I was talking to my friend today about her 8 year relationship that is inevitably going to be over soon. Her boyfriend has been treating her like shit for months now and he spends all of his time with other girls. He has no intention of changing his ways and in fairness to him he’s tried to leave the relationship but has never fully gone through with it. My friend is doing everything she can to keep this guy. Nearly accepting that he is clearly cheating and psyching herself up to stay with him no matter what and making millions of excuses for him. I constantly tell her that she has to leave, it’s going nowhere and she can do so much better but she doesn’t listen. So why is it that she desperately wants to stay with this guy who obviously doesn’t care about her? She’s only 24 so she has plenty of time to find loads of new lads and she definitely wouldn’t be short on offers but she’s desperate to make it work with this guy that is driving her to breaking point. Why?
I kept asking myself this over and over because I just couldn’t understand why she would put herself through that. Then I realised. I do the exact same thing. It’s in different situations but I act and feel the same way she does. I find it so hard to get over people that don’t give a shit about me and I’m constantly questioning everything that went wrong and thinking about what ifs when they aren’t giving me one thought. I want the people back in my life that walked out voluntarily. Why?! I should hate these people and part of me does but part of me desperately wants them to want me back. I can’t be the only one? It’s so confusing because one minute I can be like I fucking hate those stupid bitches and I turn into rapper Big Sean singing ‘I Don’t Fuck With Youuuu!!” word for word hahaha… aaaand then I start missing them again. I feel guilty because I should be grateful for the people that do care about me and don’t get me wrong I AM extremely grateful, but I find it so easy to ignore a text message from someone that is clearly interested in being a part of my life while at the same time finding it so hard to let go of people that want nothing to do with me. It’s fucked up. I’m fucked up, and I’m a massive fucking hypocrite.
You accept the love you think you deserve. I don’t know if it’s just a case of wanting what you can’t have or what but it’s a messed up situation that leads to a serious amount of unhappiness. It could be my disorder fucking me up again like “I hate you, don’t leave me” and maybe a part of it is to do with my BPD but I’m not sure all of it is because my friend has nothing wrong with her and she’s feeling the same way as me. I would love nothing more than to forget the people that have done me wrong and not let them entertain my thoughts and DEFINITELY not miss them but unfortunately for some fucked up reason I’m not in that place at the moment but I hope someday I will learn how to let people go and completely forget them. That will be the day.. I can give advice and actually believe in it and trust that it works..because how can I tell someone to leave a painful situation when I can’t even do it myself 😔
When you love someone, even if there are a million reasons to leave, you still look for that one reason to stay.
I guess we all just want to be loved. The fear that we will never find love with someone else causes us to hold on to what’s left with someone even if it’s destroying you and you know in your heart that you should leave. Question is, are you strong enough to save yourself?
I’m not at the moment, but I will be. I promise myself I will never be in this position again. I need to learn to love myself enough to let go of things that aren’t good for me, and never EVER look fucking back.
This song is one of my favourite songs in the whole world and it completely explains how I feel, word for word.
If you can relate to what I’m saying I hope you are strong enough too.