Insecurity in Me

I am 24 years old now and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago and let me tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.

The past 5 years of my life have been made up of serious highs and extremely low lows. Nothing in between, all that’s in between is the build up to one of these and it is fucking exhausting. I don’t want to be me or be around me anymore so how can I expect anyone else hahaha

If I could have one wish I would obviously get rid of this horrible disorder but even less than that I would give myself the confidence I feel when I am on a high and make it fucking stick. That confidence shatters way too often for my liking and now for everybody else’s too! Well I can’t blame them like it is tiring constantly building someone up that you know is going to be low again at some point, what is the actual point ? I don’t see any.

Every day of my life for about 15 years I was told I wasn’t loved, my mother told me frequently, a couple of times a week how she felt about me and even worse she demonstrated how she felt about me just in case I didn’t understand 🙂 all I have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and she can’t.. and now because of that .. no one can ? 

I have some serious insecurity issues and i over think every little thing and become paranoid and it’s hard to tell the difference between what I’ve created in my mind and reality. That causes a lot of problems for everyone, but at least everyone can leave and escape … I’m stuck with me. 

I am so so good at faking confidence it’s actually kinda funny? I put on a good act but where does that leave me. Of course I don’t want to be seen like the pathetic piece of crippling shit I am so I pretend to be the way I would LOVE to be … the way I think I’d be if I didn’t have this fucking disorder. 

I’ve genuinely given it my all 10 times over to change and be a better man and attend counselling and talk to someone when things get “bad” and if you ever read any of my other blogs you can see I’ve been through the ringer they’re a rollercoaster in themselves !!…but honestly all of that has just led me to this point and I’m over it.

I genuinely can’t take it anymore and I can’t break my own heart anymore trying to make people love me … my insecurities will always push those people away

So I will continue down this fucked up little path of being empty but I am honestly so fucking used to it I don’t really feel anything ..

Its obviously just the way my life is meant to be so I should stop being surprised when it happens haha 

I am unable to love myself, it was bet into me for years that I’m not able to be loved or I don’t deserve it and maybe I really don’t like, I feel so sorry for the people especially girls that come across me because no they don’t deserve what I put them through and I wish that they had passed by me and found a good man, that isn’t mentally ill, because it’s not fair on them and that’s perfectly true. They realise that in the end though, just a little too late for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that it doesn’t get any better, ever. It’s a lie. The life with borderline personality disorder is a life of torture. 

Goodbye