25th Feb 2017

I have a drug fuelled mind 

Focused on the next hit 

The next quick fucking fix 

Shattered and broken 

There are no words that can be spoken 

Rose tinted glasses don’t see the dark in me

Love makes you blind don’t question me

Chemical imbalance causing depression 

Come down off drugs causing aggression

Not the next best thing but the worst thing possible 

Becoming what you hate 

Ruining the perfect date because I’m way too late 

On realising what I’ve done and what I’ve become 

Trying to save grace, save face 

Unpredictable..uncontrollable..unlovable 

Unsolvable problems so you say fuck them

Strung out on compliments ignore the bullshit confidence 

Taking everything to heart is not the way to start 

Being a better guy 

If I could be that guy instead of me I’d never let you down 

Too tired to sleep 

Too weak to eat 

One light in all of my shadows, Jodie 

Making sacrifices to stop you hate-in me

Angels and demons 

When I see men, that are good

I don’t associate, I don’t relate 

I’m filled with hate

Constant drowning in a pool of my own tears 

My own fears 

Torturous emotional rollercoaster 

Always trying to shit-stir

Everyday I make mistakes 

Risking everything at stake

No ones fault by own 

Have to be alone 

Hole in my heart 

Today marks the start. 

I’m 24 today, and I’ve decided not to celebrate that fact because I don’t deserve to. The only significance this day has to me is that it marks the day I’m going to be a better man. I’m not superficial, I’m not materialistic I just want to be a good person. 

Stronger and Safer in my own mind.

I’m sorry

Dean 

Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever taken my friendship for granted Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever tried to hurt me and break me down Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever used personal shit I told you, in a fight against me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever gone out of your way to make me feel stupid Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever ruined my good humour because of starting a fight with me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever cheated on me Go fuck yourself x2

If you’ve ever spread a rumour about me Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever told me that I wouldn’t do anything with my life Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever looked down on me and thought YOU were better than me? Then guess what? Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever manipulated me to get what you wanted Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever put me in such a bad place ..that I was thinking suicide was a good/only solution Go fuck yourself 

If you ever slagged me for being slow and “retarded” just because I was a little different to the rest of you Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever slagged mental illness and thought it was funny Go fuck yourself 

If you’ve ever laughed at someone and made them feel small for being different to what YOU are like then you can Go fuck yourself

If you’ve ever made someone feel like it’s not okay to be who they really are …straight, gay, bisexual, asexual, trans, then please just realise that you are ruining someone’s one shot at life and happiness because of how small YOUR mind is…and simply Go fuck yourself for that. 

If you’ve ever mouthed about my family, know that people that say the most know the least sooooooo Go fuck yourself

  
If you’ve ever made me feel like I am nothing. I am not worth the shit on the ground, I am not even deserving of life. Then I have some helpful advice for you, sit down, clear your head, and think about what has made you like this? Since when did you think it was okay to make someone feel like they don’t even deserve to be alive? Or want to be alive? What gives you the right to do that? Are you happy doing that? Do you feel powerful having that control? Do you think it’s funny? And if the answer is yes then YOU can Go fuck yourself. 


Bullies are everywhere, in your childhood, in your adult life, in work, even in your family sometimes, in your own friendship circle, and just in society as a whole. They get kicks out of making other people feeling like shit because they’re pretty hollow inside and they need something to do. The point is, they’re always going to be horrible people unless they cop on and change, but it’s not your fault they have a problem with you. You just need to keep being a good person and don’t let them make you cold and bitter. For every bully there is a genuine person willing to help you feel better, so listen to them and not the abuse because really..they can all go fuck themselves.
This is personal to me but a message that anyone that take and adapt to their own life. Give those lowlifes the two fingers, and continue on keeping your head up and treat people how you want to be treated!! 
Peace ! 

How to get over someone

1. Do You
If you loved someone and it broke down and you’re trying to move on, the first thing to do is focus on yourself. Think about the way you want to be, your goals for the future, HOW you’re going to make yourself happy.

When I was trying to get over someone this year it felt like it would never happen. Of course you can take your few days to have a cry and feel sorry for yourself or if you’re me get off your head hammered. But after that you need to snap out of it and realise it’s over and the sooner you realise that the sooner you will be happy. I decided I was going to put all of my effort into work. I was going to earn loads of money, save up, move out and travel, which would hopefully make me happy. I’ve been doing that all Summer and I feel really proud for how hard I’ve worked and how far I’ve come.

2. Chill with the lads/girls
Your mates love you and they don’t want to see you sad over some bastard/bitch. You should have a rule that yous never mention their name in convo. Chill out, go cruising, go on a night out, do anything that takes your mind off what you’re feeling because you’ll soon realise 2 hours has passed and you haven’t thought about them once. Do not isolate yourself and listen to achy breaky love songs… trust me..it won’t help.

3. Delete and Block it all
Those photos you have on your phone are no good to you now, they will only make you sad/pissed off. Delete them all so you don’t have to see them ever again. Block your ex on everything, because we all know you be checking their whatsapp last seen like there’s no tomorrow wondering who they’re texting, why are they online, and worst of all sending drunk texts that don’t fucking delete from the convo. Block all that shit, you don’t need the stress of that. Out of sight, out of mind.

4. “I miss you”
This WILL happen. No matter what they did.. It will suddenly hit you that you miss them. You will want to text or ring them and hear their voice or have a chat, maybe try work things out?
This is because at one point you did love them but you miss what you HAD. Most of the time you do not miss THEM. You hear a song, or see something that reminds you of them and you’re hit with a PANG. When this happens think about the bad things, why it broke down in the first place.. How annoying they can be.. How they never shut the fuck up.. How mean they can be.. How THEY haven’t text/called you once..Whatever it is about them that you don’t like, fucking focus on that shit and make sure it’s all you think about when they unfortunately come into your head. Remember that they’re not missing you.

5. Get with someone else
This is selfish but I believe it has to happen. You need the attention and you need to know you still got it. Go out and talk to someone you like, and be with them. It can just be a one night thing, no strings attached but being with someone else will make you feel better in the long run. You realise you can have other people and that down the line there will be somebody else for you. And if nothing else, it’s sex so end of argument haha.

6. Give it enough time
Getting over someone you really loved is never going to be an easy or quick process. I seriously think it’s one of the hardest things to go through in life but if you give yourself enough time and enough space away from that person you should feel your heart slowly mending itself and after awhile you feel a lot stronger than you did when it first happened.

7. Realise what you’re worth
Now I’m pretty sure you are all wonderful people but unfortunately not many people give themselves the credit. You need to value yourself and recognise that you need to be treated WELL. Nobody deserves to be treated badly and you should never let anyone do that to you. Gain back your confidence and learn to love yourself. Which is a VERY hard thing to do for some people, including myself, but once you do…you find happiness. Write down one thing you like about yourself everyday until you have a long list. Once you feel good about yourself you will feel positive about YOUR future and not dwell in the past.

8. Keep Busy
After these 7 things a few weeks maybe months should have passed, and through doing these things you should encounter new people and new things. So all of a sudden you realise that you haven’t thought about them all day. You don’t even care who they’re texting or what they’re up to because you’re busy with YOUR life. You’re on your way to achieving your goals whatever they may be and you might even like someone else who’s making you forget about them completely. For the first time in a long time you knowΒ you’re going to be okay.. which means you’re well on the road to happiness.

It took me a long time to get through these steps especially since I have BPD and when I love someone I reaaaally love them and when it ends it can feel like my whole world is falling apart and there’s no point in even being here. It can get very bad. But I’ve changed my mindset and literally forced myself out of bed so many times so that I can go out and better myself. Β A few months down the line I’m finally happy, I’m seeing someone I really really like and care about, (She loves me πŸ˜‰), and I’m working hard towards my goals.

You deserve to be happy and if you’re going through a break up I feel for you. But don’t stay at the pity party too long because the rest of your life is waiting and life is extremely short. Try spend it happy.

Thanks for reading I hope it helps someone.

Peace x

Build a Bridge

Well I’m back home in Ireland. I’ve been abroad for awhile and I had the time of my life. The weather was beautiful, I met some amazing and crazy people from all over the world, I saw loads of animals! (That was my favourite part) I saw spectacular views and experienced things that would never happen in Ireland. I was around Asia and Eastern Europe for the most part. I’m so glad I got to get away and I think I learnt a lot.

But unfortunately, my blog is not about my trip.

I was away for about three weeks and towards the last week I kind of lost control of my mind and myself. I made seriously stupid decisions. Unfortunately I got myself into a bad state again. Surprise surprise.. I took drugs and I drank loads. I doubt there was a few hours in that week that I was actually sober.. I got really inside my head and low in myself so I felt like numbing my emotions all the time. I drank excessively and took pills and powder that I really had no idea what the effects could be…I always prove myself to be a fucking idiot.

Anyways, I would have carried on like that no bother until there was no going back but I experienced two things. During the week I got the highest I’ve ever been in my whole life and I decided to take a bath with all of my clothes on. I was staying in this fellas house that I didn’t know very well, I was exhausted and off my head but I still thought I should have a bath. I have no idea why I left my clothes on or anything but long story short I passed out. I was so out of it I didn’t even realise where I was I just had to sleep. Luckily I was found shortly after but it could have been dangerous but what’s even more dangerous to me is why the fuck I even did that.. It’s fucked up and it’s not funny, it’s pretty sad tbh that I let myself be that out of control. The come down was absolutely horrible and right now it feels like it was all a bad dream.

The other thing that was my wake up call was again, on another come down. I was on a walk on my own 2 days after that incident and I was trying to clear my head and body and I just stopped and stared at this huge bridge crossing the river. And those horrible thoughts started racing through my mind.

I wonder what it would be like to jump off that bridge .. I wonder what would happen if I jumped into the river .. It would be so easy to leave this pain behind and the whole thing would be over in a second ..

I seriously sat and thought about it for awhile .. And then I got really scared. I started panicking at the thought I’d never see my little brother again, or I’d never hug my nana again, or see anyone else that I love and I realised my head was in a very very bad place. I had sworn to myself I’d never let myself go back there and have those thoughts again.

I knew I had to go home. I am so mad at myself for getting into that state again but sometimes it is too hard to fight and your mind wins. Your thoughts take over and control all your feelings..theres a trigger, and then a breaking point and I had passed mine.

Since then the way I look at life has changed..I’m all into symbols and metaphors and shit haha so basically..there’s often times in everybody’s life that feel like a crossroads..but there’s an obstacle in the way and this obstacle is what’s stopping you from choosing which path to go down..The obstacle is a bridge. You’re not very happy about this bridge but you need to make a decision. You can use the bridge and get over it and see what’s on the other side..Or you can jump off it and never see what it’s like after the bridge.

I’ve decided to get over it. My reason behind this is, if you’re feeling like I felt, and you think you are a bad person today… Be a better person tomorrow. Keep bettering yourself until you find peace in your mind that yeah, you’re actually a good person and you’re worthwhile in this world. Good people make bad decisions, it doesn’t make you a horrible person for life.

I believe that I try my best to be a good person because (probably unsurprisingly 😐) I’m actually a very emotional person and the greatest feeling in the world to me is making someone happy. Likewise, I feel it very deeply when I upset someone and I care so much about everyone in my life. I’m a hard worker and I’m trying so hard to keep everything in my life balanced and stable..especially my mind. I want to make people proud…not disappointed. I just know deep down that I don’t have a lot of badness in my heart and all I want to do is show everyone else that. So I’m trying to cut out making bad decisions so that I never feel that low in myself again.

Now that I’m back in Ireland I’m trying to find peace and happiness once again. I’m keeping busy by working long hours, but I like it because I don’t have too much time to think about things. When I’m finished work Ill go to bed. And do it all again every day. Its very hard but I think it’s what I need to be doing right now to build myself back up again. If I was doing fuck all I’d go out of my mind and stay depressed. It’s tough that I’m back in this position to be honest…but I’m hopeful that I’ll be okay again soon.

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At the end of the day I’m 22 years of age, I’ve made mistakes and I’m learning from them, I still have time to turn my life around and be the good person I wanna be.

So although this blog started off happy and I did have an amazing trip, I probably depressed the life out of you with the rest of the blog so I’m sorry for that. I find it easier to write about low points in my life because it helps me get it off my chest and move on. That’s why if you don’t see any blogs for awhile I’m probably doing okay and don’t need to share anything haha.. I hate being a depresso though..I do try my best to have some positive spins on my blogs..

So there you go… I’m basically just gonna keep my head down and work away, and stick to bettering myself and feeling good about who I am. If I can do that, I WILL be happy. And if YOU stick to that too..I know that you will be happy too! 😊

Thanks for reading, and if you didn’t like it and you’re pissed off I wasted your precious time, well please build a bridge and get over it hahah

Laters x

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One More Shot

So this past month a lot of things have changed for me. For the better. I’m happier than I’ve ever been in the last year and things are finally starting to go my way. Which is ironic because a month ago I wanted so desperately to end it all and leave this world because I never thought I’d be okay again. But something stopped me and I’m still here. I’m okay. I’m great actually and I’ve never been more happy about making a decision to give life one more shot in my life. I would have missed out on all of this.

I got a new job in the beginning of June it was construction work so some of it was new to me but I’ve learnt so much over the past couple of weeks and that makes me feel really good. It’s seasonal work so I’m finishing up the current job next week. I’ve worked really hard so I’ve decided to reward myself by jetting off to Thailand next week 😊 I can’t fucking wait. I’m going with my brother his mate and my best mate. Were going to go island hopping and just basically have an adventure! It’s exactly what I need and I’ve never been this excited for something in a long time.

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I’m not saying things are perfect, there is definitely still problems but I’m stronger and a lot happier so I’ve the confidence to get through them. I’ve turned a corner in my life and I think it was fate. That sounds gay but I was in such a dark place last month and I could have finished it all but I didn’t and now I don’t think I will ever be like that again. It gets better, and I’ve gotten better. I’ll always remember that and you should too! If you’re feeling like I was, give it one last shot.. And maybe in a few weeks you will be thanking god you didn’t make the wrong decision.

Be happy and stay happy! 😊

Laters Guys !! x

If I Had

To somebody that I used to know…

If I had of known you’d leave me feeling this shit when I reconnected with you last year I would have avoided you and stayed happy.

If I had of known that you were lying about everything you “felt” and everything you “wanted” just to hurt me as much as possible..and to get me back for the mistakes that I made I would have never trusted a word you said.

If I had of known you would make me more depressed than happy.. I would have never have talked to you in the first place.

If I had of known you’d make me fall in love with you to use it against me I would have kept my guard up.

If I had of known you’d manipulate me into feeling sorry for you even though it was you that was hurting me I wouldn’t of given you the opportunity.

If I had of known you’d put me down instead of appreciating who I am, then I would have found someone who actually did like me for me.

If I had of known you’d be out there in the world with everything I told you with no connection between us I would have never opened up to you.

If I had of known you’d use me when you wanted me and get rid of me when you didn’t I would have ran a mile in the opposite direction from the beginning.

If I had of known you’d abuse my trust, my love and the limited intelligence I have and use it to betray me in the worst way possible I would have ignored you when you struck up the first conversation.

If I had of known you’d leave me with only painful memories and a bad taste in my mouth I would have never wasted my time thinking about a future with you.

If I had of been told that down the line you’d break up my family I wouldn’t of believed it.

If I had of known you’d threaten me and show no remorse for hurting me on any occasion I would have never have fallen in love with you.

If I had of known you’d be the one to change me and make me heartless and cold I’d have stayed well away from you.

If I had of known that down the line you’d turn out to be the opposite of everything I thought you were you would have never have been a part of my life.

If I had of known what MY mistakes would do to you and the hurt I would cause you in the past, I would buy the first time machine ever made and undo all of them because I am 100% stillΒ genuinely sorry for my actions and I know I can never make up for them.

If I had ONE wish.. It wouldn’t be to get you back and make you feel the way I do, my wish would be to be put back into the position I was in before I ever knew you where nothing between us EVER happened.. and it never ended up like this.

New Direction

The title of this blog is an absolute piss take because as you all know good ole Zayn has left One Direction and I’m sorta/kinda in a band, which is a brand new thing for me so I thought the title was a good fit hahaha

Anyways, I’m not sure if we can be called a band yet and my 14 year old knacker/spicer self would absolutely rip it out of me for even thinking of being in a band, but how and ever it might be on the cards for me. 14 year old Dean was an idiot anyway and I like to think I’ve grown a few more brain cells since my mullet styling and diamond earring wearing days (please god).

This all came about when I was watching the film Whiplash during the week and I got serious cravings to get back playing the drums. I used to play now and again when I was 18,19 and sort of let it die, I never lost interest I just focused on other things like drink drugs and girls (good one Dean). Now that I’m staying away from all of those things I think its a good time to get back playing. So I rang an old mate up who was shocked enough to hear from me but nevertheless wanted to catch up which was happy days. This chap is a massive music head and he plays a bit of every instrument but he’s mainly all about the guitar. He has a drum kit set up in his gaff so he gave me a shot of that and to be honest I was fairly rusty. I’ve been practicing during the week though and the rhythm is slowly coming back to me πŸ™‚ It’s a great laugh and its good to take my mind off things. Jamie (the music head) has a few mates that are the same as him and he jams with them all the time so who knows a band could form haha definitely won’t be called new direction though, but it is a new direction for me at least. Obviously were not taking it seriously like half of us have full time jobs its just good craic and they’re a great group of lads that I haven’t talked to in ages so its nice catching up on the last few years.

So that’s it, my life has definitely changed in the last while, I’ve stayed off the drink & drugs despite there being two of my mates birthdays this week, I’ve gone to the gym and a few walks and even done some reading. I much prefer writing to reading but I’ll try my best to keep it up, I’ve gone to all of my counselling sessions and most importantly.. I’m happy πŸ™‚ My head is healthy and clear and at the moment I’m just having a good laugh with a new mix of people. So maybe my 14 year old self wouldn’t be too embarrassed of me after all …

Laters !! πŸ™‚

New Year .. In March

How’s it going lads? Well it’s going great for me haha. It seems appropriate for me to post this today seeing as it is international day of happiness across the world so here it goes πŸ˜€πŸ˜€

The title says it all to be honest, I’m starting my new year again cause I started it badly a few months back so I’m starting all over again in March πŸ™‚ don’t know if that’s in the rules of life or anything but I make and break the rules so there you go πŸ™‚

The reason for this is I had a couple of set backs over the past few months but I’m not dumb enough to let that happen again, not in a million years. So I’m starting down a new path and to be completely honest I’m as happy as that chap Larry πŸ™‚ I love reading people’s blogs myself and some are sad and then you come across ones that positive and happy and I’m just like good for you! So that’s kinda why I’m writing this cause feels like all I ever put on here is depressing shit (soz)

I’m done with all that, what a waste of time like, I’ve spent so much of my life being unhappy and going through hard times that I need to even out that ratio and start being happy and have GREAT times. πŸ™‚

First of, I’ve a new job lined up so I won’t be a carpenter anymore, it’s been good craic the past few years and I’ll probably go back to it in the future but for now I want to try new things and I’m so lucky to have the opportunity so I hope it all works out πŸ™‚

Next I’m moving to a new location with some friends which will be deadly because I’m sick of my area and I really need a change.

I’m also off the drink and drugs and swapping them for books and the gym. Many people think I’m as thick as two bricks and they might be right but that won’t be the case soon enough and I’ll be the last one laughing πŸ™‚

Waking up with hangovers all the time or skaggin is just not doing it for me anymore surprisingly enough haha..I want to be fresh, healthy and smart.

I’m also planning to spend my summer abroad, travelling and working and with the weather getting better and days going by faster I’m getting more and more excited πŸ™‚

On the love front..I feel like a teenager again playing the field and I’m not as bad as I was when I was 16 but it’s still a bit of fun and nothing too serious which is exactly what I need right now πŸ™‚ so it’s all goooooood!

Anyways that’s basically my plans for the year, it’s been a tough old road with family shit and I’ve had my heart broken more than enough times but I can finally say that I’m in a really good place now with great people surrounding me and I won’t let anything or anyone hold me back from being happy, hopefully you don’t see any more depressing blogs from me! (fingers crossed)

And I hope that whoever you are reading this, if you’ve had a tough time recently that things start looking up for you πŸ™‚

Laters ! 🌞