It’s in your eyes

“I can see it in your eyes”

“Your eyes tell a different story”

I’ve heard these two phrases a number of times over the bank holiday weekend just passed. I also said it to someone myself. Those words have been ringing in my head for some reason.. And I’m starting to think about why that is so let me take you through my thought process..

I guess you can tell everything from someone’s eyes. You can see happiness, sadness, pain, joy, anger, fear, loneliness…or sometimes nothing at all. My eyes betray a lot of the emotions I’m trying to hide. I think this runs through my family. My ma is a very hard woman who would rarely cry but I know she is very very sad inside.

When I was growing up we would have arguments that I knew were killing her from her eyes, I could see the strain it was causing, but on the outside she acted like she did not give one fuck. Over the weekend I saw that my nana can be like that too.. But what I saw in my nana’s eyes was genuine fear. It broke my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is that she hid that and portrayed to me that she didn’t care and “I can do what I want”. I really really hate when people don’t admit how they actually feel.. If everyone did, the world would be so much clearer for a lot of people.

More than anything else someone’s eyes are a window to their soul, I think people carry what they’ve gone through in their eyes, they tell their own story and they show the true emotion inside the person.

I’ve heard those phrases over the weekend because it was a drug-fuelled couple of days for me and I was on a bit of binge. What I remember from the weekend is complaining that the drugs weren’t hitting me and my mates saying to me your eyes are telling a different story dean.. Because they were obviously in the back of my head, which is a little scary tbh. Then I blacked out and I really only remember tiny bits of the past three days. But enough about all that shiiiit…

Personally..I think it’s amazing that two little shapes in your face can tell a lifetime of stories. There can be so much life in someone’s eyes.. Or they can seem dead and it feels like they’re looking through you. My ma has started to get that look. It’s mostly from drugs and years of going without help for anything.. She’s started to die inside and you can see that in her eyes. Hope and happiness have completely left her body. I never want that to happen to me or anyone else I know… Because to be honest I don’t know if you can ever get that light back in your eyes and that’s a tragedy to me.

I think it’s important to not hide your real emotions and feelings and I know it’s hard but half the time the other person already knows how you really feel so you might as well tell the truth. 😊

I think that’s all from me.. Look after yourselves .. And don’t let the light die.

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Laters x

To Nana

My nana is the greatest woman I’ve ever known. It’s unbelievable the amount she has done for me throughout my life. For my whole life she has acted as my ma and my dad and she doesn’t even realise it. The reason I’m writing this is it’s nearly her 73rd birthday and she’s unwell at the minute and I’ve never really told her how much she means to me and I could write it in a little card but I know she would be delighted with me putting it up on this so here it is .. The reasons my nana is better than yours hahaha ..

1. She is always there 🙂

As far back as I can remember my nana has always been a huge part of my life. The earliest memory I have of her making a huge difference was when I was about 4-5 and my ma used to go out with my brother and his dad on a Saturday and I’d be left in the gaff watching tele or whatever and they’d be gone for hours. It happened a few times until one weekend my nana and grandad came over to drop something off and saw I was there on my own all day so they decided to take me out and got me lots of stuff and vanilla ice cream. I didn’t know at the time but she decided not to tell my ma and every Saturday she would take me out and we’d go to Marley park or the zoo or just a walk and we’d always be back before anyone else got home and that carried on for a few months until my ma was single again which meant she’d be at home with my brother.

I was actually in counselling awhile ago when all of that came back to me cause I’d completely forgotten about it and I’d say my nana has too haha so thanks nana for doing that i looked forward to it every weekend. 🙂 I told my brother about that just before I wrote this and he’s going mad cause he used to hate going out with his ma and da hahah and I’d be jealous of him but there’s me actually having a better time. #FU
When I was about 10 Christmas stopped in our house cause my ma didn’t think there was any point since we knew Santa wasn’t real and stopped giving us presents but luckily my nana didn’t agree so she’d make sure me and ant got presents and she’d go out of her way to make sure we were happy and 11 years later nothings changed haha 🙂 she’s just always been there from the start looking out for me and doing way more than any nana should ..

2. She stands by you 🙂

I’m not just talking about me but she stands by everyone in my family no matter what. She’s put up with her fair share of shit but at the end of the day she’s still there. I’ve fucked up and disappointed her loads of times but somehow she still sees the good in me .. Even if there isn’t any she’ll find some!! Hahaha Obviously she gets pissed off and lectures me whenever I mess up like anybody would but she never gives up on me and I’ve broken her heart with my choices a few times but she will still always say to me after it all “you will always secretly be my favourite and I’m not going to let you down” and she tops that off with a little wink after she says that hahah my brother be snapping over that but it’s true 😉 she would stand by my brother any day of the week aswell and she’s always telling him he has a good head on his shoulders which I suppose he does even if it is slightly deformed 🙂

3. She’s Fucking Gas !

Not even messing she has me crackin up everyday of the week she has a dirtier mind than me and that’s hard!! Hahah she makes a joke out of everything and I’d say I get that from her. She acts like a young one she’d be asking all about who I’m meeting and did I get the wear haha and telling me “she’s no good” or telling me to get in there if she likes the girl haha I actually could tell her anything and not be embarrassed cause then I give her advice with her boyfriend hahaha who’s like 85 or some shit and she gets mad at him and I’m like give him a chance nana he can barely hear ya like haha I’d actually love to be like her when I’m that age she’d smoke a doobie with me no problem she says she loves having the giggles hahah she’s just so funny and she always listens to me and cheers me up it’s amazing how she still has an amazing sense of humour and sometimes we just be on the couch it’s so sad but we just tell each other shit jokes and crack up laughing were usually high which just makes it funnier hahah who the fuck smokes weed with their nana like .. She just says sure I’m old now I did it in 70s why not now hahah the fucking hippy ..

4. She never judges you

This means a lot because I know a lot of older folk judge young people on loads of things but my nana hasn’t got that mindset at all she just wants you to be happy. She wouldn’t care if I was gay or had ten kids when I was 15 she might give out a bit but she’d always support ya in the end if you were happy. She doesn’t judge anyone she’s always been a fan of my dad which has been a great help because I could tell her what the story was when there was no one else and even when he’s nothing to do with her and he didn’t treat my ma (her daughter) very well she’d always be asking after him and my little brother because she knows how much they both mean to me. I love that she always remembers what you tell her even little things that don’t even matter.

There’s so much more I could say but this is crazy long now and my nana prob fall asleep reading it hahah I just hope this puts a smile on her face and she realises what an impact she’s made on me she’s better than any other nana I know and when I move out next month I’m going to miss her so much but she’s taught me everything that I need to know from day one 🙂 and now she can actually have some sexytime with the bf without me and Anthony being round hahaha the kinky fockkk just kidding 🙂 chap would prob keel over hahaha my nana taught me all the good things I know and a lot of lessons and when I’m older I hope I pass it on to my kids .. anyways by the time she reads this on Saturday I hope she is feeling better and we be smoking a doob and sipping on Buck’s Fizz or Jameson whiskey hahah prob the last one since it is your bday 😉 laters xxxxx

Sorry if no one else cares about this but I honestly could not give a f**k hahah soz nana x