Powerless

I believe that one of the worst things you can go through is the feeling of being powerless. It is such a horrible feeling and one of the most frustrating things in the world.

At the moment I’m feeling this way quite a lot. In my life I usually like to be in control and Im certainly not afraid to take charge but when you have no say in the situation it’s really hard to deal with and I’m struggling. It drives me crazy to be honest.

When there’s something/someone on your mind constantly it can be a good or bad thing. It’s a bad thing for me right now because I’d rather not always have the thoughts that I have every second of every day but I’m powerless against it, distractions work for a short while but it’s still always there in the back of your mind. I wish I could just switch it off, someone should invent that, a device that let’s you choose your thoughts, or turn them off altogether, they’d make millions.

When you are in love with someone but can’t do anything about it, it’s pretty fucking shitty. They might love someone else, or they just might not want you. Whatever the reason is..just knowing you have all that love inside you for absolutely nothing kind of destroys a part of you, it makes you not want to feel that way ever again, but you’re powerless to stop it and I really don’t know if the feeling will ever truly go away.

When something bad happens to someone you deeply care about, and the solution is not in your hands..you feel so fucking useless and it tears you up inside. You would give your whole life just to help them but it means nothing because nothing can save them anymore, it’s too late.

When the past keeps you awake at night even when you have to be up for work at 7am you feel powerless 😦 you lie there thinking if only your body and mind would relax for long enough to get a few hours kip. You’ve no control over your past anymore but it can still haunt you every day 😦

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Not being able to control your thoughts and feelings is torture but not being able to help someone who desperately needs it is even worse. I would do anything to have it any other way and to not feel so fucking powerless against the bad odds all the time but that’s just not going to happen. Maybe one day the tables will turn and abit of luck might get thrown my way .. And the heavy weight that I feel on my shoulders will shift and fade away..
But until then it’s in someone else’s hands.

Have You Ever?

Have you ever felt addicted to someone? As in you can’t get enough of them.. You always want to know more..any second they’re not in your life feels like a waste..it feels wrong. You need your fix of them even something so little as a text message or hearing their voice..it’s enough to keep you going.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it felt like your heart couldn’t physically take it? Literally your whole heart was consumed with feelings for this person and nothing else mattered. You never felt that way before, you didn’t even know you COULD feel that way and you dread the idea that you probably won’t again. It’s intense and exciting and it drives you crazy every single day. They make you see the world differently..they make you look at yourself differently and all you want to do is make them feel the same way. You feel like you’re the only person in the world who has felt that way and maybe you are.. Every time someone falls in love its different, because it’s for different reasons, with a different person.

One thing that is common to everyone when they fall in love though is that it’s uncontrollable. You can’t choose who you are going to love or who you fall for or how much you’re going to love them, but I certainly believe that you don’t come across people in your life accidentally, it was meant to happen for one reason or another.. Could be to teach you something.. They could be the one person you need who completely changes the game up .. The reason could be anything and it’s up to you to figure it out what it is.

Have you ever felt so happy you feel like you’re high? Nothing feels the same anymore and you actually have to check did I just smoke a doob because there’s no way I could be this happy sober haha ! Have you ever clicked with someone straight away and felt there’s not enough hours in the day to talk about all the things you want to? You never get bored even if you have ADD ha, all of your attention is on them. You’d lose sleep for that person, more seriously ..if it came down to it you’d give your life for that person. You go around smiling like an absolute numpty and not a second goes by when you don’t think of them..the feeling is amazing and scary all at once.

Have you ever known someone that makes you want to be better? At everything? A better man, woman, monkey I dunno whatever u are ha .. You want to impress them and be the person of their dreams. They encourage you and really in fairness they’re the best part of you. So fucking gay but have you ever felt like they’re missing piece? Until they came along you were never really 100% but with them you’re 150% 🙂 You could make a list of the reasons why you’re in love with them and the list grows every day .. Everything about them is beautiful and you wouldn’t change a single thing.

And then..

Have you ever felt anxiety fill up inside of you when you know the person you love is not okay? Or even worse, you don’t know that. You don’t know anything, so you’re just left to wonder and worry. You panic because you feel helpless and you don’t know what to do but they keep telling you there’s nothing you can do but you keep racking your brain for a solution. You feel like it’s your fault and you feel incredibly guilty and you can’t imagine that horrible sick feeling ever going away. Have you ever felt your heart drop to the pit of your stomach when you realise that things will never go back to the way they once were?

Have you ever listened to someone cry when you know its because you’ve just broken their heart into a million pieces? Have you ever fucked up so bad that it changed your life forever? Have you ever lost someone you loved because of your own mistakes? Or have you ever ruined the one thing that brought you more happiness than anything else in the entire world? I have.

If you answer yes to all of them questions then sorry buddy!! but you probably feel how I feel right about now. I hate the phrase you only realise what you have when it’s gone because I think you should appreciate what you have while there’s still time but some people are fucking idiots and don’t realise it, including myself. I wish I could have told myself that piece of advice a year ago but knowing me I probably wouldn’t have listened anyway. Its only now when I’ve had plenty of time to cop myself on and time to think that I understand what I had and what I lost. I took advantage of someones kind and caring nature and I kept fucking up and of course eventually it took its toll. We will never be the same people we once were, were scarred, and I’m deeply sorry for every bit of pain I caused for everyone involved. If you asked me why I did it I honestly couldn’t tell you which is my answer for a lot of things I did last year..I just don’t know to be completely honest, thinking back on last year it just makes me feel like it was an absolute nightmare but now FINALLY I’ve woken up.

People fall in love in mysterious ways and maybe it’s all part of a plan, but I just kept making the same mistakes hoping that you’d understand. It doesn’t matter whether you’re 17 or 20 or 69 falling in love it can feel the same, and your heart can break just as hard too. I didn’t really have a great upbringing where love and relationships were concerned so I basically taught myself as I grew up and yeah I don’t think I taught myself very well but I’m still learning every single day. I’ve made enough mistakes to last me a lifetime and I’ll have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life but I’m mature enough and smart enough to realise that I have to learn from them and there’s no way you’ll see me making the same mistakes again.

I have many regrets but one thing I don’t regret is falling in love with the person who made me feel the way I’ve talked about. Love is a crazy fucked up thing it hurts like hell at the best of times but other than that it’s pretty fucking deadly. It’s one of the only things that makes me feel alive. Love beats everything.. money..music .. Even.. dare i say it, chicken? If you don’t have love you don’t have anything in my books. It’s brings out the best and worst parts of you and you need that to figure out who you really are. I’m still young and I’ve a lot of life to live & I have hope in my heart that I will feel all of those things again but with a happier ending.. With who? Who knows.. We will have to wait and see what the future holds 🙂

Love is full of laughs and full of tears and I actually wouldn’t change it for the world. Why the fuck do you think so many songs are written about it ehh? Haha I don’t think anyone understands it and that’s the beauty of it, it’s up to your own interpretation.. And this is mine. So thanks for reading..and sorry for so many questions hahaha!

Anyways enough of me being an ultimate sap if any my mates read this I’m a Benny for life but all in the name of love ehhh ? Think I’ll go do manly things now like footie and grow a beard while drinking beer and shoot guns hahaha .. So I’ll catch yas later .. Best of luck !

Peaceeee X

Btw wouldn’t it be gas if this blog was about chicken or something? Hahah because I do love me some chicken.. Ah no don’t worry it’s not haha it’s about one very special lady and she knows who she is .. That’s it!! Cya 🙂
Love is just a word, but you bring it a definition.