Everyday is a school day

Wassup kids

I started this blog when I was 21 years old, a baby!! I had a lot to learn, even though I thought I had the game of life all figured out. I mean I started a blog called the key to deal with life? As if I knew something yous didn’t?! Hahaha. I haven’t written a blog in a long long time I have about 15 drafts dating back 2 or 3 years that just never seemed good enough to publish. This blog is different because it deals with something close to my heart and I think it might be the most important thing I’ve ever written. I want to share an experience I had recently that made me feel like I’ve taken a huge step forward in my life and made me feel like a real adult.

This blog is about a speech I gave in an American high school on 25th of April. The speech was about depression. I am in no way an expert on the subject I ain’t got no qualifications, I just know from personal experiences. It’s important to spread awareness to young people because as you know if it goes untreated it only gets worse in adulthood.

So this is what I told them…

Background

The reason for me coming to America is a dark one. Cut my life into pieces, this is my last resort. I gave myself one more chance to find happiness and I put all my faith in New York to do just that. If it didn’t, it didn’t, that was it, I was tapping out. Now, look, I’m still here…I don’t think I’m a survivor of depression in any way, I still have my struggles (believe me). Its an uphill battle everyday but over the years I’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t so here’s what I think contributes to depression and the best ways to cope with it.

Depression

Depression is hard to see because it’s easy to hide. It’s easy to fake laugh and it’s a lot easier to say I’m okay than to dive into your problem. It’s even easier to find an unhealthy coping mechanism such as alcohol or drugs.

It can affect absolutely anybody. It doesn’t matter if you are rich with a loving family, with the whole world at your feet, like Chester Bennington or Avicii, you can still collapse under the weight of it and sadly lose your battle. They felt like nothing could save them. It’s unfortunate for me to say but I know how they felt and I relate a little too closely to a lot of Linkin Parks final songs. When I was a teenager I never in a million years thought I’d have to deal with my own mental health issues. I think everyone always thinks that would never happen to me….until it does.

You could live in the beautiful city of New York with a population of 8.5 million and still feel so alone. Suicide rates are at an all time high here and across the world.

In case you didn’t know, depression feels like you are swimming against the tide and I just want you all to know that you are not alone in what you’re feeling, I have felt it and I still do. Sometimes I feel so dead inside that when I go to the gym and see my heart rate being monitored I snap back to reality like woah I’m really in this in bitch haha…its easy to go numb on life and just go on autopilot but that’s a signal for you to get help.

There are amazing services out there and there are people that just want to listen. Believe me you will feel better just by talking. When I was 17/18 I kept everything bottled up, I never even cried. One day I began opening up and now I can’t stop I even cry at ads on the tv hahaha. With male suicide rates increasing every year don’t be ashamed to open up or even cry. It’s a sign of strength not weakness. I still stand by that only the strongest people cry at the end of monsters inc and I don’t care what anybody says.

School

School ain’t gonna last forever kids. So enjoy it while you can if you’re one of the lucky ones that has a laugh in school. If you’re someone that hates school, again remember that it’s not gonna last forever. Don’t worry and stress too much about getting the college or job you want, you all have the ability to do great things and no lack of qualification or experience is going to stop you from doing that if you believe in yourself. You’re going to be who you’re going to be. Don’t compare yourself to everyone else, because while now it probably seems like it’s a race to be the best, the real race of life is long, and in the end it’s only with yourself!

Friends

Always look out for your friends and support them in what they choose. You will find out when you get older that your number of friends starts to decrease as everyone starts building their own lives. Choose your friends wisely, if they’re not making a positive impact on your life, drop them. Always check up on your friends. Don’t assume they’re fine without asking, you never ever know what’s going through someone’s head. Some people are very good at hiding how distraught they really are. If someone does open up to you about a problem, recognise that is very scary and vulnerable thing for them to do, so show as much compassion and patience as possible. (I don’t know what I would do without the support system I have, I probably wouldn’t be here. So shout out to you all.πŸ’›)

Relationships

I cannot stress this enough. Do not be reckless with peoples hearts. Do not put up with people who are reckless with yours. Mean what you say and say what you mean. Build your other half up and support them, be their biggest fan.. but just make sure they’re worth it. Don’t get taken for granted. Know your own worth.

Now I’m not perfect when it comes to this, I’ve lived and relived the player lifestyle and I’ve lived the good boyfriend lifestyle. One thing I know is you cannot live both lives simultaneously. I am seriously speaking from experience about this, I’ve ducked my hand in that cookie jar when I shouldn’t have and while it was all fun and games at the time real people got hurt, and in the end the only one left hurting was me. Even Drake couldn’t write this shit. Be gentle with peoples hearts, we all only have the one.

Don’t let one person define your happiness

I learnt this the hard way. Not to be cynical or anything but don’t always believe that people will be there for you no matter what. Sometimes they won’t. And sometimes that won’t be their choice. They could have promised you all your hopes and dreams in a moment and down the line they could deny ever doing that.. but that could be when you need them the most. Without freaking you out too much, I think you should just be aware that one day the person you depend on and put your life into could for some reason be gone. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, it matters that they’re gone and you weren’t expecting it. This could be a boyfriend/girlfriend, family or friends. If this happens, you will be expected to carry on and live through the pain of losing that person and I believe that you can because I am. If you learn anything from me i want that to be to love yourself enough and believe you have the confidence and strength to come out the other side of it a stronger and better person.

Everything I knew, just went out the window, now I can’t depend on you, forever.

Finally, I just want to say be the kindness you want to see in the world. I know sometimes it’s difficult, a lot of things can get you down but as Kanye said “if you wanna see the true character of a person watch the way they treat someone who can’t do anything for them”. There is a lot of pain in the world in the moment, you know that as well as I do. We can all play a small part in changing that by loving ourselves and loving one another. Spend time with your family and cherish every minute spent with the people you love.

Every cloud eventually runs out of rain. What you’re experiencing is just a season, not the overall climate. So keep going.

I was on a high after giving my speech and the feedback I got was extremely positive. I can only hope that I get the opportunity to do it again for more people. This is probably the longest blog I’m ever going to write but it’s a new chapter of my life and it had to be shared. I’m taking every day as it comes but at least now I think I’ve finally found my purpose.

Kudos to you if you recognised all the song references in there 😏

Laters … 😊 X

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Lights Out

Insomnia starts creeping back in
3am..4am..5
Waves of pressure mount on your shoulders
Drowning in disappointment
Your mind is a prison cell
A lifetime without parole
Old friends rear their ugly head
Weed and alcohol offer the escape
You feel yourself falling under
You feel yourself getting weaker
You feel them getting stronger
The battle each day gets harder and harder

Alone in the way you think
Alone in the way you do things
Alone in the way you feel

The world is cruel
That much is true
It’s been a good show
Now feeling this low you know
That all good things come to an end
No way to to heal, no way to mend,
It’s a permanent mental battle that you know you’re going to lose
From the rattle to the grave
Is there any way of being saved?
Your brains scarred
It will never be the same again..
Your destiny is to feel this beautiful kind of pain

Being alone is dangerous.
Being alone with your thoughts is worse.

The sun rises across the sky, looking beautiful looking hopeful .. But just like your soul..how long does it take to turn dark again? For the lights to go out?

Sunrise In Dublin on 23rd November 2015 at 8am.

IMG_7667.JPG

4:37am

When your minds racing at this time of night with a million and one thoughts making you break into a sweat and panic.. you gotta make a decision drunk or sober there needs to be a conclusion… Life can’t fucking go on like this..

Night time shows you everything that’s hidden in daytime .. The pain your forced to mask during the day comes alive .. It takes over and shows you how weak you really are….The heart ache and worry you try to kill with drink and drugs will haunt you in your hangovers and come downs, it’s a never ending circle.. Unless you end that circle…

Stop the world I want to get off

The world will keep on turning and the sun will always rise tomorrow.

Peace x Dean

Deadline

In this world, to get by, you’d want to have a metaphorical shield made of steel so that you could face anything life throws at you and it doesn’t dent your armor. Unfortunately I feel as though my shield is made of marshmallows and life has dented me quite a bit. There is very little of my shield left to be honest, and if things stay the way they are, I’ll lose the battle.

I find it extremely difficult to figure out the right thing to do in life. I make millions of plans and try stick to them, but it makes very little difference. Somehow, things always go off course. So I start thinking whats the point? I mean it must be me that’s the problem since everybody else seems to be doing just fine and I’m the one who’s left feeling like this all the time?

The last few nights I haven’t slept a wink, my minds been racing and I’ve watched loads of documentaries on BPD which have made me so angry. Most of them are for people that unfortunately know us and it’s telling them how to “deal” with us. Then it goes on to describe us, how we go after weaker people and manipulate them until they are stuck in this horrendous relationship. The worst part about those documentaries and what angers me is that it’s mostly true, and I hate myself for it. It’s not like I planned it this way or I do it on purpose its just part of my nature because I have this disorder. If I hate myself this much for just being this way its no wonder many others hate me too. Β The saddest part of the documentaries is when it basically says there is no cure. Sure, things usually get better with counselling etc but the disorder never really goes away. I feel like I was cheated out of life..I know if this disorder wasn’t a piece of my brain I would be flying. I used to be such an easy-going guy who was literally always laughing. I never stressed over anything, I had loads of mates and girls on the go and my life was just about having fun. Yeah I had problems, but I had the confidence and the mindset that allowed me to deal with those. Sixteen just held such better days. Nowadays its not the same. I fake smiles and laughs and I force myself to be that guy again and I force myself to do the things I used to love but I just can’t anymore. It’s worn me down.

So I’ve given myself a deadline, 18 days. May 18th. I’m going to try my hardest to give it one last shot and fix this. I will do everything I can and everything that is suggested to me to get back to being the lad I once was. If it works I won’t need a shield at all, I’d have the power to take on the world all on my own. I want to laugh until I can’t breathe anymore, I want to get excited for things and have joy in my heart and feel alive. I don’t want to be afraid of love I want to find it and treasure it forever. It sounds like I need a miracle but I owe myself one last try. If it doesn’t work and things haven’t taken a turn for the better by the 18th then my shield will be well and truly destroyed.

Laters….

Alone

Alone..what a lovely word eh? That word can have so many meanings. You could take it literally which means you’re literally by yourself, which isn’t the worst meaning in my opinion. I think the worst meaning is when you feel it, in your own mind and your own heart, whether you’re on your own or not.

The thing is, once you feel alone, you start feeling quite helpless. How do I stop it? Why do I feel this way? I’m not on my own so how come I feel so isolated? It’s very strange and very sad. I could be surrounded by all my friends and still feel alone. I feel as though they don’t have a clue what goes on inside my head or how I really feel and I know they never will, only I will know that. I don’t think there’s any point in trying to explain whats going on in my noggin because I couldn’t put it into words anyway and nobody would want to know. It’s easier to just speak generally and not go too deep into things. It’s so weird because anyone that knows me would never think I feel the way I do or that I think about things so much. I guess its probably better that way, the less they know the better really.

I’d get some slagging’s if I ever told the lads I felt ‘alone’ haha. I’d be swiftly told to man up because obviously it is a weird thing to feel when you’re around people that are meant to make you feel comfortable.

90% of the time I don’t feel alone and I am comfortable and it’s nothing to do with the people around me it’s just down to me. Something triggers it and I suddenly snap into a little depression episode where I over think everything and I worry that I’ll even end up alone because of the way I am and no one is ever gonna really understand me and I can’t imagine someone even bothering to try understand me because my mind is fucked and it’s pretty much unfixable. So on those days I feel like it’s just best to distance myself from everyone and stay inside my own head. It drives me crazy yeah but is it not better to do that than to drive someone else crazy?

Another part I hate is you start feeling really guilty..There are so many people out there with really hard lives that have nobody, no friends or family and here I am whinging cause I feel alone. I wish it wasn’t that way and I’d snap out of it if I could and eventually I do but sometimes it is just too draining putting on the same happy goofy face all the time and acting like everything’s hunky dory when actually deep down I’m really really sad.

I’ve felt so many emotions in the last few months and I think I just overloaded and now I just feel numb. I’m sad and I’m tired of life and the things it throws at me, everyone thinks I’m really strong but does a strong man feel like this? No.

These kind of days come and go like waves, I believe you have to be sad to experience happiness and you have to be happy to know what sadness feels like, but sometimes for me it feels like it’s on an unequal scale and God gives me the smallest dose of happiness to then sink me with sadness. I don’t know if that will ever change (hopefully it will) but I’ll have to keep my chin up as much as I can and try fill the emptiness somehow.

I will always make the most of the bit of happiness that I do get and as I just said to my friend Keri, I’d give my life to be happy and maybe in 2015 things will change and the scale might be tipped towards good things, and this overwhelming feeling will be nothing but a memory and I will find the cure to feeling alone πŸ™‚ Bit optimistic but sure its a start haha,

Cya