Insecurity in Me

I am 24 years old now and I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder about 5 years ago and let me tell you, it doesn’t get any easier.

The past 5 years of my life have been made up of serious highs and extremely low lows. Nothing in between, all that’s in between is the build up to one of these and it is fucking exhausting. I don’t want to be me or be around me anymore so how can I expect anyone else hahaha

If I could have one wish I would obviously get rid of this horrible disorder but even less than that I would give myself the confidence I feel when I am on a high and make it fucking stick. That confidence shatters way too often for my liking and now for everybody else’s too! Well I can’t blame them like it is tiring constantly building someone up that you know is going to be low again at some point, what is the actual point ? I don’t see any.

Every day of my life for about 15 years I was told I wasn’t loved, my mother told me frequently, a couple of times a week how she felt about me and even worse she demonstrated how she felt about me just in case I didn’t understand 🙂 all I have ever wanted is for my mother to love me and she can’t.. and now because of that .. no one can ? 

I have some serious insecurity issues and i over think every little thing and become paranoid and it’s hard to tell the difference between what I’ve created in my mind and reality. That causes a lot of problems for everyone, but at least everyone can leave and escape … I’m stuck with me. 

I am so so good at faking confidence it’s actually kinda funny? I put on a good act but where does that leave me. Of course I don’t want to be seen like the pathetic piece of crippling shit I am so I pretend to be the way I would LOVE to be … the way I think I’d be if I didn’t have this fucking disorder. 

I’ve genuinely given it my all 10 times over to change and be a better man and attend counselling and talk to someone when things get “bad” and if you ever read any of my other blogs you can see I’ve been through the ringer they’re a rollercoaster in themselves !!…but honestly all of that has just led me to this point and I’m over it.

I genuinely can’t take it anymore and I can’t break my own heart anymore trying to make people love me … my insecurities will always push those people away

So I will continue down this fucked up little path of being empty but I am honestly so fucking used to it I don’t really feel anything ..

Its obviously just the way my life is meant to be so I should stop being surprised when it happens haha 

I am unable to love myself, it was bet into me for years that I’m not able to be loved or I don’t deserve it and maybe I really don’t like, I feel so sorry for the people especially girls that come across me because no they don’t deserve what I put them through and I wish that they had passed by me and found a good man, that isn’t mentally ill, because it’s not fair on them and that’s perfectly true. They realise that in the end though, just a little too late for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that it doesn’t get any better, ever. It’s a lie. The life with borderline personality disorder is a life of torture. 

Goodbye

25th Feb 2017

I have a drug fuelled mind 

Focused on the next hit 

The next quick fucking fix 

Shattered and broken 

There are no words that can be spoken 

Rose tinted glasses don’t see the dark in me

Love makes you blind don’t question me

Chemical imbalance causing depression 

Come down off drugs causing aggression

Not the next best thing but the worst thing possible 

Becoming what you hate 

Ruining the perfect date because I’m way too late 

On realising what I’ve done and what I’ve become 

Trying to save grace, save face 

Unpredictable..uncontrollable..unlovable 

Unsolvable problems so you say fuck them

Strung out on compliments ignore the bullshit confidence 

Taking everything to heart is not the way to start 

Being a better guy 

If I could be that guy instead of me I’d never let you down 

Too tired to sleep 

Too weak to eat 

One light in all of my shadows, Jodie 

Making sacrifices to stop you hate-in me

Angels and demons 

When I see men, that are good

I don’t associate, I don’t relate 

I’m filled with hate

Constant drowning in a pool of my own tears 

My own fears 

Torturous emotional rollercoaster 

Always trying to shit-stir

Everyday I make mistakes 

Risking everything at stake

No ones fault by own 

Have to be alone 

Hole in my heart 

Today marks the start. 

I’m 24 today, and I’ve decided not to celebrate that fact because I don’t deserve to. The only significance this day has to me is that it marks the day I’m going to be a better man. I’m not superficial, I’m not materialistic I just want to be a good person. 

Stronger and Safer in my own mind.

I’m sorry

Dean 

Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

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Deadline

In this world, to get by, you’d want to have a metaphorical shield made of steel so that you could face anything life throws at you and it doesn’t dent your armor. Unfortunately I feel as though my shield is made of marshmallows and life has dented me quite a bit. There is very little of my shield left to be honest, and if things stay the way they are, I’ll lose the battle.

I find it extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do in life. I make millions of plans and try stick to them, but it makes very little difference. Somehow, things always go off course. So I start thinking whats the point? I mean it must be me that’s the problem since everybody else seems to be doing just fine and I’m the one who’s left feeling like this all the time?

The last few nights I haven’t slept a wink, my minds been racing and I’ve watched loads of documentaries on BPD which have made me so angry. Most of them are for people that unfortunately know us and it’s telling them how to “deal” with us. Then it goes on to describe us, how we go after weaker people and manipulate them until they are stuck in this horrendous relationship. The worst part about those documentaries and what angers me is that it’s mostly true, and I hate myself for it. It’s not like I planned it this way or I do it on purpose its just part of my nature because I have this disorder. If I hate myself this much for just being this way its no wonder many others hate me too.  The saddest part of the documentaries is when it basically says there is no cure. Sure, things usually get better with counselling etc but the disorder never really goes away. I feel like I was cheated out of life..I know if this disorder wasn’t a piece of my brain I would be flying. I used to be such an easy-going guy who was literally always laughing. I never stressed over anything, I had loads of mates and girls on the go and my life was just about having fun. Yeah I had problems, but I had the confidence and the mindset that allowed me to deal with those. Sixteen just held such better days. Nowadays its not the same. I fake smiles and laughs and I force myself to be that guy again and I force myself to do the things I used to love but I just can’t anymore. It’s worn me down.

So I’ve given myself a deadline, 18 days. May 18th. I’m going to try my hardest to give it one last shot and fix this. I will do everything I can and everything that is suggested to me to get back to being the lad I once was. If it works I won’t need a shield at all, I’d have the power to take on the world all on my own. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe anymore, I want to get excited for things and have joy in my heart and feel alive. I don’t want to be afraid of love I want to find it and treasure it forever. It sounds like I need a miracle but I owe myself one last try. If it doesn’t work and things haven’t taken a turn for the better by the 18th then my shield will be well and truly destroyed.

Laters….