Deadline

In this world, to get by, you’d want to have a metaphorical shield made of steel so that you could face anything life throws at you and it doesn’t dent your armor. Unfortunately I feel as though my shield is made of marshmallows and life has dented me quite a bit. There is very little of my shield left to be honest, and if things stay the way they are, I’ll lose the battle.

I find it extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do in life. I make millions of plans and try stick to them, but it makes very little difference. Somehow, things always go off course. So I start thinking whats the point? I mean it must be me that’s the problem since everybody else seems to be doing just fine and I’m the one who’s left feeling like this all the time?

The last few nights I haven’t slept a wink, my minds been racing and I’ve watched loads of documentaries on BPD which have made me so angry. Most of them are for people that unfortunately know us and it’s telling them how to “deal” with us. Then it goes on to describe us, how we go after weaker people and manipulate them until they are stuck in this horrendous relationship. The worst part about those documentaries and what angers me is that it’s mostly true, and I hate myself for it. It’s not like I planned it this way or I do it on purpose its just part of my nature because I have this disorder. If I hate myself this much for just being this way its no wonder many others hate me too.  The saddest part of the documentaries is when it basically says there is no cure. Sure, things usually get better with counselling etc but the disorder never really goes away. I feel like I was cheated out of life..I know if this disorder wasn’t a piece of my brain I would be flying. I used to be such an easy-going guy who was literally always laughing. I never stressed over anything, I had loads of mates and girls on the go and my life was just about having fun. Yeah I had problems, but I had the confidence and the mindset that allowed me to deal with those. Sixteen just held such better days. Nowadays its not the same. I fake smiles and laughs and I force myself to be that guy again and I force myself to do the things I used to love but I just can’t anymore. It’s worn me down.

So I’ve given myself a deadline, 18 days. May 18th. I’m going to try my hardest to give it one last shot and fix this. I will do everything I can and everything that is suggested to me to get back to being the lad I once was. If it works I won’t need a shield at all, I’d have the power to take on the world all on my own. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe anymore, I want to get excited for things and have joy in my heart and feel alive. I don’t want to be afraid of love I want to find it and treasure it forever. It sounds like I need a miracle but I owe myself one last try. If it doesn’t work and things haven’t taken a turn for the better by the 18th then my shield will be well and truly destroyed.

Laters….

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If I Had

To somebody that I used to know…

If I had of known you’d leave me feeling this shit when I reconnected with you last year I would have avoided you and stayed happy.

If I had of known that you were lying about everything you “felt” and everything you “wanted” just to hurt me as much as possible..and to get me back for the mistakes that I made I would have never trusted a word you said.

If I had of known you would make me more depressed than happy.. I would have never have talked to you in the first place.

If I had of known you’d make me fall in love with you to use it against me I would have kept my guard up.

If I had of known you’d manipulate me into feeling sorry for you even though it was you that was hurting me I wouldn’t of given you the opportunity.

If I had of known you’d put me down instead of appreciating who I am, then I would have found someone who actually did like me for me.

If I had of known you’d be out there in the world with everything I told you with no connection between us I would have never opened up to you.

If I had of known you’d use me when you wanted me and get rid of me when you didn’t I would have ran a mile in the opposite direction from the beginning.

If I had of known you’d abuse my trust, my love and the limited intelligence I have and use it to betray me in the worst way possible I would have ignored you when you struck up the first conversation.

If I had of known you’d leave me with only painful memories and a bad taste in my mouth I would have never wasted my time thinking about a future with you.

If I had of been told that down the line you’d break up my family I wouldn’t of believed it.

If I had of known you’d threaten me and show no remorse for hurting me on any occasion I would have never have fallen in love with you.

If I had of known you’d be the one to change me and make me heartless and cold I’d have stayed well away from you.

If I had of known that down the line you’d turn out to be the opposite of everything I thought you were you would have never have been a part of my life.

If I had of known what MY mistakes would do to you and the hurt I would cause you in the past, I would buy the first time machine ever made and undo all of them because I am 100% still genuinely sorry for my actions and I know I can never make up for them.

If I had ONE wish.. It wouldn’t be to get you back and make you feel the way I do, my wish would be to be put back into the position I was in before I ever knew you where nothing between us EVER happened.. and it never ended up like this.

Kindness Taken For Weakness

I think one of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life is to let your happiness depend on someone else. You should never depend on someone else for such a big thing because they may not always come through, they could fuck you over and take your happiness with them and there’s no reason for me not to believe that there’s always that chance. I’ve depended on people that have made me happy because I thought they would always be there for me and you never think people that “love you” are going to hurt you but they too have fucked me over and then sadly you’re left in a depressing hole that’s hard to climb out of.

I think I’m too trusting of the wrong type of people but it’s very hard to know when a lot of people have many different faces and encourage you to trust them. I’m no saint and I have hurt people in my life but I would never do some of the things that have been done to me. Getting fucked over can make you cold, and I think it’s really sad to say never trust anyone but I think that’s probably the only way. When you trust someone you give them the chance to ruin that and make you regret ever knowing them and it’s hard to get over that shit when that happens.

I’m not saying everyone’s going to hurt you but don’t even give them the chance. It’s not worth it. At this stage I don’t think love is even worth it. Love doesn’t work and when it all breaks down the aftermath is bad enough to make you never want it again. For me anyway. Don’t expect someone to always be there, don’t expect them to stick to their word or what they make you believe because one day you can wake up and discover that’s not the case at all. They’ll fuck you over with no explanation and you’ll be wishing you’d known that this was going to happen, well here you go, listen to me because there’s a good chance it will.

The only person you should depend on for happiness is yourself because you’re never going to fuck yourself over or turn on yourself, do not put it into someone else’s hands, it’s too risky.

I know I said I wouldn’t write depressing blogs but this is just some advice, I’m still happy I just have a new perspective on life and I’ve got a new way of living it. Anyways… take my advice or don’t but I’ll certainly be living by it.

Later

Middle Finger

What’s up? Just want to say that in life no matter how hard you try or how nice you are there will always be people that don’t care..and will take you for granted and treat you like shit, luckily the decent people out there won’t!.. because they have a heart but unfortunately there are some people out there seriously lacking in that department and general human decency and these people deserve the middle finger. Nothing more nothing less. Basically just means I’m not down with that sort of thing and that’s all I have to say to you so please go fuck yourself 🙂 it’s appropriate for a few people I know that are thankfully no longer darkening my life.

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But other than that life is good love is good health is good, can’t complain. So a big thumbs up for that 👍 and I’m very grateful for everything I have 🙂 I’m pretty happy and even happier now that’s off my chest and don’t worry it’s not your fault that some people are just genuinely horrible people, that’s their loss and their problem you just do you and make sure you never treat people the same way. Always treat people the way you would like to be treated! Most important thing.

Don’t let people walk all over you, if they do, give them the finger and walk away, and hopefully you’ll be just as happy as me 🙂

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Good luck !

The High Road

I think one of the biggest signs that I’m growing up is how I deal with arguments. Up until last year I had a serious anger problem and in any kind of fight, big or small I’d just fucking lose it and say things I shouldn’t whether I meant them or not. This would obviously lead to a lot of hurt feelings and really only made the situation worse. I’d always get into scraps with other fellas on a night out or whatever over nothing and there would be very few nights where something didn’t happen. Its not a great way to live, having that much anger inside you. It built up over a number of years and got really bad last year but now this year its all changed 🙂

Obviously I still get angry, I mean people are always gonna piss me off but I don’t lose it as easily as last year. I’ve figured out that losing it and saying all the shit you feel does absolutely fuck all and you might be angry as fuck which means you’ve a lot of not “nice” things to say, but really wheres that gonna get ya? The other person is just gonna be furious and might retaliate with a worse comeback and make you angrier and angrier and its just a downward spiral until someone says something or does something unforgivable out of anger. Who wins in that situation? No one. Its really hard to hold back in that situation I know.. but if its not a verbal fight then write out what you would LOVE to say to them down to the last word and then fucking delete that shit because its not going to change anything its only gonna make matters worse. The best solution is to take the high road. Simply reply with “okay” or “I understand” or whatever works for the situation and fucking leave it. Who in their right mind likes fighting anyway? Its the biggest waste of time in my opinion and its time you should be spending making the right person happy, yourself.

If you are constantly arguing with someone you will understand how draining and fucking annoying it is like fucking change the record no hahaha?

Nobody needs that in their life so just don’t rise to the occasion, if they keep aggravating you just walk away and leave them to be angry, and I of all people know how hard that is to do because everyone knows I never shut up or let things go but part of growing up is learning to do that. You might hate the person and you probably want to to hurt them, so you think that telling them that you hate them etc or knowing they are sad is gonna make you feel somewhat better, yeah it will for a few minutes, but then no.

If you’re anything like me you will regret what you said immediately. I don’t have it in me to be heartless and a lot of people would probably call me a cunt and yeah I can say mean things but when I do that I feel really bad and I think about it for ages and not once in my life have I ever felt yeah I’m so glad I said that I’m glad I made them cry and hurt them as much as they hurt me, I’ve never thought that.. I’ve just felt guilty for sinking to their level. If they think its okay to insult you, put you down and make you feel as low as possible then don’t even fucking reply, just know that you will always be better than them, be the better person. Its a better way of dealing with things, the minute you feel like losing it and going off on a mad one just stop for a second and realise that its not fucking worth it, leave that person where they belong and move on to someone that isn’t going to make you feel that fucking shit 🙂 We all only have one life and do you really want to be on your deathbed saying aw man I loved those days I wasted fighting with you? Nah not really you should only have happy memorys at the end of your life and the bad ones should be long forgotten like the people that gave you them.

That’s my goal anyway, if you’re not a piece of shit yourself (which you probably aren’t) then don’t let someone talk to you like you are. Someone that thinks its okay to talk to another person like that says a lot about them not you. Someone out there will realise the good in you and would never dream of treating you that way so don’t waste your time on the person who is blind to that.

A year ago I thought the greatest satisfaction was punching someone in their wanker face when their acting a dick and yeah its pretty great but a year ago I went looking for it aswell but since I’ve been minding my own business there’s been a lot less fights so I know now I was part of the problem and that’s okay because I can admit that and I’ve learnt from it 🙂

No ones perfect and its good to get your emotions, especially anger, out but I really don’t think losing it at another person is the best way. It happens sometimes, because it is really hard to control if you’re like me but there’s a few other ways to get your anger out without making things worse and it helps you calm down and smile again 🙂

1. Write down what you want to say to them, what you want to call them how much they’ve hurt you or how much you hate them etc whatever you want to say to them write it all down and then rip it up, delete it, burn it whatever the fuck because at least its out there and its not in your heart anymore.

2. Chill with your mates and don’t talk about that person, talk about anything else, funny shit, just have a laugh and you will soon see that being angry is pointless.

3. Listen to some angry music that explains how you feel. I always listen to Eminem haha that chap just gets me. The songs I listen to are

  • crazy in love
  • stronger than I was
  • puke
  • love the way you lie
  • space bound
  • no love
  • beautiful pain 
  • superman                                                                                                                                                                      

Listen to those a couple of times and that makes me feel 100 times better and you too haha and while your listening you can just relax and calm down and let Eminem say the things u want to say instead 🙂

4. If its a fight through texts then delete all the messages, every single one because even if you calm down you’re gonna go back and see those horrible messages and get angry all over again, block them so they cant send anymore and just turn off your phone and leave it for a couple of hours and watch a movie or go for a walk or sleep or whatever some shit, just don’t go drinking because believe me, that will make it worse and will probably lead to horrible drunken messages that you cant take back.

5. Or…fucking write a blog about it hahaha, actually kind of does help to be honest and I don’t really care if anyone reads it or not its kind of just for me so that I can go back and read it and remind myself of a few things that I might forget 🙂 If I read this blog a year ago I’d be like what a pussy never back down in a fight hahaha but I was a fucking idiot back then and it got me nowhere. I’m 21 nearly 22 I don’t need bullshit fights keeping me down while I’m still young so I’m doing my best to let them all go, and hopefully my new way of dealing with arguments allows me to do that and I hope I’m happier because of it!

Anyways Good Luck , Happy Holidaysss hahahaha