Insecurity in Me

I am 24 years old now and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago and let me tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.

The past 5 years of my life have been made up of serious highs and extremely low lows. Nothing in between, all that’s in between is the build up to one of these and it is fucking exhausting. I don’t want to be me or be around me anymore so how can I expect anyone else hahaha

If I could have one wish I would obviously get rid of this horrible disorder but even less than that I would give myself the confidence I feel when I am on a high and make it fucking stick. That confidence shatters way too often for my liking and now for everybody else’s too! Well I can’t blame them like it is tiring constantly building someone up that you know is going to be low again at some point, what is the actual point ? I don’t see any.

Every day of my life for about 15 years I was told I wasn’t loved, my mother told me frequently, a couple of times a week how she felt about me and even worse she demonstrated how she felt about me just in case I didn’t understand 🙂 all I have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and she can’t.. and now because of that .. no one can ? 

I have some serious insecurity issues and i over think every little thing and become paranoid and it’s hard to tell the difference between what I’ve created in my mind and reality. That causes a lot of problems for everyone, but at least everyone can leave and escape … I’m stuck with me. 

I am so so good at faking confidence it’s actually kinda funny? I put on a good act but where does that leave me. Of course I don’t want to be seen like the pathetic piece of crippling shit I am so I pretend to be the way I would LOVE to be … the way I think I’d be if I didn’t have this fucking disorder. 

I’ve genuinely given it my all 10 times over to change and be a better man and attend counselling and talk to someone when things get “bad” and if you ever read any of my other blogs you can see I’ve been through the ringer they’re a rollercoaster in themselves !!…but honestly all of that has just led me to this point and I’m over it.

I genuinely can’t take it anymore and I can’t break my own heart anymore trying to make people love me … my insecurities will always push those people away

So I will continue down this fucked up little path of being empty but I am honestly so fucking used to it I don’t really feel anything ..

Its obviously just the way my life is meant to be so I should stop being surprised when it happens haha 

I am unable to love myself, it was bet into me for years that I’m not able to be loved or I don’t deserve it and maybe I really don’t like, I feel so sorry for the people especially girls that come across me because no they don’t deserve what I put them through and I wish that they had passed by me and found a good man, that isn’t mentally ill, because it’s not fair on them and that’s perfectly true. They realise that in the end though, just a little too late for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that it doesn’t get any better, ever. It’s a lie. The life with borderline personality disorder is a life of torture. 

Goodbye

25th Feb 2017

I have a drug fuelled mind 

Focused on the next hit 

The next quick fucking fix 

Shattered and broken 

There are no words that can be spoken 

Rose tinted glasses don’t see the dark in me

Love makes you blind don’t question me

Chemical imbalance causing depression 

Come down off drugs causing aggression

Not the next best thing but the worst thing possible 

Becoming what you hate 

Ruining the perfect date because I’m way too late 

On realising what I’ve done and what I’ve become 

Trying to save grace, save face 

Unpredictable..uncontrollable..unlovable 

Unsolvable problems so you say fuck them

Strung out on compliments ignore the bullshit confidence 

Taking everything to heart is not the way to start 

Being a better guy 

If I could be that guy instead of me I’d never let you down 

Too tired to sleep 

Too weak to eat 

One light in all of my shadows, Jodie 

Making sacrifices to stop you hate-in me

Angels and demons 

When I see men, that are good

I don’t associate, I don’t relate 

I’m filled with hate

Constant drowning in a pool of my own tears 

My own fears 

Torturous emotional rollercoaster 

Always trying to shit-stir

Everyday I make mistakes 

Risking everything at stake

No ones fault by own 

Have to be alone 

Hole in my heart 

Today marks the start. 

I’m 24 today, and I’ve decided not to celebrate that fact because I don’t deserve to. The only significance this day has to me is that it marks the day I’m going to be a better man. I’m not superficial, I’m not materialistic I just want to be a good person. 

Stronger and Safer in my own mind.

I’m sorry

Dean 

Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever taken my friendship for granted Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever tried to hurt me and break me down Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever used personal shit I told you, in a fight against me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever gone out of your way to make me feel stupid Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever ruined my good humour because of starting a fight with me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever cheated on me Go fuck yourself x2

If you’ve ever spread a rumour about me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever told me that I wouldn’t do anything with my life Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever looked down on me and thought YOU were better than me? Then guess what? Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever manipulated me to get what you wanted Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever put me in such a bad place ..that I was thinking suicide was a good/only solution Go fuck yourself 

If you ever slagged me for being slow and “retarded” just because I was a little different to the rest of you Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever slagged mental illness and thought it was funny Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that. 

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

  
If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself. 


Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!! 
Peace ! 

Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

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Justice for Conrad

I was on my way to work this morning when I came across this article. It caught my eye so I read through it and I can’t even describe the sick feeling I got in my stomach. It instantly made me angry and so so sad.

The article was basically about this young one Michelle Carter in America who helped her boyfriend commit suicide. She’s been charged with involuntary manslaughter and I really really hope the horrible bitch gets everything she deserves.

There was loads and loads of screenshots of their conversation the night he died and it was so evident that there was doubt in his mind. He was battling depression and was probably going through a very bad time, but he was scared and it could have been prevented. But instead of trying to make him come down and see sense his girlfriend encouraged him to do it and repeatedly made sure he was 100% going to do it. Sick Freak.

She could have told his parents, his friends, the police, anybody at all if she felt she couldn’t handle it on her own but she fucking didn’t and she let the whole thing happen and I really don’t think he would have gone through with it without her constant push. There was one point where he got too afraid and tried to stop (got out of the car he was filling with carbon monoxide) and she ACTUALLY told him to get back in.

WHO in the right mind encourages someone to kill themselves? They are sick minded and deserve to be treated as a murderer.

Not only that but the way she reacted after his death is what makes me really angry. She put posts on Facebook about him fishing for a few pathetic likes and went out with her friends and went to her prom happy as Larry.

Reading this article has left a bad taste in my mouth and I really really feel terrible for that fella and all of his friends and family.

There have been times in my life where I have had suicidal episodes but thanks to the support and understanding and HELP from certain people in my life I got through them and I’m still here today and I’m happy. But IF during those points when I was at my lowest, not thinking properly, sick of everything, depressed beyond words and someone I cared about was telling me to “do it” repeatedly and saying it was the “only thing to do” I would have done it 100%.

The whole thing is completely her fault and being his girlfriend, someone that he LOVED, meant that she had the power to stop him and change his mind. She is a stupid stupid heartless cold bitch. She has absolutely no excuse for what she did, and anybody feeling suicidal CAN be helped.

One day she WILL realise what she did and she can deal with that herself, alone for all I care.

Disgrace of a human being.

If you haven’t read the story yet you can do so here and feel as bad as I did this morning —>

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2974416/She-s-innocent-Family-honor-student-accused-encouraging-boyfriend-commit-suicide-dozens-texts-say-trying-help-friends-claim-looking-attention-died.html

Sorry for the angry post but some things have to be said.

RIP Conrad Roy III ➕

Later

Isn’t it scary

Isn’t it scary how we can never tell what a person is really thinking?

Isn’t it scary how the person we think loves themselves, despises every part of their body?

Isn’t it scary that we would never know that someone cries themselves to sleep every night but they are so cheerful in the day…

Isn’t it scary to think about the amount of stuff you’ve gone through in your life..everyone else has gone through stuff too, nobody gets out without a scar.

Isn’t it scary how some people think money=happiness .. Including myself for awhile, but now that I have money I know that it doesn’t. You can’t fill your heart with material things, you need to fill your heart with love.

Isn’t it scary how you can date a girl that seems really nice and innocent but can turn into a psycho ex FAST? Hahaha.. That ones kind of a joke..

Isn’t it scary that none of us know each other’s daily struggles and it stays within us until we choose to tell someone..

Isn’t it scary that the person who laughs the most and the loudest could be feeling extremely lonely inside.

Isn’t it scary to think that even though we are all born into this world the exact same way with no choice in the matter..some people believe they are better than others because of their race, religion, gender, wealth, intelligence, sexuality, the family they came from, the location of their house, any other reason people judge people.

Isn’t it scary to think that some people would read this, not flinch and continue to be a shit human with disregard for others.

Isn’t it scary to KNOW that people can slowly break down throughout life because of other people’s unkindness and the worlds cruelty. The dreams that they had as a little boy/girl and teenager slowly die inside them until there’s nothing left and they give up.

This could be happening to anybody you know. It’s not easy to see and it’s not up to you to analyse someone but what you can do is be kinder towards everyone you come across. We all face battles everyday and some of us are stronger than others, but there is no need to make life harder by being a shit human. Life=Life.. Every single persons life in this world matters and we are all equal.

We can never know what people go through day to day but we can make their day easier by not judging and being unkind in any way. Think before you act/speak. Don’t play on and point out people’s insecurities. Don’t whisper and laugh about people you see passing by. You wouldn’t like that done to you so don’t do it to someone else. Nobody should feel like if they are going to be themselves they’re going to get abuse. Everybody should have the chance and the confidence to be the way that’s most comfortable to them.

To me, someone’s dreams dying is very unfortunate.

Someone dying as a result of that is an absolute tragedy.

Don’t fuel the fire, be happy be kind and help people, there’s enough problems in this world.. We don’t need to create any more.

Keep your dreams alive and stay on track!

Peace x x

It’s in your eyes

“I can see it in your eyes”

“Your eyes tell a different story”

I’ve heard these two phrases a number of times over the bank holiday weekend just passed. I also said it to someone myself. Those words have been ringing in my head for some reason.. And I’m starting to think about why that is so let me take you through my thought process..

I guess you can tell everything from someone’s eyes. You can see happiness, sadness, pain, joy, anger, fear, loneliness…or sometimes nothing at all. My eyes betray a lot of the emotions I’m trying to hide. I think this runs through my family. My ma is a very hard woman who would rarely cry but I know she is very very sad inside.

When I was growing up we would have arguments that I knew were killing her from her eyes, I could see the strain it was causing, but on the outside she acted like she did not give one fuck. Over the weekend I saw that my nana can be like that too.. But what I saw in my nana’s eyes was genuine fear. It broke my heart. But what breaks my heart even more is that she hid that and portrayed to me that she didn’t care and “I can do what I want”. I really really hate when people don’t admit how they actually feel.. If everyone did, the world would be so much clearer for a lot of people.

More than anything else someone’s eyes are a window to their soul, I think people carry what they’ve gone through in their eyes, they tell their own story and they show the true emotion inside the person.

I’ve heard those phrases over the weekend because it was a drug-fuelled couple of days for me and I was on a bit of binge. What I remember from the weekend is complaining that the drugs weren’t hitting me and my mates saying to me your eyes are telling a different story dean.. Because they were obviously in the back of my head, which is a little scary tbh. Then I blacked out and I really only remember tiny bits of the past three days. But enough about all that shiiiit…

Personally..I think it’s amazing that two little shapes in your face can tell a lifetime of stories. There can be so much life in someone’s eyes.. Or they can seem dead and it feels like they’re looking through you. My ma has started to get that look. It’s mostly from drugs and years of going without help for anything.. She’s started to die inside and you can see that in her eyes. Hope and happiness have completely left her body. I never want that to happen to me or anyone else I know… Because to be honest I don’t know if you can ever get that light back in your eyes and that’s a tragedy to me.

I think it’s important to not hide your real emotions and feelings and I know it’s hard but half the time the other person already knows how you really feel so you might as well tell the truth. 😊

I think that’s all from me.. Look after yourselves .. And don’t let the light die.

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Laters x

Build a Bridge

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

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At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Laters x

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One More Shot

So this past month a lot of things have changed for me. For the better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in the last year and things are finally starting to go my way. Which is ironic because a month ago I wanted so desperately to end it all and leave this world because I never thought I’d be okay again. But something stopped me and I’m still here. I’m okay. I’m great actually and I’ve never been more happy about making a decision to give life one more shot in my life. I would have missed out on all of this.

I got a new job in the beginning of June it was construction work so some of it was new to me but I’ve learnt so much over the past couple of weeks and that makes me feel really good. It’s seasonal work so I’m finishing up the current job next week. I’ve worked really hard so I’ve decided to reward myself by jetting off to Thailand next week 😊 I can’t fucking wait. I’m going with my brother his mate and my best mate. Were going to go island hopping and just basically have an adventure! It’s exactly what I need and I’ve never been this excited for something in a long time.

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I’m not saying things are perfect, there is definitely still problems but I’m stronger and a lot happier so I’ve the confidence to get through them. I’ve turned a corner in my life and I think it was fate. That sounds gay but I was in such a dark place last month and I could have finished it all but I didn’t and now I don’t think I will ever be like that again. It gets better, and I’ve gotten better. I’ll always remember that and you should too! If you’re feeling like I was, give it one last shot.. And maybe in a few weeks you will be thanking god you didn’t make the wrong decision.

Be happy and stay happy! 😊

Laters Guys !! x

4:37am

When your minds racing at this time of night with a million and one thoughts making you break into a sweat and panic.. you gotta make a decision drunk or sober there needs to be a conclusion… Life can’t fucking go on like this..

Night time shows you everything that’s hidden in daytime .. The pain your forced to mask during the day comes alive .. It takes over and shows you how weak you really are….The heart ache and worry you try to kill with drink and drugs will haunt you in your hangovers and come downs, it’s a never ending circle.. Unless you end that circle…

Stop the world I want to get off

The world will keep on turning and the sun will always rise tomorrow.

Peace x Dean