Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

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Things I Love/Hate about relationships

Okay so.. Basically I’m a relationship kinda guy..despite what some people may think. 80% of the time I prefer being a relationship than being with a load of randoms. I like things to mean something. I’m not even embarrassed to say that I like romance and I like to be romantic. I think lads should pay for stuff and pull out girls chairs and open their doors etc etc. Might be old fashioned but I enjoy it so fuck it.

Anyways, I haven’t been in a relationship for quite a while and I’m trying to figure out if it’s what I really want right now so I’ve made a list of things I Love about them and things I don’t love so much. This was originally me just trying to organise my thoughts but fuck it I’ll post it if anyone’s bored enough to read this ..

Things I Love

– Having someone there that will listen to you when you need to talk..help you with a problem or even just have a laugh. I like my girlfriend to be my best friend.
– Cuddles and Spooning.
– Very regular sex.. Nuff said
– Good morning texts.. And “other” texts that only a girlfriend would send.
– Showing her off. I’m proud of whatever is mine so Im happy showing my girl off in front of my mates. And smirking at the fellas who can’t have her because she’s mine.
– Knowing that someone loves you, cares about you, and wants to be with YOU makes it pretty hard to ever be sad.
– Having crazy deep stupid conversations that you only have with someone you’re mad comfortable with instead of bullshit small talk.
– Having someone that understands you and accepts you for who you are and still loves you is an amazing feeling.
– Date nights, holding hands, netflix and chill.. All that good shit
– Stupid inside jokes that crack yous up that no one else understands
– Not wasting time trying to pull when you’re out because you have a beautiful girl already.
– Getting drunk and high with your girl should be top of this list tbh.

Things I dislike
– I dislike how relationships either end in something very serious or they end all together. I think that’s a lot of pressure. I guess you just have to be prepared for that and make sure the girl is worth it, either way.
– Jealousy. I can be a very jealous guy.. I’m very protective and I can get angry quick enough if I think something’s going on which I need to work on because it’s either that or I don’t give a fuck at all so I need to find a middle ground.
Your girlfriend can get jealous too. Which CAN be cute sometimes but it can be an absolute nightmare aswell if she’s going psycho every time a girl looks at you or likes your pic.. Relax.. It’s not my fault I’m good looking.
– The fear that they will cheat on you. This is a constant fear of mine because I’ve been cheated on before and I’ve been fucked over loads of times so I just think people are really hard to trust. And sometimes it’s easier to just be single and not worry about that shit.
– Their family and friends have to like you. For me, this is a must because I just think it’s crazy awkward when you know her sister or friends think she shouldn’t be with you or her parents hate you etc I want an easy life and I could do without that.
– Having fights and seeing your single friends care free. I hate when I’m fighting with a girl and I see my mates and I just think fuck that it’s really not worth it.
– When you’re in a relationship all of a sudden everyone wants a piece of you. This leads to serious temptation but results in nothing but daydreams.
– When you’re single you have no one to answer to.. Which sometimes I actually like because I like being looked after but most of the time I rather do my own thing and not have someone nagging me about my life decisions.

That’s all I can think of at the moment.. I do think relationships are better than being single overall but they both definitely have their flaws.
Making this list has just made me more confused….

Oh well .. Laters guys !!

It’s in your eyes

“I can see it in your eyes”

“Your eyes tell a different story”

I’ve heard these two phrases a number of times over the bank holiday weekend just passed. I also said it to someone myself. Those words have been ringing in my head for some reason.. And I’m starting to think about why that is so let me take you through my thought process..

I guess you can tell everything from someone’s eyes. You can see happiness, sadness, pain, joy, anger, fear, loneliness…or sometimes nothing at all. My eyes betray a lot of the emotions I’m trying to hide. I think this runs through my family. My ma is a very hard woman who would rarely cry but I know she is very very sad inside.

When I was growing up we would have arguments that I knew were killing her from her eyes, I could see the strain it was causing, but on the outside she acted like she did not give one fuck. Over the weekend I saw that my nana can be like that too.. But what I saw in my nana’s eyes was genuine fear. It broke my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is that she hid that and portrayed to me that she didn’t care and “I can do what I want”. I really really hate when people don’t admit how they actually feel.. If everyone did, the world would be so much clearer for a lot of people.

More than anything else someone’s eyes are a window to their soul, I think people carry what they’ve gone through in their eyes, they tell their own story and they show the true emotion inside the person.

I’ve heard those phrases over the weekend because it was a drug-fuelled couple of days for me and I was on a bit of binge. What I remember from the weekend is complaining that the drugs weren’t hitting me and my mates saying to me your eyes are telling a different story dean.. Because they were obviously in the back of my head, which is a little scary tbh. Then I blacked out and I really only remember tiny bits of the past three days. But enough about all that shiiiit…

Personally..I think it’s amazing that two little shapes in your face can tell a lifetime of stories. There can be so much life in someone’s eyes.. Or they can seem dead and it feels like they’re looking through you. My ma has started to get that look. It’s mostly from drugs and years of going without help for anything.. She’s started to die inside and you can see that in her eyes. Hope and happiness have completely left her body. I never want that to happen to me or anyone else I know… Because to be honest I don’t know if you can ever get that light back in your eyes and that’s a tragedy to me.

I think it’s important to not hide your real emotions and feelings and I know it’s hard but half the time the other person already knows how you really feel so you might as well tell the truth. 😊

I think that’s all from me.. Look after yourselves .. And don’t let the light die.

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Laters x

Alone

Alone..what a lovely word eh? That word can have so many meanings. You could take it literally which means you’re literally by yourself, which isn’t the worst meaning in my opinion. I think the worst meaning is when you feel it, in your own mind and your own heart, whether you’re on your own or not.

The thing is, once you feel alone, you start feeling quite helpless. How do I stop it? Why do I feel this way? I’m not on my own so how come I feel so isolated? It’s very strange and very sad. I could be surrounded by all my friends and still feel alone. I feel as though they don’t have a clue what goes on inside my head or how I really feel and I know they never will, only I will know that. I don’t think there’s any point in trying to explain whats going on in my noggin because I couldn’t put it into words anyway and nobody would want to know. It’s easier to just speak generally and not go too deep into things. It’s so weird because anyone that knows me would never think I feel the way I do or that I think about things so much. I guess its probably better that way, the less they know the better really.

I’d get some slagging’s if I ever told the lads I felt ‘alone’ haha. I’d be swiftly told to man up because obviously it is a weird thing to feel when you’re around people that are meant to make you feel comfortable.

90% of the time I don’t feel alone and I am comfortable and it’s nothing to do with the people around me it’s just down to me. Something triggers it and I suddenly snap into a little depression episode where I over think everything and I worry that I’ll even end up alone because of the way I am and no one is ever gonna really understand me and I can’t imagine someone even bothering to try understand me because my mind is fucked and it’s pretty much unfixable. So on those days I feel like it’s just best to distance myself from everyone and stay inside my own head. It drives me crazy yeah but is it not better to do that than to drive someone else crazy?

Another part I hate is you start feeling really guilty..There are so many people out there with really hard lives that have nobody, no friends or family and here I am whinging cause I feel alone. I wish it wasn’t that way and I’d snap out of it if I could and eventually I do but sometimes it is just too draining putting on the same happy goofy face all the time and acting like everything’s hunky dory when actually deep down I’m really really sad.

I’ve felt so many emotions in the last few months and I think I just overloaded and now I just feel numb. I’m sad and I’m tired of life and the things it throws at me, everyone thinks I’m really strong but does a strong man feel like this? No.

These kind of days come and go like waves, I believe you have to be sad to experience happiness and you have to be happy to know what sadness feels like, but sometimes for me it feels like it’s on an unequal scale and God gives me the smallest dose of happiness to then sink me with sadness. I don’t know if that will ever change (hopefully it will) but I’ll have to keep my chin up as much as I can and try fill the emptiness somehow.

I will always make the most of the bit of happiness that I do get and as I just said to my friend Keri, I’d give my life to be happy and maybe in 2015 things will change and the scale might be tipped towards good things, and this overwhelming feeling will be nothing but a memory and I will find the cure to feeling alone 🙂 Bit optimistic but sure its a start haha,

Cya