Everyday is a school day

Wassup kids

I started this blog when I was 21 years old, a baby!! I had a lot to learn, even though I thought I had the game of life all figured out. I mean I started a blog called the key to deal with life? As if I knew something yous didn’t?! Hahaha. I haven’t written a blog in a long long time I have about 15 drafts dating back 2 or 3 years that just never seemed good enough to publish. This blog is different because it deals with something close to my heart and I think it might be the most important thing I’ve ever written. I want to share an experience I had recently that made me feel like I’ve taken a huge step forward in my life and made me feel like a real adult.

This blog is about a speech I gave in an American high school on 25th of April. The speech was about depression. I am in no way an expert on the subject I ain’t got no qualifications, I just know from personal experiences. It’s important to spread awareness to young people because as you know if it goes untreated it only gets worse in adulthood.

So this is what I told them…

Background

The reason for me coming to America is a dark one. Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. I gave myself one more chance to find happiness and I put all my faith in New York to do just that. If it didn’t, it didn’t, that was it, I was tapping out. Now, look, I’m still here…I don’t think I’m a survivor of depression in any way, I still have my struggles (believe me). Its an uphill battle everyday but over the years I’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t so here’s what I think contributes to depression and the best ways to cope with it.

Depression

Depression is hard to see because it’s easy to hide. It’s easy to fake laugh and it’s a lot easier to say I’m okay than to dive into your problem. It’s even easier to find an unhealthy coping mechanism such as alcohol or drugs.

It can affect absolutely anybody. It doesn’t matter if you are rich with a loving family, with the whole world at your feet, like Chester Bennington or Avicii, you can still collapse under the weight of it and sadly lose your battle. They felt like nothing could save them. It’s unfortunate for me to say but I know how they felt and I relate a little too closely to a lot of Linkin Parks final songs. When I was a teenager I never in a million years thought I’d have to deal with my own mental health issues. I think everyone always thinks that would never happen to me….until it does.

You could live in the beautiful city of New York with a population of 8.5 million and still feel so alone. Suicide rates are at an all time high here and across the world.

In case you didn’t know, depression feels like you are swimming against the tide and I just want you all to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, I have felt it and I still do. Sometimes I feel so dead inside that when I go to the gym and see my heart rate being monitored I snap back to reality like woah I’m really in this in bitch haha…its easy to go numb on life and just go on autopilot but that’s a signal for you to get help.

There are amazing services out there and there are people that just want to listen. Believe me you will feel better just by talking. When I was 17/18 I kept everything bottled up, I never even cried. One day I began opening up and now I can’t stop I even cry at ads on the tv hahaha. With male suicide rates increasing every year don’t be ashamed to open up or even cry. It’s a sign of strength not weakness. I still stand by that only the strongest people cry at the end of monsters inc and I don’t care what anybody says.

School

School ain’t gonna last forever kids. So enjoy it while you can if you’re one of the lucky ones that has a laugh in school. If you’re someone that hates school, again remember that it’s not gonna last forever. Don’t worry and stress too much about getting the college or job you want, you all have the ability to do great things and no lack of qualification or experience is going to stop you from doing that if you believe in yourself. You’re going to be who you’re going to be. Don’t compare yourself to everyone else, because while now it probably seems like it’s a race to be the best, the real race of life is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself!

Friends

Always look out for your friends and support them in what they choose. You will find out when you get older that your number of friends starts to decrease as everyone starts building their own lives. Choose your friends wisely, if they’re not making a positive impact on your life, drop them. Always check up on your friends. Don’t assume they’re fine without asking, you never ever know what’s going through someone’s head. Some people are very good at hiding how distraught they really are. If someone does open up to you about a problem, recognise that is very scary and vulnerable thing for them to do, so show as much compassion and patience as possible. (I don’t know what I would do without the support system I have, I probably wouldn’t be here. So shout out to you all.💛)

Relationships

I cannot stress this enough. Do not be reckless with peoples hearts. Do not put up with people who are reckless with yours. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Build your other half up and support them, be their biggest fan.. but just make sure they’re worth it. Don’t get taken for granted. Know your own worth.

Now I’m not perfect when it comes to this, I’ve lived and relived the player lifestyle and I’ve lived the good boyfriend lifestyle. One thing I know is you cannot live both lives simultaneously. I am seriously speaking from experience about this, I’ve ducked my hand in that cookie jar when I shouldn’t have and while it was all fun and games at the time real people got hurt, and in the end the only one left hurting was me. Even Drake couldn’t write this shit. Be gentle with peoples hearts, we all only have the one.

Don’t let one person define your happiness

I learnt this the hard way. Not to be cynical or anything but don’t always believe that people will be there for you no matter what. Sometimes they won’t. And sometimes that won’t be their choice. They could have promised you all your hopes and dreams in a moment and down the line they could deny ever doing that.. but that could be when you need them the most. Without freaking you out too much, I think you should just be aware that one day the person you depend on and put your life into could for some reason be gone. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it matters that they’re gone and you weren’t expecting it. This could be a boyfriend/girlfriend, family or friends. If this happens, you will be expected to carry on and live through the pain of losing that person and I believe that you can because I am. If you learn anything from me i want that to be to love yourself enough and believe you have the confidence and strength to come out the other side of it a stronger and better person.

Everything I knew, just went out the window, now I can’t depend on you, forever.

Finally, I just want to say be the kindness you want to see in the world. I know sometimes it’s difficult, a lot of things can get you down but as Kanye said “if you wanna see the true character of a person watch the way they treat someone who can’t do anything for them”. There is a lot of pain in the world in the moment, you know that as well as I do. We can all play a small part in changing that by loving ourselves and loving one another. Spend time with your family and cherish every minute spent with the people you love.

Every cloud eventually runs out of rain. What you’re experiencing is just a season, not the overall climate. So keep going.

I was on a high after giving my speech and the feedback I got was extremely positive. I can only hope that I get the opportunity to do it again for more people. This is probably the longest blog I’m ever going to write but it’s a new chapter of my life and it had to be shared. I’m taking every day as it comes but at least now I think I’ve finally found my purpose.

Kudos to you if you recognised all the song references in there 😏

Laters … 😊 X

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Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt addicted to someone? As in you can’t get enough of them.. You always want to know more..any second they’re not in your life feels like a waste..it feels wrong. You need your fix of them even something so little as a text message or hearing their voice..it’s enough to keep you going.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it felt like your heart couldn’t physically take it? Literally your whole heart was consumed with feelings for this person and nothing else mattered. You never felt that way before, you didn’t even know you COULD feel that way and you dread the idea that you probably won’t again. It’s intense and exciting and it drives you crazy every single day. They make you see the world differently..they make you look at yourself differently and all you want to do is make them feel the same way. You feel like you’re the only person in the world who has felt that way and maybe you are.. Every time someone falls in love its different, because it’s for different reasons, with a different person.

One thing that is common to everyone when they fall in love though is that it’s uncontrollable. You can’t choose who you are going to love or who you fall for or how much you’re going to love them, but I certainly believe that you don’t come across people in your life accidentally, it was meant to happen for one reason or another.. Could be to teach you something.. They could be the one person you need who completely changes the game up .. The reason could be anything and it’s up to you to figure it out what it is.

Have you ever felt so happy you feel like you’re high? Nothing feels the same anymore and you actually have to check did I just smoke a doob because there’s no way I could be this happy sober haha ! Have you ever clicked with someone straight away and felt there’s not enough hours in the day to talk about all the things you want to? You never get bored even if you have ADD ha, all of your attention is on them. You’d lose sleep for that person, more seriously ..if it came down to it you’d give your life for that person. You go around smiling like an absolute numpty and not a second goes by when you don’t think of them..the feeling is amazing and scary all at once.

Have you ever known someone that makes you want to be better? At everything? A better man, woman, monkey I dunno whatever u are ha .. You want to impress them and be the person of their dreams. They encourage you and really in fairness they’re the best part of you. So fucking gay but have you ever felt like they’re missing piece? Until they came along you were never really 100% but with them you’re 150% 🙂 You could make a list of the reasons why you’re in love with them and the list grows every day .. Everything about them is beautiful and you wouldn’t change a single thing.

And then..

Have you ever felt anxiety fill up inside of you when you know the person you love is not okay? Or even worse, you don’t know that. You don’t know anything, so you’re just left to wonder and worry. You panic because you feel helpless and you don’t know what to do but they keep telling you there’s nothing you can do but you keep racking your brain for a solution. You feel like it’s your fault and you feel incredibly guilty and you can’t imagine that horrible sick feeling ever going away. Have you ever felt your heart drop to the pit of your stomach when you realise that things will never go back to the way they once were?

Have you ever listened to someone cry when you know its because you’ve just broken their heart into a million pieces? Have you ever fucked up so bad that it changed your life forever? Have you ever lost someone you loved because of your own mistakes? Or have you ever ruined the one thing that brought you more happiness than anything else in the entire world? I have.

If you answer yes to all of them questions then sorry buddy!! but you probably feel how I feel right about now. I hate the phrase you only realise what you have when it’s gone because I think you should appreciate what you have while there’s still time but some people are fucking idiots and don’t realise it, including myself. I wish I could have told myself that piece of advice a year ago but knowing me I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. Its only now when I’ve had plenty of time to cop myself on and time to think that I understand what I had and what I lost. I took advantage of someones kind and caring nature and I kept fucking up and of course eventually it took its toll. We will never be the same people we once were, were scarred, and I’m deeply sorry for every bit of pain I caused for everyone involved. If you asked me why I did it I honestly couldn’t tell you which is my answer for a lot of things I did last year..I just don’t know to be completely honest, thinking back on last year it just makes me feel like it was an absolute nightmare but now FINALLY I’ve woken up.

People fall in love in mysterious ways and maybe it’s all part of a plan, but I just kept making the same mistakes hoping that you’d understand. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 17 or 20 or 69 falling in love it can feel the same, and your heart can break just as hard too. I didn’t really have a great upbringing where love and relationships were concerned so I basically taught myself as I grew up and yeah I don’t think I taught myself very well but I’m still learning every single day. I’ve made enough mistakes to last me a lifetime and I’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life but I’m mature enough and smart enough to realise that I have to learn from them and there’s no way you’ll see me making the same mistakes again.

I have many regrets but one thing I don’t regret is falling in love with the person who made me feel the way I’ve talked about. Love is a crazy fucked up thing it hurts like hell at the best of times but other than that it’s pretty fucking deadly. It’s one of the only things that makes me feel alive. Love beats everything.. money..music .. Even.. dare i say it, chicken? If you don’t have love you don’t have anything in my books. It’s brings out the best and worst parts of you and you need that to figure out who you really are. I’m still young and I’ve a lot of life to live & I have hope in my heart that I will feel all of those things again but with a happier ending.. With who? Who knows.. We will have to wait and see what the future holds 🙂

Love is full of laughs and full of tears and I actually wouldn’t change it for the world. Why the fuck do you think so many songs are written about it ehh? Haha I don’t think anyone understands it and that’s the beauty of it, it’s up to your own interpretation.. And this is mine. So thanks for reading..and sorry for so many questions hahaha!

Anyways enough of me being an ultimate sap if any my mates read this I’m a Benny for life but all in the name of love ehhh ? Think I’ll go do manly things now like footie and grow a beard while drinking beer and shoot guns hahaha .. So I’ll catch yas later .. Best of luck !

Peaceeee X

Btw wouldn’t it be gas if this blog was about chicken or something? Hahah because I do love me some chicken.. Ah no don’t worry it’s not haha it’s about one very special lady and she knows who she is .. That’s it!! Cya 🙂
Love is just a word, but you bring it a definition.