Leech on Society

“Dean, young lads like you don’t amount to anything, they sponge off the government and are nothing but leeches on society”.

Nice, encouraging words eh?

This was said to me after class when I was 16 years old by my English teacher.

She was an absolute bitch of a woman and about 100 years past retirement age, she smelt like cats and she had a bark on her that could make my balls jump back inside my body. She was a decrepit hag who thought she knew it all and she absolutely hated me. I will say one thing though… She had a point.

I was terrible at English, I could talk for Ireland but when it came to writing it went really downhill. I’m dyslexic and I was pretty bad at stringing sentences together. I hated poems and the old English stuff so I didn’t try. I didn’t do my homework because she always said it wasn’t good enough anyway so I just dossed and wasted my time. She kicked me out or gave me detention most days and then she completely gave up on me. I don’t blame her. At the time when she said those words to me they completely flew over my head, being honest, I didn’t give a fuck. I was 16, arrogant and immature. All I cared about was girls, football, and the lads. School was never ever a priority to me.

But that was nearly 7 years ago.. And out of all the things a teacher has said to me that has definitely struck something in me. At this point in time, I could see where she was coming from, she was taking a stereotypical approach because I came from a broken family and because I did badly in school she assumed I would end up on the dole for life/ a junkie / alcoholic etc with no positive future. That could have easily been the way. There’s been plenty of times where I have acted like a waster but that’s not who I am and there’s much more to my life and my future than that.

I’ve worked full time since I was 18 years old. When I’m at work I work hard. It motivates me because I’m earning money and I’m creating something new. I worked in carpentry and now this year I’ve started working in construction. This year is pushing me to my limits and I’m working harder than I ever have. I work 50-60 hours a week most weeks, which is tough but it’s exactly what I need. Hard work pays off.. And doing something that I love has certainly helped me see that. I want to travel the world and have nice things and do my ADULT life right since I made more than enough mistakes as a teenager. I want to have enough money so that money is never a worry. I have goals for my future and I am working extremely hard in every aspect of my life to achieve them. Not bad for a “leech on society” aye?

Encouragement and support from certain people has helped me enormously along the way. If people tell you something enough times you start to believe it. Don’t put down people’s dreams or abilities, encourage them to go after them.. Encourage them that they have the power to do whatever they want.
If someone told me I was good enough in school I would have tried harder, but I was a ‘bad student’ so therefore that could never change. Don’t encourage the bad cycle.

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Don’t get me wrong, it’s not all work and blood sweat and tears, I do dibble dabble in the good stuff at the weekend and wot not.. So maybe you don’t completely change hahah 😉
But that’s okay because everyone is unique and everyone has a worthwhile life that they can do anything they want with. I just think it’s sad that people on the dole will never know the satisfaction you get from working hard to earn YOUR own money, it’s priceless.

I want to make something of myself and I never ever want to prove my English teacher right.

Never let someone tell you what you can and can’t do with your life.. And don’t let anyone tell you that you will never amount to anything or you’re not good enough because fuck them. They obviously don’t know you so show them how much they don’t know. Everyone has the ability to do great things.

So fuck my English teacher.. I’d love her to read this, because I didn’t grow up to be the mongo that she thought. I might still be a dope and not very good at analysing fucking Shakespeare but who gives a flying fuck about that when I have a good job, I’m making good money, and my English has seriously improved because of THIS blog? I love writing now, and reading ain’t bad either.
Hahah she’d die if she knew that.

So basically, don’t let one persons opinion define who you are. Your past, your parents past etc does NOT define YOUR future. The person you are at 16 is a million times different to the person you are at 22. People change and it can always be for the better. Remember that.

Leech on society my holeeeeeeeee

Laters xx

Deadline

In this world, to get by, you’d want to have a metaphorical shield made of steel so that you could face anything life throws at you and it doesn’t dent your armor. Unfortunately I feel as though my shield is made of marshmallows and life has dented me quite a bit. There is very little of my shield left to be honest, and if things stay the way they are, I’ll lose the battle.

I find it extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do in life. I make millions of plans and try stick to them, but it makes very little difference. Somehow, things always go off course. So I start thinking whats the point? I mean it must be me that’s the problem since everybody else seems to be doing just fine and I’m the one who’s left feeling like this all the time?

The last few nights I haven’t slept a wink, my minds been racing and I’ve watched loads of documentaries on BPD which have made me so angry. Most of them are for people that unfortunately know us and it’s telling them how to “deal” with us. Then it goes on to describe us, how we go after weaker people and manipulate them until they are stuck in this horrendous relationship. The worst part about those documentaries and what angers me is that it’s mostly true, and I hate myself for it. It’s not like I planned it this way or I do it on purpose its just part of my nature because I have this disorder. If I hate myself this much for just being this way its no wonder many others hate me too.  The saddest part of the documentaries is when it basically says there is no cure. Sure, things usually get better with counselling etc but the disorder never really goes away. I feel like I was cheated out of life..I know if this disorder wasn’t a piece of my brain I would be flying. I used to be such an easy-going guy who was literally always laughing. I never stressed over anything, I had loads of mates and girls on the go and my life was just about having fun. Yeah I had problems, but I had the confidence and the mindset that allowed me to deal with those. Sixteen just held such better days. Nowadays its not the same. I fake smiles and laughs and I force myself to be that guy again and I force myself to do the things I used to love but I just can’t anymore. It’s worn me down.

So I’ve given myself a deadline, 18 days. May 18th. I’m going to try my hardest to give it one last shot and fix this. I will do everything I can and everything that is suggested to me to get back to being the lad I once was. If it works I won’t need a shield at all, I’d have the power to take on the world all on my own. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe anymore, I want to get excited for things and have joy in my heart and feel alive. I don’t want to be afraid of love I want to find it and treasure it forever. It sounds like I need a miracle but I owe myself one last try. If it doesn’t work and things haven’t taken a turn for the better by the 18th then my shield will be well and truly destroyed.

Laters….