Insecurity in Me

I am 24 years old now and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago and let me tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.

The past 5 years of my life have been made up of serious highs and extremely low lows. Nothing in between, all that’s in between is the build up to one of these and it is fucking exhausting. I don’t want to be me or be around me anymore so how can I expect anyone else hahaha

If I could have one wish I would obviously get rid of this horrible disorder but even less than that I would give myself the confidence I feel when I am on a high and make it fucking stick. That confidence shatters way too often for my liking and now for everybody else’s too! Well I can’t blame them like it is tiring constantly building someone up that you know is going to be low again at some point, what is the actual point ? I don’t see any.

Every day of my life for about 15 years I was told I wasn’t loved, my mother told me frequently, a couple of times a week how she felt about me and even worse she demonstrated how she felt about me just in case I didn’t understand 🙂 all I have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and she can’t.. and now because of that .. no one can ? 

I have some serious insecurity issues and i over think every little thing and become paranoid and it’s hard to tell the difference between what I’ve created in my mind and reality. That causes a lot of problems for everyone, but at least everyone can leave and escape … I’m stuck with me. 

I am so so good at faking confidence it’s actually kinda funny? I put on a good act but where does that leave me. Of course I don’t want to be seen like the pathetic piece of crippling shit I am so I pretend to be the way I would LOVE to be … the way I think I’d be if I didn’t have this fucking disorder. 

I’ve genuinely given it my all 10 times over to change and be a better man and attend counselling and talk to someone when things get “bad” and if you ever read any of my other blogs you can see I’ve been through the ringer they’re a rollercoaster in themselves !!…but honestly all of that has just led me to this point and I’m over it.

I genuinely can’t take it anymore and I can’t break my own heart anymore trying to make people love me … my insecurities will always push those people away

So I will continue down this fucked up little path of being empty but I am honestly so fucking used to it I don’t really feel anything ..

Its obviously just the way my life is meant to be so I should stop being surprised when it happens haha 

I am unable to love myself, it was bet into me for years that I’m not able to be loved or I don’t deserve it and maybe I really don’t like, I feel so sorry for the people especially girls that come across me because no they don’t deserve what I put them through and I wish that they had passed by me and found a good man, that isn’t mentally ill, because it’s not fair on them and that’s perfectly true. They realise that in the end though, just a little too late for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that it doesn’t get any better, ever. It’s a lie. The life with borderline personality disorder is a life of torture. 

Goodbye

25th Feb 2017

I have a drug fuelled mind 

Focused on the next hit 

The next quick fucking fix 

Shattered and broken 

There are no words that can be spoken 

Rose tinted glasses don’t see the dark in me

Love makes you blind don’t question me

Chemical imbalance causing depression 

Come down off drugs causing aggression

Not the next best thing but the worst thing possible 

Becoming what you hate 

Ruining the perfect date because I’m way too late 

On realising what I’ve done and what I’ve become 

Trying to save grace, save face 

Unpredictable..uncontrollable..unlovable 

Unsolvable problems so you say fuck them

Strung out on compliments ignore the bullshit confidence 

Taking everything to heart is not the way to start 

Being a better guy 

If I could be that guy instead of me I’d never let you down 

Too tired to sleep 

Too weak to eat 

One light in all of my shadows, Jodie 

Making sacrifices to stop you hate-in me

Angels and demons 

When I see men, that are good

I don’t associate, I don’t relate 

I’m filled with hate

Constant drowning in a pool of my own tears 

My own fears 

Torturous emotional rollercoaster 

Always trying to shit-stir

Everyday I make mistakes 

Risking everything at stake

No ones fault by own 

Have to be alone 

Hole in my heart 

Today marks the start. 

I’m 24 today, and I’ve decided not to celebrate that fact because I don’t deserve to. The only significance this day has to me is that it marks the day I’m going to be a better man. I’m not superficial, I’m not materialistic I just want to be a good person. 

Stronger and Safer in my own mind.

I’m sorry

Dean 

Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever taken my friendship for granted Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever tried to hurt me and break me down Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever used personal shit I told you, in a fight against me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever gone out of your way to make me feel stupid Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever ruined my good humour because of starting a fight with me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever cheated on me Go fuck yourself x2

If you’ve ever spread a rumour about me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever told me that I wouldn’t do anything with my life Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever looked down on me and thought YOU were better than me? Then guess what? Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever manipulated me to get what you wanted Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever put me in such a bad place ..that I was thinking suicide was a good/only solution Go fuck yourself 

If you ever slagged me for being slow and “retarded” just because I was a little different to the rest of you Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever slagged mental illness and thought it was funny Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that. 

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

  
If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself. 


Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!! 
Peace !