Everyday is a school day

Wassup kids

I started this blog when I was 21 years old, a baby!! I had a lot to learn, even though I thought I had the game of life all figured out. I mean I started a blog called the key to deal with life? As if I knew something yous didn’t?! Hahaha. I haven’t written a blog in a long long time I have about 15 drafts dating back 2 or 3 years that just never seemed good enough to publish. This blog is different because it deals with something close to my heart and I think it might be the most important thing I’ve ever written. I want to share an experience I had recently that made me feel like I’ve taken a huge step forward in my life and made me feel like a real adult.

This blog is about a speech I gave in an American high school on 25th of April. The speech was about depression. I am in no way an expert on the subject I ain’t got no qualifications, I just know from personal experiences. It’s important to spread awareness to young people because as you know if it goes untreated it only gets worse in adulthood.

So this is what I told them…

Background

The reason for me coming to America is a dark one. Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. I gave myself one more chance to find happiness and I put all my faith in New York to do just that. If it didn’t, it didn’t, that was it, I was tapping out. Now, look, I’m still here…I don’t think I’m a survivor of depression in any way, I still have my struggles (believe me). Its an uphill battle everyday but over the years I’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t so here’s what I think contributes to depression and the best ways to cope with it.

Depression

Depression is hard to see because it’s easy to hide. It’s easy to fake laugh and it’s a lot easier to say I’m okay than to dive into your problem. It’s even easier to find an unhealthy coping mechanism such as alcohol or drugs.

It can affect absolutely anybody. It doesn’t matter if you are rich with a loving family, with the whole world at your feet, like Chester Bennington or Avicii, you can still collapse under the weight of it and sadly lose your battle. They felt like nothing could save them. It’s unfortunate for me to say but I know how they felt and I relate a little too closely to a lot of Linkin Parks final songs. When I was a teenager I never in a million years thought I’d have to deal with my own mental health issues. I think everyone always thinks that would never happen to me….until it does.

You could live in the beautiful city of New York with a population of 8.5 million and still feel so alone. Suicide rates are at an all time high here and across the world.

In case you didn’t know, depression feels like you are swimming against the tide and I just want you all to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, I have felt it and I still do. Sometimes I feel so dead inside that when I go to the gym and see my heart rate being monitored I snap back to reality like woah I’m really in this in bitch haha…its easy to go numb on life and just go on autopilot but that’s a signal for you to get help.

There are amazing services out there and there are people that just want to listen. Believe me you will feel better just by talking. When I was 17/18 I kept everything bottled up, I never even cried. One day I began opening up and now I can’t stop I even cry at ads on the tv hahaha. With male suicide rates increasing every year don’t be ashamed to open up or even cry. It’s a sign of strength not weakness. I still stand by that only the strongest people cry at the end of monsters inc and I don’t care what anybody says.

School

School ain’t gonna last forever kids. So enjoy it while you can if you’re one of the lucky ones that has a laugh in school. If you’re someone that hates school, again remember that it’s not gonna last forever. Don’t worry and stress too much about getting the college or job you want, you all have the ability to do great things and no lack of qualification or experience is going to stop you from doing that if you believe in yourself. You’re going to be who you’re going to be. Don’t compare yourself to everyone else, because while now it probably seems like it’s a race to be the best, the real race of life is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself!

Friends

Always look out for your friends and support them in what they choose. You will find out when you get older that your number of friends starts to decrease as everyone starts building their own lives. Choose your friends wisely, if they’re not making a positive impact on your life, drop them. Always check up on your friends. Don’t assume they’re fine without asking, you never ever know what’s going through someone’s head. Some people are very good at hiding how distraught they really are. If someone does open up to you about a problem, recognise that is very scary and vulnerable thing for them to do, so show as much compassion and patience as possible. (I don’t know what I would do without the support system I have, I probably wouldn’t be here. So shout out to you all.💛)

Relationships

I cannot stress this enough. Do not be reckless with peoples hearts. Do not put up with people who are reckless with yours. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Build your other half up and support them, be their biggest fan.. but just make sure they’re worth it. Don’t get taken for granted. Know your own worth.

Now I’m not perfect when it comes to this, I’ve lived and relived the player lifestyle and I’ve lived the good boyfriend lifestyle. One thing I know is you cannot live both lives simultaneously. I am seriously speaking from experience about this, I’ve ducked my hand in that cookie jar when I shouldn’t have and while it was all fun and games at the time real people got hurt, and in the end the only one left hurting was me. Even Drake couldn’t write this shit. Be gentle with peoples hearts, we all only have the one.

Don’t let one person define your happiness

I learnt this the hard way. Not to be cynical or anything but don’t always believe that people will be there for you no matter what. Sometimes they won’t. And sometimes that won’t be their choice. They could have promised you all your hopes and dreams in a moment and down the line they could deny ever doing that.. but that could be when you need them the most. Without freaking you out too much, I think you should just be aware that one day the person you depend on and put your life into could for some reason be gone. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it matters that they’re gone and you weren’t expecting it. This could be a boyfriend/girlfriend, family or friends. If this happens, you will be expected to carry on and live through the pain of losing that person and I believe that you can because I am. If you learn anything from me i want that to be to love yourself enough and believe you have the confidence and strength to come out the other side of it a stronger and better person.

Everything I knew, just went out the window, now I can’t depend on you, forever.

Finally, I just want to say be the kindness you want to see in the world. I know sometimes it’s difficult, a lot of things can get you down but as Kanye said “if you wanna see the true character of a person watch the way they treat someone who can’t do anything for them”. There is a lot of pain in the world in the moment, you know that as well as I do. We can all play a small part in changing that by loving ourselves and loving one another. Spend time with your family and cherish every minute spent with the people you love.

Every cloud eventually runs out of rain. What you’re experiencing is just a season, not the overall climate. So keep going.

I was on a high after giving my speech and the feedback I got was extremely positive. I can only hope that I get the opportunity to do it again for more people. This is probably the longest blog I’m ever going to write but it’s a new chapter of my life and it had to be shared. I’m taking every day as it comes but at least now I think I’ve finally found my purpose.

Kudos to you if you recognised all the song references in there 😏

Laters … 😊 X

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Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever taken my friendship for granted Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever tried to hurt me and break me down Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever used personal shit I told you, in a fight against me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever gone out of your way to make me feel stupid Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever ruined my good humour because of starting a fight with me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever cheated on me Go fuck yourself x2

If you’ve ever spread a rumour about me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever told me that I wouldn’t do anything with my life Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever looked down on me and thought YOU were better than me? Then guess what? Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever manipulated me to get what you wanted Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever put me in such a bad place ..that I was thinking suicide was a good/only solution Go fuck yourself 

If you ever slagged me for being slow and “retarded” just because I was a little different to the rest of you Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever slagged mental illness and thought it was funny Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that. 

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

  
If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself. 


Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!! 
Peace ! 

Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

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