Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever taken my friendship for granted Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever tried to hurt me and break me down Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever used personal shit I told you, in a fight against me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever gone out of your way to make me feel stupid Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever ruined my good humour because of starting a fight with me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever cheated on me Go fuck yourself x2

If you’ve ever spread a rumour about me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever told me that I wouldn’t do anything with my life Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever looked down on me and thought YOU were better than me? Then guess what? Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever manipulated me to get what you wanted Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever put me in such a bad place ..that I was thinking suicide was a good/only solution Go fuck yourself 

If you ever slagged me for being slow and “retarded” just because I was a little different to the rest of you Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever slagged mental illness and thought it was funny Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that. 

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

  
If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself. 


Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!! 
Peace ! 

Peace

Well May 17th is coming to an end which means my deadline is here and my journey of 18 days is over. I’ve made my decision and my plans for tomorrow and I’m happy with it. My mind is clear as crystal and all of the stress that’s built up on me the last while has been lifted off my shoulders.

The past 18 days have been extremely eventful and I’m glad that I was super busy and did the things I always wanted to do. I’ve gotten a lot of advice and inspiration from a load of people the past few weeks including my best mates and my family and I can’t explain enough how much every word meant to me. Kindness is never forgotten and I will never forget how much you all did for me.

My mood and thoughts certainly changed numerous times over the last few weeks. Right now though I feel as though I am in a better place than I was on the 1st of May. I have peace of mind for just about everything in my life.

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I started blogging nearly a year ago and from reading my past blogs I can see how much I’ve changed myself and how much I’ve stayed the same. With regard to love, well I think that was a game I was always going to lose. It’s the most amazing and dangerous thing in the whole world, and I’m sure the feeling is indescribable when you find the right person but unfortunately that hasn’t happened. With family, I love them like nothing else on this planet and the only girl that has a lasting place in my heart is my nana. My dad is my hero and he is the bravest and strongest man I know. My little bro is going to be a better man than I’ll ever be. I love both of my brothers, equally. My music has been my best friend since the beginning of my life it’s been there at the best of times and the worst of times and it’s definitely pulled me through some painful situations.

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I still stand by everything I said in each blog and I’m proud of myself for being able to finally express myself in a way I actually found easy after not being able to do it for so many years. I’m so glad I started blogging because it’s a great outlet to get your thoughts off your chest when there’s no one else to turn to and even better when people relate.

This will be my last ‘thought’ for a while. I’m going away and I won’t be blogging, thanks for reading this and if you read my other ones thank you again. Hopefully some helped or made you laugh or even made you feel like you weren’t alone because you felt the same as me, if any of those things happened I’d be seriously delighted.

Better stop rambling, Happy May 18th everyone. Have a fantastic summer and be safe and be happy 😊

PEACE xxx

New Direction

The title of this blog is an absolute piss take because as you all know good ole Zayn has left One Direction and I’m sorta/kinda in a band, which is a brand new thing for me so I thought the title was a good fit hahaha

Anyways, I’m not sure if we can be called a band yet and my 14 year old knacker/spicer self would absolutely rip it out of me for even thinking of being in a band, but how and ever it might be on the cards for me. 14 year old Dean was an idiot anyway and I like to think I’ve grown a few more brain cells since my mullet styling and diamond earring wearing days (please god).

This all came about when I was watching the film Whiplash during the week and I got serious cravings to get back playing the drums. I used to play now and again when I was 18,19 and sort of let it die, I never lost interest I just focused on other things like drink drugs and girls (good one Dean). Now that I’m staying away from all of those things I think its a good time to get back playing. So I rang an old mate up who was shocked enough to hear from me but nevertheless wanted to catch up which was happy days. This chap is a massive music head and he plays a bit of every instrument but he’s mainly all about the guitar. He has a drum kit set up in his gaff so he gave me a shot of that and to be honest I was fairly rusty. I’ve been practicing during the week though and the rhythm is slowly coming back to me 🙂 It’s a great laugh and its good to take my mind off things. Jamie (the music head) has a few mates that are the same as him and he jams with them all the time so who knows a band could form haha definitely won’t be called new direction though, but it is a new direction for me at least. Obviously were not taking it seriously like half of us have full time jobs its just good craic and they’re a great group of lads that I haven’t talked to in ages so its nice catching up on the last few years.

So that’s it, my life has definitely changed in the last while, I’ve stayed off the drink & drugs despite there being two of my mates birthdays this week, I’ve gone to the gym and a few walks and even done some reading. I much prefer writing to reading but I’ll try my best to keep it up, I’ve gone to all of my counselling sessions and most importantly.. I’m happy 🙂 My head is healthy and clear and at the moment I’m just having a good laugh with a new mix of people. So maybe my 14 year old self wouldn’t be too embarrassed of me after all …

Laters !! 🙂

Just a Friend

There’s four words I hate to hear from a girl and no surprisingly enough its not “Is it in yet?” no, the four words I hate are “He’s just a friend”. Yeah fucking right. Nine times out of ten that is not the case. Yeah for some girls they do have guys in their life that are unfortunately (for them) stuck in the friend zone and you know they will never climb out so you’re not worried about those guys, you’re worried about the ones that are just like you. Guys know guys, and we know the way we think. I mean, if I was texting a girl and she had a lad already I’d feel sorry him. Clearly your girls not loyal if shes in my inbox and no.. I’m not looking to be her ‘friend’. So he should be worried, because as soon as he screws up shes going to be all over me, for revenge, to make him jealous, to get over him.. who the fuck cares?!

I’m still getting laid.

That’s all well and good when you’re on that side of the story but when YOU have a girl that you love and she’s texting lads that she claims are ‘just friends’ you dump that motherfucker. Before you get hurt. You know what will happen, you’ll have a fight, she’ll cry on their shoulder and boom you lost her to this “so called mate”. Problem is, she shouldn’t be doing that in the first place. If shes loyal to you she won’t text anybody she knows you don’t like, and you’ll do the same for her. You don’t have to be possessive about it though and be like ‘Only lad in your inbox must be your dad’ cause that’s kinda crazy but just a few ground rules about the type of lads you know are waiting to jump the minute something goes wrong. If she loves you she’ll have no problem doing that, if she puts up a fight or refuses, I repeat, dump that motherfucker and move on because that ship is sinking anyway. You don’t need that bullshit in your life.

I will always believe in the saying ‘bitches be crazy’ because yeah..they are. You can go off on one about your girl texting other lads and you can have a head wrecking fight about how they mean ‘nothing‘ ..’we barely talk‘ ..’he doesn’t even like me‘ and all the rest of that bullshit and then next minute she can turn around and be like ‘who’s this bitch liking your picture?’ ‘Why don’t you go and text her?’ ‘I’m sure she’s much better at that’ and if you dare try say ‘she’s just a friend’ well.. you have some balls man. See, its one way for women and its another way for men. Women go on and on about how lads are such assholes and they’re all the same, well women are just as bad, and sometimes worse. You can’t win with a woman, just to get her to shut up you say sorry even when you know in your heart you are right. You could have a ground breaking argument backed up with facts and fucking figures and you will still be wrong and its important to understand that ASAP. Cherish the day she ever admits she is wrong and apologises to YOU because this is not natural for women honestly hahaha. It’s okay though because the way I think of it is, when you’re in love with her, it’s better to lose the fight than to lose her, and that makes me feel better…and also secretly knowing you were right obviously 🙂

I’m not hating on women, because god knows I love girls and men have their own flaws but some things just have to be said. For the record, just to get it out there, if a girl doesn’t act in the slightest bit jealous then I’d get very worried if I were you because its obvious she doesn’t really give a fuck about you. Jealousy means you care and I believe its a good thing for the most part. If she’s still getting jealous over who’s liking your pictures and worrying about your attention going elsewhere, then you know she still loves you, and if you are a decent man and YOU love HER you will relieve her of her worry and make sure she knows she is the only one for you. If she’s not jealous you’ve already lost her, and you know that. Same way as if you think about her texting or being with another man, and if it doesn’t feel like a knife going through your heart then you no longer love her. And of course I think the first sign that you should start to worry is when you find out they are texting someone who is ‘just a friend’. I’ve been wise to this phrase for a long time because in all of my past experience when you and your girl break up, 90% of the time BOOM she’s with this friend, it’s the same shit, different day.

In the defence of women, and clearly I’m all about equality ;).. Yes, ladies, there ARE times when the man is just a fuck up and it’s not your fault for straying and talking to someone who you think is better suited. That’s natural, I’m not telling you to stay with the ‘fuck up’ but just don’t lead them on, it’s over when you start thinking about leaving, so do it there and then and be free to talk to who you want. That way, there is a minimal amount of pain and the dude doesn’t think you’re a slut. Works both ways, end things with the girl before pursuing someone else so the girl you once loved doesn’t think you’re a player. I hate when things end badly and unfortunately it happens a lot but it doesn’t need to. In my opinion it’s all about respect, if you respect the person you love you wouldn’t be texting other people that you KNOW are probably interested in you. Don’t lie to them or yourself by saying it means “nothing”. It’s not fair to anyone. Even if you don’t love them anymore respect them enough to end it in the nicest possible way.

Now anyways, I’m not an expert and there might be some rare cases out there that are genuine friends and not looking for anything more, but boys will be boys and unless they’re gay or severely stuck in the friendzone due to being mad ugly or some other defect then you can’t really be sure. All I know is, when a girl has said to me ‘hes just a friend’ its never meant that. Likewise when I tell a girl ‘she’s just a friend’, I know we could be more than friends if I wanted it.

Next time I hear those words come out of a girl I like’s mouth she’s getting dropped like a hot potato. No time for that anymore, I’m 22 for gods sake hahah.. Loyalty and honesty are such attractive traits, and if you have a hint of crazy, then chances are, I’m probably already in love with you. Soz

Laters 🙂

Last Blog

This will be my last blog post, as it just hasn’t worked out for me unfortunately. Blogging was great fun to do and a great way of getting my feelings out since I have trouble actually saying it. I had goals and dreams for this year but now I’ve only one goal, to make others happy 🙂 I’m taking a break from life but I hope you liked some of my posts and thanks for reading them whoever you are, it’s much appreciated. Goodbye x

Things that make me happy :)

1. Southern fried chicken
2. Popcorn
3. Other foods (bacon, potato etc)
4. Tea (can never have enough)
5. Waking up to a beautiful sunny day.
6. SLEEPING
7. Lie ins and waking up without a hangover.
8. Cuddling someone.
9. Bear Hugs.
10. When someone remembers something about you that you thought didn’t matter.
11. When you’re holding hands with someone and they squeeze it.
12. Blaring my favourite tunes on walks or when I’m home alone.
13. Dancing and Singing in the shower.
14. Conversations that require no effort to be interesting, they just are.
15. When someone says they are proud of me.
16. My little brothers laugh and smile. The way he checks out every girl he sees and he’s only one hahaha.
17. Swapping LAD stories with my dad, my cousins, my brother and the lads of course.
18. Lad nights out and lazy days.
19. When a girl wears my boxers.
20. Making someone smile.
21. Finding new music to become obsessed with and when someone has the same music taste as you.
22. Concerts & Festivals.
23. When my hair and beard look good.. Hahaha
24. Making someone laugh.
25. Laughing about the antics of back in the day with my mates.
26. Baby animals, monkeys, hippos, puppies, turtles, anything really!
27. When someone says “this reminded me of you” or “I thought of you when..”
28. Conversations that don’t end, they just pick up the next morning.
29. Getting paid €€€
30. Writing blogs 😉

There’s 30 things that make me happy some a little more serious than others but each one certainly does make me smile!

Alone

Alone..what a lovely word eh? That word can have so many meanings. You could take it literally which means you’re literally by yourself, which isn’t the worst meaning in my opinion. I think the worst meaning is when you feel it, in your own mind and your own heart, whether you’re on your own or not.

The thing is, once you feel alone, you start feeling quite helpless. How do I stop it? Why do I feel this way? I’m not on my own so how come I feel so isolated? It’s very strange and very sad. I could be surrounded by all my friends and still feel alone. I feel as though they don’t have a clue what goes on inside my head or how I really feel and I know they never will, only I will know that. I don’t think there’s any point in trying to explain whats going on in my noggin because I couldn’t put it into words anyway and nobody would want to know. It’s easier to just speak generally and not go too deep into things. It’s so weird because anyone that knows me would never think I feel the way I do or that I think about things so much. I guess its probably better that way, the less they know the better really.

I’d get some slagging’s if I ever told the lads I felt ‘alone’ haha. I’d be swiftly told to man up because obviously it is a weird thing to feel when you’re around people that are meant to make you feel comfortable.

90% of the time I don’t feel alone and I am comfortable and it’s nothing to do with the people around me it’s just down to me. Something triggers it and I suddenly snap into a little depression episode where I over think everything and I worry that I’ll even end up alone because of the way I am and no one is ever gonna really understand me and I can’t imagine someone even bothering to try understand me because my mind is fucked and it’s pretty much unfixable. So on those days I feel like it’s just best to distance myself from everyone and stay inside my own head. It drives me crazy yeah but is it not better to do that than to drive someone else crazy?

Another part I hate is you start feeling really guilty..There are so many people out there with really hard lives that have nobody, no friends or family and here I am whinging cause I feel alone. I wish it wasn’t that way and I’d snap out of it if I could and eventually I do but sometimes it is just too draining putting on the same happy goofy face all the time and acting like everything’s hunky dory when actually deep down I’m really really sad.

I’ve felt so many emotions in the last few months and I think I just overloaded and now I just feel numb. I’m sad and I’m tired of life and the things it throws at me, everyone thinks I’m really strong but does a strong man feel like this? No.

These kind of days come and go like waves, I believe you have to be sad to experience happiness and you have to be happy to know what sadness feels like, but sometimes for me it feels like it’s on an unequal scale and God gives me the smallest dose of happiness to then sink me with sadness. I don’t know if that will ever change (hopefully it will) but I’ll have to keep my chin up as much as I can and try fill the emptiness somehow.

I will always make the most of the bit of happiness that I do get and as I just said to my friend Keri, I’d give my life to be happy and maybe in 2015 things will change and the scale might be tipped towards good things, and this overwhelming feeling will be nothing but a memory and I will find the cure to feeling alone 🙂 Bit optimistic but sure its a start haha,

Cya

Things/People You Don’t Need

Something I discovered this week is you don’t need things as much as you think you need them, same goes for people.

You might think that the only way you’re going to be happy is if you’re out there making loads of money and you never have to worry.. But the thing is once you have enough money bigger worries take over and some of the happiest people in the world have very little money. Yeah obviously it would be amazing to not worry about money but because most people are in the same boat you can kinda shift your thoughts and think that there’s more to life than money and you don’t need it to be happy, some of the richest people out there could never cure their depression. Money means nothing if you have nobody left to share it with.. Family and friends are more important than money will ever be. Your health is your wealth and nobody should ever forget that!

You might think you need a certain someone to keep going on but that’s not true. You don’t need anyone but yourself and the people that make you happy, nobody else. You can love someone who makes you very unhappy but then eventually you have to decide that if there is more pain than happiness then something has to change. Your heart doesn’t deserve to always be torn apart when it could actually be put back together by someone who does really want to make you happy. You’re never going to know unless you leave that pain where it belongs because you don’t need it, nobody does. Once you figure out that you don’t need that in your life then it’s easier to move on. If you do love someone who makes you happy but they don’t love you then they’re not making you very happy are they? Don’t wait for them to maybe fall in love with you move on and find someone who really does love you. You create your own happiness and if someone seems to enjoy taking that away from you then you leave, no matter how hard it is.

You do not need hate in your heart. You’re allowed to be angry at someone or something, furious even but you need to distance yourself from that situation and let go of the hate because all it does is hold you down like an anchor. Once u let go of that hate you will feel a weight lifted and it makes room for love which is the only thing that should be in your heart in fairness. It’s easy to hate someone, they can fuck you over, treat you horribly and make you feel so little but there is literally no point in holding onto those bad feelings, let them go and let those people go, that’s the hardest part but once you do it you will notice a big difference, no matter how much you hate something or someone just let it go, it’s over, move on and learn from it as much as you can, that is one thing you DO need to do.

You don’t need drugs to have a good time and I hate Dublin today where all the young ones and fellas are doing drugs and thinking nothing of it or even worse thinking there deadly because of it. It’s very hard to come across a decent girl nowadays who isn’t into doing drugs like coke etc I’ve used drugs in the past and one thing I do know is that they don’t help the situation your trying to avoid and you shouldn’t need them. I’ve no problem with weed it doesn’t agree with some people but I wouldn’t have a problem with it but I know you shouldn’t need weed for anything, to have a good time, to sleep etc and I’m working on giving it up. I just think this idea of all these young people thinking they need hard drugs to have a good night is just fucked up and shouldn’t be happening and I might sound like a gimp to some people but honestly ask me if I care?

You don’t need people that come in and out of your life like a fucking Yo-Yo, there is no point in that so just wipe them out. They usually come back into your life when THEY need something and all you have to do is tell them to kindly f**k off 🙂 don’t let people mess you about and act like your best pal and then never hear from them again those kind of people are leeches and not worth any of your time.

For me anyway I think I only need a couple of things to be happy with my life and that’s a healthy happy family , good friends , music , and southern fried chicken 🙂 anything else is just a fucking bonus as far as I can see, I’ve wiped out the dark clouds in my life and sure it’s looking like beautiful day 🙂 glaaaack