Insomnia starts creeping back in
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder
Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel
The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain
Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.
The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?
Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.
In this world, to get by, you’d want to have a metaphorical shield made of steel so that you could face anything life throws at you and it doesn’t dent your armor. Unfortunately I feel as though my shield is made of marshmallows and life has dented me quite a bit. There is very little of my shield left to be honest, and if things stay the way they are, I’ll lose the battle.
I find it extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do in life. I make millions of plans and try stick to them, but it makes very little difference. Somehow, things always go off course. So I start thinking whats the point? I mean it must be me that’s the problem since everybody else seems to be doing just fine and I’m the one who’s left feeling like this all the time?
The last few nights I haven’t slept a wink, my minds been racing and I’ve watched loads of documentaries on BPD which have made me so angry. Most of them are for people that unfortunately know us and it’s telling them how to “deal” with us. Then it goes on to describe us, how we go after weaker people and manipulate them until they are stuck in this horrendous relationship. The worst part about those documentaries and what angers me is that it’s mostly true, and I hate myself for it. It’s not like I planned it this way or I do it on purpose its just part of my nature because I have this disorder. If I hate myself this much for just being this way its no wonder many others hate me too. The saddest part of the documentaries is when it basically says there is no cure. Sure, things usually get better with counselling etc but the disorder never really goes away. I feel like I was cheated out of life..I know if this disorder wasn’t a piece of my brain I would be flying. I used to be such an easy-going guy who was literally always laughing. I never stressed over anything, I had loads of mates and girls on the go and my life was just about having fun. Yeah I had problems, but I had the confidence and the mindset that allowed me to deal with those. Sixteen just held such better days. Nowadays its not the same. I fake smiles and laughs and I force myself to be that guy again and I force myself to do the things I used to love but I just can’t anymore. It’s worn me down.
So I’ve given myself a deadline, 18 days. May 18th. I’m going to try my hardest to give it one last shot and fix this. I will do everything I can and everything that is suggested to me to get back to being the lad I once was. If it works I won’t need a shield at all, I’d have the power to take on the world all on my own. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe anymore, I want to get excited for things and have joy in my heart and feel alive. I don’t want to be afraid of love I want to find it and treasure it forever. It sounds like I need a miracle but I owe myself one last try. If it doesn’t work and things haven’t taken a turn for the better by the 18th then my shield will be well and truly destroyed.