone cry when you know its because you’ve just broken their heart into a million pieces? Have you ever fucked up so bad that it changed your life forever? Have you ever lost someone you loved because of your own mistakes? Or have you ever ruined the one thing that brought you more happiness than anything else in the entire world? I have.

If you answer yes to all of them questions then sorry buddy!! but you probably feel how I feel right about now. I hate the phrase you only realise what you have when it’s gone because I think you should appreciate what you have while there’s still time but some people are fucking idiots and don’t realise it, including myself. I wish I could have told myself that piece of advice a year ago but knowing me I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. Its only now when I’ve had plenty of time to cop myself on and time to think that I understand what I had and what I lost. I took advantage of someones kind and caring nature and I kept fucking up and of course eventually it took its toll. We will never be the same people we once were, were scarred, and I’m deeply sorry for every bit of pain I caused for everyone involved. If you asked me why I did it I honestly couldn’t tell you which is my answer for a lot of things I did last year..I just don’t know to be completely honest, thinking back on last year it just makes me feel like it was an absolute nightmare but now FINALLY I’ve woken up.

People fall in love in mysterious ways and maybe it’s all part of a plan, but I just kept making the same mistakes hoping that you’d understand. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 17 or 20 or 69 falling in love it can feel the same, and your heart can break just as hard too. I didn’t really have a great upbringing where love and relationships were concerned so I basically taught myself as I grew up and yeah I don’t think I taught myself very well but I’m still learning every single day. I’ve made enough mistakes to last me a lifetime and I’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life but I’m mature enough and smart enough to realise that I have to learn from them and there’s no way you’ll see me making the same mistakes again.

I have many regrets but one thing I don’t regret is falling in love with the person who made me feel the way I’ve talked about. Love is a crazy fucked up thing it hurts like hell at the best of times but other than that it’s pretty fucking deadly. It’s one of the only things that makes me feel alive. Love beats everything.. money..music .. Even.. dare i say it, chicken? If you don’t have love you don’t have anything in my books. It’s brings out the best and worst parts of you and you need that to figure out who you really are. I’m still young and I’ve a lot of life to live & I have hope in my heart that I will feel all of those things again but with a happier ending.. With who? Who knows.. We will have to wait and see what the future holds 🙂

Love is full of laughs and full of tears and I actually wouldn’t change it for the world. Why the fuck do you think so many songs are written about it ehh? Haha I don’t think anyone understands it and that’s the beauty of it, it’s up to your own interpretation.. And this is mine. So thanks for reading..and sorry for so many questions hahaha!

Anyways enough of me being an ultimate sap if any my mates read this I’m a Benny for life but all in the name of love ehhh ? Think I’ll go do manly things now like footie and grow a beard while drinking beer and shoot guns hahaha .. So I’ll catch yas later .. Best of luck !

Peaceeee X

Btw wouldn’t it be gas if this blog was about chicken or something? Hahah because I do love me some chicken.. Ah no don’t worry it’s not haha it’s about one very special lady and she knows who she is .. That’s it!! Cya 🙂
Love is just a word, but you bring it a definition.